Nymare
09-01-2007, 03:22 AM
(('04-23-2007', '12:57 pm' - copied and pasted from the salvaged stuff Mortica saved from the other site's Journal's section))
It is a dark night, Father, and I cannot sleep. I lay next to Skafloc for what felt like hours, warm in his embrace, lulled by the strong, steady rhythm of his heartbeat and slow movement of breath, but sleep would not take me. I watched him as he slept for some time, loving him and marveling at how much I do. I still feel as though he is older than he has claimed. We barely knew each other before we married. In truth, we still do not know each other so well. It makes for interesting moments... However, tonight, I wanted nothing more than to fall asleep next to him, but my mind has denied me that joy. And, as I remain awake, I wonder if this insomnia is better than the dreams that would surely come? I think not.
At least when I sleep, there is only the horror of my previous life waiting for me. Every time I close my eyes, I find myself in a dark place. Trapped. Claustrophobic. Something horrible waits for me there... waits for me to misstep... claws at my heart as if to tell me I have no place in the Light. Why did you give me to him, Father? I thought I was finally free of him, but every time I close my eyes, I realize he will always be with me... hiding in the darker places of my soul, waiting for me to fall into his trap. I never told you what he did to me, did I? I do not think I ever will, Father, I love you too much, and I forgive you. He is only a dream now... a bad memory... and all I have to do to be free is open my eyes.
I have a new sister now, Father. Her name is Lovely and, though I love her very much, I think you would despise her... if for no other reason than that just seems to be the sort of luck she has with people. She is, perhaps, the sweetest girl I have ever met, and probably the most competent Blood Knight our city will ever see, but the trouble she gets into... I worry for her. Constantly. All I want to do is help her, somehow, but it always seems there is nothing I can do other than laugh with her and try not to think about the fact that someone wants her dead. I take comfort in the fact that she and I make a deadly pair - that Naaru always seems to make sure that I have at least one paladin by my side. I hate that I keep losing them. First Katsumei, then Qismett...
I worry for him most of all. I do not think you met him, either, Father. You would have liked him to talk to him and learn of his accomplishments, even if he holds no title. You would have wanted his head to know of the things in his past for which he has been responsible... He shared with me the burden of this knowledge, these things that haunt him, and I should have killed him the moment he confessed his crimes, but he had become such a good man, Father, a protector of our people, and I could see it in his eyes... he loathes what he has done more than he will ever be able to express. I had such hope for him, such faith in him, but I have broken his heart... and now he falters. I have an idea of the horrible things which he is capable of, should he fall completely, and I have vowed to stop him should ever it come to that, but I no longer know if I can. I fear I have made a tragic mistake.
I should return to bed, now, before Skafloc realizes that I am gone. He will see that I am troubled, he always can, and I do not want to worry him. In any case, the lightning that is flashing through the storm clouds that line the distant horizon suggests that the day to come will be just as dark. Perhaps I will be able to sleep afterall.
It is a dark night, Father, and I cannot sleep. I lay next to Skafloc for what felt like hours, warm in his embrace, lulled by the strong, steady rhythm of his heartbeat and slow movement of breath, but sleep would not take me. I watched him as he slept for some time, loving him and marveling at how much I do. I still feel as though he is older than he has claimed. We barely knew each other before we married. In truth, we still do not know each other so well. It makes for interesting moments... However, tonight, I wanted nothing more than to fall asleep next to him, but my mind has denied me that joy. And, as I remain awake, I wonder if this insomnia is better than the dreams that would surely come? I think not.
At least when I sleep, there is only the horror of my previous life waiting for me. Every time I close my eyes, I find myself in a dark place. Trapped. Claustrophobic. Something horrible waits for me there... waits for me to misstep... claws at my heart as if to tell me I have no place in the Light. Why did you give me to him, Father? I thought I was finally free of him, but every time I close my eyes, I realize he will always be with me... hiding in the darker places of my soul, waiting for me to fall into his trap. I never told you what he did to me, did I? I do not think I ever will, Father, I love you too much, and I forgive you. He is only a dream now... a bad memory... and all I have to do to be free is open my eyes.
I have a new sister now, Father. Her name is Lovely and, though I love her very much, I think you would despise her... if for no other reason than that just seems to be the sort of luck she has with people. She is, perhaps, the sweetest girl I have ever met, and probably the most competent Blood Knight our city will ever see, but the trouble she gets into... I worry for her. Constantly. All I want to do is help her, somehow, but it always seems there is nothing I can do other than laugh with her and try not to think about the fact that someone wants her dead. I take comfort in the fact that she and I make a deadly pair - that Naaru always seems to make sure that I have at least one paladin by my side. I hate that I keep losing them. First Katsumei, then Qismett...
I worry for him most of all. I do not think you met him, either, Father. You would have liked him to talk to him and learn of his accomplishments, even if he holds no title. You would have wanted his head to know of the things in his past for which he has been responsible... He shared with me the burden of this knowledge, these things that haunt him, and I should have killed him the moment he confessed his crimes, but he had become such a good man, Father, a protector of our people, and I could see it in his eyes... he loathes what he has done more than he will ever be able to express. I had such hope for him, such faith in him, but I have broken his heart... and now he falters. I have an idea of the horrible things which he is capable of, should he fall completely, and I have vowed to stop him should ever it come to that, but I no longer know if I can. I fear I have made a tragic mistake.
I should return to bed, now, before Skafloc realizes that I am gone. He will see that I am troubled, he always can, and I do not want to worry him. In any case, the lightning that is flashing through the storm clouds that line the distant horizon suggests that the day to come will be just as dark. Perhaps I will be able to sleep afterall.