Chat Log: Beer and Back Again

Larebear: After lunch? What about elevensies? Dinner? Supper? He knows about them too, right?

I wouldn't count on it, Pip. Aragorn was pro-life.

Raz: Ev'ry body knows we Pip'n.

Seanbaby: <Frodo turns to Sam as Arwyn is in mid abortion> Gandalf didn't mean for a lot of things to happen, Sam. But they did.

Raz: Dr. Smeagol, Planned Parenthood Abortion Clinic, to the rescue with his trusty Uruk-Hai Coathanger!

Larebear: Smeagol likes nasty hobbitses fetuses RAAWWWW and WRRIGGGLLINNNGGGG.

Raz: I'm sure he puts a little salt on it and is like BAM!

Larebear: Samwise would just boil em up, mash em..stick em in a stew.

Seanbaby: Fetus n' Taters.
Samwise's good ol' fashion backwater bar-b-que. Featuring guest chef, Sméagol!

Larebear: Don't forget the lamas bread!

Seanbaby: Ugh. Lamas bread!
Legolas still won't tell us the secret.

Larebear: It's made with feet.
Ew.

*camera zooms in on Arwyn's feet*
FEEEEEEETTTTTTT

Seanbaby: Fap Fap Fap!

Raz: Llama bread!

Seanbaby: Emu bread?!

Raz: Emo bread. The bread so sad it slices itself.

Larebear: You had to go there, huh?
It was necessary?

For shame.
For shame.

Seanbaby: Well I wasn't gonna just COME out and say it. But you have to be a line crosser.
You know Raz, you're the reason we're not allowed back in Rohan.
Remember the Wormtongue incident?

Raz: Eowen loved it. She came buckets.

Larebear: Let's not forget where he put the Rohirim Horn when he was all fucked on "only a pint". When we all know he had a whole half already.

Seanbaby: See this is why we can't take him to Undying Lands with us. He'll do this shit in front of the gods and get us kicked out.
He'll make some comment about how fucking big Galadriel's mouth is and his dick and then we'll be fucked and mortal.

Larebear: From your mouth to God's ears brother. I would like nothing more than to take the Love Boat and party with Elves for a fucking eternity..but NO. I'm stuck here jerking off to pictures of Legolas for the past 300 years. I SWEAR I THOUGHT HE WAS A SHE.

Seanbaby: Haha, yeah. That was pretty fucked dude. It was an honest mistake. He was always crying like a girl, so I can see why you'd think he was a chick. What I found creepy was that every other day he would be saying prayers for people who weren't really dead. Guess his Elven nose couldn't clue him in on whether his friends were dead or not.

To be fair, I did do that shit in Minas Tirith that we can no longer speak of.

Larebear: You mean with the Tranny Dwarf and the whip-its?! That was classic..don't be ashamed..the only way you can tell them apart is the Beard.

Raz: IT WAS A TRAP!

Seanbaby: He KNEW we didn't have the coinage for that, and he pissed it all away.
Then he went and did that awful thing with Eowen and next thing you know, we're getting tossed the fuck out of Rohan. I liked Rohan, Raz. I liked the sun shining on my shoulders and especially liked the random flags that would rip and fly off into the winds.

Larebear: My favorite adventure was Fangorn Forest. Kinda sucked having to run FROM the trees in a FUCKING FOREST though, Raz. Ents don't fuck around man. They are too prideful, and I gotta say..if you took one of my leaves from my face and used it to wipe your ass cause Seanbaby forgot to pack the TP, I'd be pretty pissed off too.

I don't blame the Ents, Raz. I blame You.

Raz: It wasn't the leaf. It was the fact that I was tearing off bark to try to make a cooking fire without clearing off the foliage first. This was only because I wasn't in Scouts and SeanBaby who's like a fuckin' Pterodactyl Scout was like, "Fuck you. You make the fire this time!"

Before you know it, there's throwing apples and shit at me and I'm waving a frying pan going, "SHIT! GO GO GO!"

Seanbaby: *nods* As far as Fangorn goes. I still remember Nick's tortured screaming. I bet he's still there, getting fucked by a tree. I knew that place was haunted, because trees don't have eyes. BUT NOOOOOO! You all had to be like: "What's the matter Seanbaby, you're fucking hungry again aren't you? Did you forget you're wallet back in Rohan?!"
Man, it was still sort of a blast hitching a ride on those Oliphant's though. I rated it pretty bitching.

Larebear: I thought it was weird running into that rusted Tin Man in the middle of Fangorn. I remember getting his oilcan and doing a badass dance where he hit his thighs, then his chest, and went "Toot Toot". Then Seanbaby whipped his pecker out and pissed on his, rusting his metal ass right there in the middle of the road.

Damn.
We fucked Fangorn up.

Raz: But I stole his fuckin' Axe for sure!

Seanbaby: I stole his fucking heart right out of his chest.
Now he's heartless, Axeless, and rusted. Man we fucked that Tinman up.
It'll take some kind of... Random girl with an oilcan to fix him.

Raz: Yeah, but like THAT'S ever gonna happen! There's not even roads there. And even then, one would be easily covered up unless it was a really bright golden color

Seanbaby: Haha, yeah. That tinman is totally fucked.

Raz: Yeah, who would have known your urine would have made him re-rust up anyway? That was genius.

Seanbaby: Well I had seen something on the Discovery Channel the night before about Tin men and piss and I was thinking as I unbuckled my pantaloons:
"Finally! A chance to use my degree!"

Raz: That's not what "Urologists" do dude.
I still hold a grudge against you bastards for spiking me water pouch with hardcore dwarven tequila and then abandoning me in the Osgilliath for three freaking nights. You fuckers knew I didn't know my way around that shit. It's a fucking M.C. Escher painting.

Seanbaby: That forest was fucked.
Raz's episode in Osgilliath was pretty funny too. He'd go up some stairs sand just scream!
"WHAT THE FUCK! THERE'S NO BRIDGE HERE! WHY WOULD YOU PUT A TOWER AND NO BRIDGE!"
He got mutha fuckin' LOST. It took us three fucking days to find him!

Seanbaby: Hey, to be fair Larry and I did start searching after a stern night of heavy drinking in the Mines of Moria. Just so you know, I hope you never planned on going there. Because we're all banned from there now too.

Raz: What did you do, ask the Balrog for a light?

Larebear: He's a very sensitive demon. You can't be doing that shit..

Seanbaby: No, Larry was drunk on Dwarven Ale and power. He took the Balrog's whip and rat tailed that giant fucker right in the ass. So it turns around and just bites Matt Stamper's fucking head off! I wondered if you were going to ask why he didn't come back with us. I could deal though. All he did for our fellowship was sleep a lot and smell like taters.
Anyways, the ensuing chase caused the mines to cave in and kill all the Dwarves. There were an awful lot of Goblins in there so we just passed the blame off on them and ran out to come find you.

Larebear: Oh my god..it's all a blur. I remember a CRACK and then a really loud roar.. then Seanbaby picked me up, and I remember seeing a piece of toilet paper stuck to the bottom of his shoe and thinking "He DID use the last of it.. He just wanted to see Raz get fucked up by the Ents."

Then there was a lot of screaming.. lots of flashing orange and red. Iunno..I was pretty fucked up. Thank god Seanbaby has legs of Steel and can Fireman's Carry me 20 miles out of a cavern.

Seanbaby: Caught red handed!
Or should I say WHITE-handed, Raz? Remember when you pledged your soul to Sauroman? How you were leaning back, sipping Coronas with him? THE MUDSLIDE OF THE CENTAURY?!

Raz: Well, that explains that. It wasn't as bad as the time I was chillin' with Sauroman and accidentally caused a mudslide that buried the entire race of Uruk-Hai. Sauroman was an excellent surfer back in the day. When the mudslide cracked down, he was like, "COWABUNGA DUDE!" and grabbed his ray-bans and actually rode the mudslide down.

Little known fact: Sauroman is naturally hairless everywhere besides his chin and scalp

Seanbaby: Oh no, we saw. We were on our back to save you soul from the White wizard and saw you lean back and knock that cooler full of Coronas over. Lemme guess, they broke and soaked the Plantir which exploded?

Larebear: I had front-row seats to that shit..Raz and Sauroman put me on top of Isengard cause I said Crystal Balls were gay. I guess they took offense to that or something. Whatever.. they're playing around with fancy orbs like I cup my nuts.

Seanbaby: I always thought the saying, "Rub the Crystal Balls for answers" was gay.
That tower sucked dude. You had to summon that fucking owl or whatever to come save us. You were like Link with that shit!

Raz: You had the owl? I was being stalked by Navi myself.

Everywhere I turned, it was "HEY!"

Bu--"HEY!"

Wha--"HEY!"


Seanbaby: Admittedly I almost got us all killed by She'lob.

Raz: Dude you were USING HER FUCKING WEB TO MAKE A SCARF so you could totally chill with your friends at that concert you were planning to go to. Shelob does NOT approve of people making Emo Scarfs from her Silk!

Seanbaby: It was so soft though. Hey, be fair guys. I only had to spend forever unwrapping that silk from around a dead hobbit. At least, I think he was dead. He was all green and shit.

Raz: Shelob gave him the AIDS... She's been porkin' hobbits for god knows how long. It was really said. She used to be such a beautiful girl. Hobbit STDs man..