Claw Marks

[Anthek]

So, I suppose I actually remember how to read and write. It's been so long since I've had to.

*a bit of ink is splattered onto the page here*

Blast, my fingers still aren't used to it, though. Maybe it would be easier if I held the pen in my mouth as a cat.

...

No, that didn't work very well. I couldn't even pick it up without getting a mouthful of ink. And ink doesn't taste very good.

A journal. I'm not sure where to start. My name is Anthek Coldmane, at least, that's what I've been told. The trees call me by a different name, but I don't know how to pronounce it. If I were to translate it, I would say it meant "the fruit that grows on the edge of spring." Kinda strange for a name, but that's how trees are.

I forgot to mention, even though I talked about the trees, I am a druid. Not one from Moonglade, or Thunder Bluff, nope, I'm home grown. Nature kinda took me in after all I went through back in Feralas. It became my family after having none for some time, but there's only so much trees and plants can do, you know? They aren't warm to the touch, their skin is hard and rough, and they don't understand why I wanted it. I miss being held and coddled. Even after all they've done for me and given me their blessing, I couldn't stay with them forever. I am still Shu'halo.

The animals were kind enough, but, when you have someone as large as me that walks on two legs, your company wears on. I learned how to really hunt, to hide effectively in the bush until the moment to strike was reached. I learned of the balance of life and death. I thanked the animal's spirit for providing me with food so that I could live on, but I was still removed from it. No creature hunted me, besides the occasional satyr. I was too smart to fall to more wily prey, and too strong for the much smaller ones. I could never have a place among them, unless I took on their form. I did eventually learn how to do that, but I still wouldn't fit in. I do wonder, though, what would happen if I just never returned to being a tauren, and stayed a cat out in the wild for the rest of my life. I don't think my mind would accept it.

That brings me to Sanctuary. Once I decided I was ready, I made for Orgrimmar. I wasn't ready to go to Thunder Bluff, not quite yet. I met Miss Vilmah there, practically starving, as I had no way to support myself. The stone was very silent, and no trees were there to talk with, and I felt very much alone. She talked about Sanctuary, and, when she got to the guild hall, I couldn't help but sign up. A garden, in that desolate place? It sounded like heaven. Plus, she's got quite the looks. Too bad she's taken.

So, I met with the members of Sanctuary. Not a single female tauren in sight. It was very disappointing; I was hoping for any amount of oppurtunity for a little companionship. Diomades is nice, though. If I had an older brother, I'd want him to be it. Nomeni has fur like mine, I almost thought him to be my uncle or something at first. Sulajin, though, yeesh. Talk about a downer.

Joining Sanctuary opened up this world to me. No one's ridiculed me because of my size, yet, and that's something I'm very much grateful for. The best part, though, is who I learned was taking care of the garden. Her name was Lankali, or Sunsong, a cute Shu'halo if I've ever seen one. It didn't take long for us to become friends, my first real one. After all the time I spend in the garden, it was all I could hope for to get along with it's caretaker. She's very shy, though, and doesn't really like it when I try to play with her as a cat. It didn't take long for me to learn about what happened between her and Dio, though. I don't really understand it all too well, but I do know I'm not going to force her to talk about it, if she doesn't want to. Dio said I was a good match for her, but I don't understand that much, either. People have never opened up like this to me before. I had gotten used to being treated coldly, and this whole situation is very new to me.

If there's one thing I know I can do, however, it is to adapt. That's nature taking it's course.

[Anthek]

I killed a person for the first time today, and not any of those marauding centaur or barbarous quillboar. A human. The word feels odd on my tongue. I don't know what to think.

I've killed before, but that's not the issue. It was always for my own survival, but I guess this isn't much different. He attacked me, and I defended myself. I tore his throat out. It feels unbalanced, completely unnatural. He didn't attack me because he wanted to eat me (or did he?) or I was hunting him. It was I because I was different. I've never hated before, but I think I know what this feeling is, now.

[Anthek]

*A drop of blood is stained on this page*

...I am so very frightened.

[Anthek]

I finished helping the flower that I planted in Sanctuary's garden to grow. It looks magnificent, a bright orange, with five large spade-like petals. And it talked to me, whereas the others didn't.

I know now what was wrong with me. I had been bottling up all my anger before. I always try to stay positive and happy, and not show when I'm truly sad to others. I'd be just as weak as I was before. I had nothing to vent it on. After meeting all these new friends of mine, I thought it would go away, but, subconsciously, it's still not enough. I can't get close enough.

[Anthek]

I found the balance. I won't depend on nature for what I want anymore. I'll get it, myself.

I met the weirdest undead last night. Must have been drunk right from the grave. His blasted infernal was breaking rocks right outside the guild hall, and making quite a mess of things. I couldn't convince him to take it away, so I had to go get the guards. I didn't stick around to see what happened.

Brood, he's like a machine, blasted things. Killing for killing's sake, it's such a waste, and I don't believe I could convince him otherwise. I've seen the way Lankali looks at him, and can smell a change in her when she does see him. It's alright. She's my friend, and not much more, for now. I'm not gonna object, either way. If she loves him (even though I don't understand why), it's not right for me to try to stop that. Besides, what's wrong with expressing that with more than one person, if you love them?

[Anthek]

This truly was the strangest day, ever.

I tried to talk to Niethan about what happened, and apologize, but I don't think he wanted to listen. I don't know if it was because of how Sulajin was acting at the time, or if he didn't care to hear it. All I know is that he doesn't want my help.

Then, with Lankali...

She was in heat, and the smell was overpowering at worst. I can't remember ever being exposed to that sort of thing before, but I suppose it's because of how acute my nose has become. I had to walk away from her because of it, which pained me to do. Sulajin didn't do much to help that situation.

I didn't understand what was happening to at the time. I thought it was just the scent of her heat that did it to me, but, afterwards, I wasn't sure. I went back to talk with her about it, but I still couldn't get close. I have to find out what this means for me because I don't want to hurt her, or lose myself to my instincts. Then, I'll be ready, and can help her, too.

It's a horrible feeling, dread is. I don't know what could happen.

[Anthek]

I've done something horrible, again. I let my emotions get the better of me. I nearly hurt Lankali, after telling myself I could handle it if she refused me. Which she did, but I lost it. I've been rejected before, but this... I don't know how to describe it. It was worse because I've always been able to move on before, and, this time, I couldn't. I set my expectations for myself too high, and it all came crashing down on me. I can't face her after that.

Pathetic. Completely pathetic.

[Anthek]

I'm not going to give up. If I did, all my work and training will have been for nothing. I won't accept any pity; I have to stay strong and keep pushing. After what happened, I'm not going to let my fear take hold of my senses anymore.

[Anthek]

Yesterday was... interesting. Lankali came back from wherever she went; she still won't tell me why or what it is she's been doing. I have to build up her trust in me, but she wanted to keep it to herself, and I decided to respect that decision, with a little help from Annelia.

Annelia, she's nice, and pretty cute, too, but she's an elf. An elf can't really be my mate, I think.

[Anthek]

Sulajin really creeps me out, sometimes. He's set on keeping me from Lankali, although I don't understand his reasoning. He said something about protecting the Horde, but does threatening me really help? I think it's more personal than that, even though Lankali's never said a word about him before. Aneelia helped with that situation. He tried to make me feel guilty about how I treat her, but I didn't fall into that. They're both my friends, not one less than the other.

I need to see her again, to ask her about this.

[Anthek]

Was it all a lie? Was she leading me on? I knew that look in her eyes, whenever she saw Brood. She thought to keep it secret, even from me, but then she went and did all this...

I thought I had lost her, and she came back just to tell me that. Am I really so pitiful, that she couldn't tell me? It only hurts more because of it. I'm not sure what to do, but I need to learn the truth. If all of it was a lie, I don't think I could face her again.

[Anthek]

I attained a new form today, that of a cheetah. A little sleeker than my lion form, but it is much faster. I have light gray fur, and black spots, a lot higher contrast, so I won't be able to hide easily in that form. Speed can help make up for that, though.

I sort of made up with Lankali a few days ago. Friends, again. I don't really know what's going on between her and Brood, but I have a bad feeling about it.

[Anthek]

I've been enlisted, so to speak. My training will finally have a use, now. The battlegrounds await.

The conservation runes have been working well for those sorts of situations. I knocked one of those mongrel's heads... what are they called? Draenei, that's it. I swiped it's head right off with one of my paws. I don't take kindly to being attacked without reason.

[Anthek]

Another confrontation with Lankali...

She called me selfish. Am I? I thought when I told her what Brood said to me, it was because I didn't want her to keep thinking what she wanted to believe. I don't know what Brood said to her, but he did lie to one of us. I'm beginning to think he did so on purpose, just to drive Lankali and I apart.

Why do I bother? Maybe, I care for her more than I know, even though I can't comprehend how I could love her anymore than I already do.

[Anthek]

I went back to Feralas, for the first time in ten years. Nothing about that place has changed. The old camp were I once lived is gone, hardly a trace left. A new one has been set up along the river. No one there recognized me. I suppose I'm the one that's really changed.

War never changes. It is us that changes. War transforms us, makes normal men into beasts. Beasts that are always hungry. Always looking to feed. I've stepped on the battlefield, and become a beast.

[Anthek]

I had a talk with Miss Vilmah about what's going on between Lankali and me. She suggested that maybe Brood had changed, but I couldn't believe that, not after what he's done. It won't be long before I have to face him about it, if she won't listen to me. So, I went to see the one thing I can trust in this world, the one thing that never lies, that sees through the heart of every person. The plants, I asked them, and they told me...

...I was right. I'm not sure what to do, now.

[Anthek]

I take back what I said before about the other day being the strangest. Today definitely was. I asked the garden to tell Lankali the truth, and Brood had to step in just after. There was an argument, and, in the end, Lankali did something that completely boggles me. We were both in cat form, and, well, she started grooming me, and I returned the gesture, and she surprisingly let me. Then she went off with Brood, without a word. I don't get it at all. What does she really want from me?

[Anthek]

So, this is what hatred feels like. It feels like a disease in my chest, waiting to burst out. As a lion, my jaw feels heavy, like it wants to bite down hard and tear out the throats of my prey. It's burning in me, urging to kill.

Who is it directed at?

[Anthek]

Just when things seem darkest, a light comes out from where you least expect it. I found my light in Raina, and brought me out this shadow that had come over me. I thought I was happy before, with Sunsong, but this... this is bliss.

I love her; truly, deeply love her. Last night was amazing, to say the least. We spent the night together, nothing I couldn't mention to strangers. She simply slept in my arms. I never want to let go.

[Anthek]

The past few days with Raina have been unbelieveable. Everything feels so right, and we make each other so happy. I've inspired her to take up druidic training, like her mother did, and she's progressing quickly. I'd say more, but you never know who might see this in the future, and it wouldn't be too appropriate...

[Anthek]

Raina was able to obtain her cat form yesterday. She was very cute like that, although she couldn't get rid of the mane like a male has (we had a strange talk about changing genders when shapeshifting, but, luckily, she's still all female). I've been kind of slacking lately, and seeing her progress so well makes me want to step up my own training.

The biggest issue right now, though, is her father. We don't know if Fhenrir knows that we're mates, although her mother does.

[Anthek]

Raina says she's not ready to be a mother, yet, but, I have to say, it's something I look forward to very much. However, she likes the way we first mated, free and without prohibition to what we could do, so she's been taking herbs to keep her from becoming impregnated. She knows I want it, but I'm respecting her decision in every way I can. Doesn't stop us from having a bit more fun, heh.

[Anthek]

At first, I didn't want to believe it, especially coming from someone from the Grimtotem tribe. I thought I was the only one from my family left alive, but it seems that one other person was found by them, and raised safely. My little sister, Andalhi, she's alive, and well. Luckily, she had escaped from the Grimtotem, knowing she wasn't one of them, and I tracked her down, and brought her to the relative safety of Mulgore. She barely remembers me, but we are family, and that's more than enough for us.

[Anthek]

Been a long time, but I haven't had much of a reason to write, really. It's been more of the same: getting stronger, spending time with Raina.

The biggest thing is that I've returned home, for a better lack of a word. No trace of what had happened was left at the old campsite, not even the remains of those who died. I suspect the others from the main encampment took care of it, but I still got this bad feeling that my father's bones ended up being a meal for some wolf or yeti. The only one I'm certain of is my mother, and that was my own work. So, I took the area back. I used my cat form to claim the area from other predators, and established it as my hunting grounds.

While hunting, I rediscovered our tree. My tribe's tree, it has the names of all past family carved into a portion of it where a lightning strike had stripped all the bark free from it, with the oldest at the bottom, and myself and three others at the top, being my sister, my older brother, and my cousin. Without having been in use or even seen in so long, the names at the bottom had all but faded away, and moss covered much of it. I cleared away what I could, leaving the flesh of the tree stained green, but it was then clear enough. I added Raina's name next to mine atop it, as she's a part of it now, as well. I had to cross out my brother's and cousin's names, though.

And then the dream. I know wolves have been encroaching on my hunting grounds, but I only ever see them in my dreams. I end up killing many, but it always turns out to be too many to handle by myself. And then the ghost, I don't know what to make of that. I haven't told Raina, as I thought them nothing more than dreams, but I'm not sure anymore.

[Anthek]

The visions have been appearing more clearly (not the wolves, they've all but gone), but that only serves to make them more disturbing. All I've been able to discern is that the spirit form of the cat is truly that of my mother, and the heavy scent of despair and the constant look of regret I see upon it. Afterwards, all I can think of is that night, and waking up in her stiff arms. The scent of death has always lingered on me since, now with the blood of my prey, but the sensation the visions cause is far from the exhilirating rush of the hunt, like the only kind of death I can't stand. It feels like when I held Sunsong's corpse in my arms, or when I brought justice to those who had held Andalhi captive for all those years.

I can't believe after all this time and all I've done, I still want her to hold me.

[Anthek]

I'm usually not one to worry a lot, but, lately, things to worry about seem to loom around. I can't bring myself to tell of what I really did to save Andalhi from her captors, how I killed every single Grimtotem that knew of her existence. I didn't want to take chances, if they knew about her escape, they would have come after her. She doesn't even know, but what I did lingers in my mind when I'm in the Sanctuary guild hall, and makes me wonder why I came to them in the first place. A little naive, really, just looking for a place to stay to keep off the streets, but a lot's changed since then. The friends I had made since joining, the ones I only truly care for, have since left, and I haven't seen Sunsong in months. I keep thinking I only stick around to see her. Kind of funny, that after all this time and having Raina, I still can't seem to let go of her.

Raina is... something else. I see her own fear and anxiety, and it's at those times that I just want to hold her and keep her safe. Those moments are what inspire me to become stronger, so as to be able to comfort her and protect her and what might come to be for us, which is kinda funny, seeing as she could kick my ass.

[Anthek]

In trying to find my purpose, I have joined the Raven Cross, and asked Raina to join me as my partner in being accepted into it. Familiar faces eased her mind as to staying, for which I'm greatly appreciative of. It all feels so natural to me now, like this is how things are supposed to be.

[Anthek]

I finally had the opportunity to meet Fhenrir, Raina's father, which was awkward, but it went about how I expected it to. As a result, I formally proposed to her, even though we've been living as such for a while now. After all we've been through together, I felt she deserved as much, although I really don't know how to go about preparing a wedding. Raina's getting her mother to help, thankfully.

My training in Outland has been going very well. I can only hope to reach the height of my abilities soon, so I can participate with the Cross more actively.

[Anthek]

My one biggest fear throughout my life is being alone. Now, as I find myself very close to the time when I will be bound to the one I love, I can only be afraid of messing that up. I have been working as diligently as I can to prepare it, as well as finishing in my training. I've learned all I can, as it seems. Flying is certainly an interesting experience, and few have the chance to do so with wings of their own.

Back on track, though, I've been trying to imagine my future. I will always be a hunter, a predator, and hold to my duties as a primalist to the Earthmother, but I'll also have those of a husband, and, even farther, as a father. No matter my own failings, I can only do the best I can.

[Anthek]

If there's one thing I really can't stand, it's guilt and regret. Seeing Lankali again brought those feelings up, and I can't help but wish things could have been different, even though I am happy now. I saw it on her face as well, no matter how much I tried to tell her that there was no reason to feel envy over it. I had to keep my place in mind, though, to keep from doing something I'd really regret, but the thought that we missed out on something gnaws at me. Better try to keep my passions subdued.

[Anthek]

I'm finding it harder to control myself at times. How I've wanted many the chance to pin a certain someone to the ground and tear them to shreds, despite what that might bring. However, I'm not going to turn a blind eye just for posterity's sake, even though that's not going to keep them safe for long, from me or any thing else. It's only a matter of time. Comrades, be damned. If I never placed any trust in them before all this in the first place, there's little chance of me forcing it. It is true, what Feral said, but you end up with nothing and no one that way, not a life worth living at all.

On top of it all, Andalhi has to go missing. After all we've been through, and I can't find a trace of her. I shouldn't have expected any less that she'd be able to mask her scent, but from me? I can't understand why. Heavens help whomever if she's hurt...

[Anthek]

I failed, and the black arrow in my possession struck my heart without piercing the skin. I don't even know how I'm able to write this, or how I feel. Something like a mix of hatred and utter despair.

I've only ever loved five women before, and I've lost three now. Nearly four. How can any person stand that?

[Anthek]

*The previous entry has been scratched out.*

I take too many things for granted. Thanks to Feralmoon and Raina... well, I'm not going to give up just yet on Andalhi. Always trying to solve my problems by myself, I forget that I have those close to me to help. At times when I'm at my lowest, my mate's there to bring me back up.

[Anthek]

At the end of my rope. I can hardly think straight right now. I asked Feral for help. Whatever gods there are, please just let her have peace.

[Anthek]

After all this, and I mess it up. Feral isn't happy with me, and I don't know what's going through Lankali's mind. It's like I was possessed with those thoughts, and my whole being's been split in two. If I tell Raina, I could hurt her beyond repair, and I wouldn't forgive myself. I'm such an idiot...

[Anthek]

I've decided to just let what happen stay in the past. I can't let Andalhi's disappearance take hold of me, no matter what Feral might think of me, and I'm not going to throw away what I have with Raina for a fleeting moment with Lankali. I was afraid, but not anymore. I will take responsibility, but in my own way.

[Anthek]

People are stupid. I put my trust in a few, and they disappoint me over and over again. Feralmoon is near suicidal at this point, and I just don't know what to do anymore. I hit her and Dio both, and I got little response in return from either. I can't follow someone like that, and I left my tabard behind. My vows be damned, if he can't keep them either.

The only sense of happiness I get anymore is with Raina. Thank the Earthmother that our day is coming soon, after all this. I can't stand anyone else right now, it nearly makes me sick.

[Anthek]

Finally.

The ceremony was simple enough, and different from what I expected, but seeing her across from me while we pronounced to the witnesses there that we we are forever each other's has made me happier than I've ever been before. Above all, I just want to hold her in my arms as long as possible, and never let go.

[Anthek]

For real this time. I'm a father.

[Anthek]

Northrend is so much... bigger than I expected. Landing at the Fjord was jarring, arriving amidst the Forsaken and their attempts to strike further into the continent, with, surprisingly, green lands. I ventured into Grizzly Hills, which was breathtaking. Tall trees, much like home, although not as wet, and much cooler. The lion in me yearns to hunt there, but I have other tasks that need to be done. One, however, seems to have solved itself.

I found her. Not in Northrend, but in Thunder Bluff, I found Andy. I know now what the dreams meant, what happened to her, and both of us wanted to blame ourselves. It doesn't matter, though, I have her back, alive and well, for the most part. I don't know how she is mentally, having to fend off those who curse and attack her for what she is, but I will protect her, with all I can this time.

[Anthek]

Andalhi seems to be getting worse, coping with what she is now. She sometimes refuses to go by her real name, instead sticking with the one that was given to her, Fimbulvetr. It means the long-lasting winter before the end of the world. She can't create her own body heat, which means it has to be shared, or she has to steal it from other living beings. It's just one of the reasons why I end up holding her for a long time.

Raina and I have settled into our new home, especially for her sake, with the baby on the way. I travel by portal whenever I can to visit from Northrend, despite how much I'd like to avoid the magic. She's been getting stronger in her own way, and I've been treating her with foods from the north that I bring back with me. If there's one thing the arcane is good for, it's how it allows me to be with her as much as possible.

[Anthek]

Getting stronger, in ways I didn't expect. With the Scourge overrunning Northrend for the most part, I was surprised that most of the land wasn't like the Plaguelands. Still, the taint is there, and it has to be cleansed. I was never much experienced in the ways of healing, relying only on my natural powers to shift forms and hunt, but the necessity of it became rather glaring, as I was unable to purify some patches of earth. The land there is in constant torment, the wildlife suffering on so many fronts. I swear, I can hear the crying of the Earthmother herself carried on the sharp winds. So, I've focused on that for the time being, although my physical ability has suffered a little from being out of practice. I'm also learning the use of such things in common life, usually tasks I thought left best to the shamans, like delivering children, although I'm likely doing that as insurance, for Raina especially.

The worst part about it is the bark. The itchiness is enough to drive one mad.

[Anthek]

An empty log this has been, for quite some time. My abilities have grown more than I expected, being able to nurture and revitalize the land where it is needed, besides Icecrown. I'm not sure if that scar can ever be healed. The more time I spend there, I ache and grow irritable. Headaches have been making me snap at people, snarling and growling. I hope it is not the Scourge's corrupting influence, but tensions have been high among many, whether it be fighting the Lich King or between the Horde and Alliance. I'll do what I have to, to protect Raina and our child, even fight against the earth itself.