A Simple Journal

[Sifar]

I received this empty notebook in the mail yesterday. It's nothing special just a purple cover with empty white pages. It came wrapped in brown paper with a simple instruction scribbled on the front: Write to yourself - V

I have an idea who this is from, but perhaps it doesn't matter. I'm hardly the type of lass to talk to myself.

So, what to say or write...

....

Yeah, well, perhaps I'll try again tomorrow.

[Sifar]

New day, new attempt.

Well, today started with --xx**scratched out scribbles**xx--

What should I say about myself...to myself? I know all there is to know about me. Dwarven lass, 36, slender, dark, blah blah blah --xxmore scratchesxx--

Dear Sifar,
How are you? I am doing well. I've been in Felwood and the weather is holding but the fumes are getting to me. I recently joined Haven and it seems to be going well. At least, I think it is. Let's just say it is a big change from the noisy barracks.

This is feeling silly. What do I expect...me to answer myself?

Bah!

[Sifar]

Sifar,
I can't believe I'm writing back.

I am glad you are well. I am doing fine. Well, not --**scribbled letters**--

Aye, well, I hope you made a good choice leaving the Regiment. They were like a second family to you. In many cases a better family than your first. Well, anyway, Varrathus retired to his farm. Angawen left in a huff. Perhaps it is only right that you forge a new path as well.

*a large question mark is in the margin next to this paragraph*

That elven lad, Verloran, -*the word "we" is scratched out*- you fought beside in northern Felwood is a new Haven initiate. Will have to learn more about him, decent with his blades though.

I'm now on speaking terms with the Timbermaw. Hope to have more to report tomorrow.

[Sifar]

It's always about family isn't it? Seems I've been trying to replace mine since Da destroyed it. If he had just left, I could have handled it. But, no, he tore the family apart. Ma's still hiding from him, afraid to show her face even to me. The one time I was ram-headed enough to seek him out, he left me to die on that blasted cliff.

So, what did I do? Focused on what I could control. Joined Magni's Regiment, trained under Hulfdan, put all my energy into being better and more than Da thought I could be. I think my commanders liked my resolve, my passion. They knew I was up for any task. I fought in their names. My rage... no... this isn't right. They gave me so much. They taught me to use my skills. The Regiment --x-the line seems to trail off-x--

Somehow I think you'll ask me more about that next time.

Anyway, have you met anyone new, anyone interesting?

-S

[Sifar]

Alright, so I don't want to talk about IFR. I will. Just not now. Too much is too fresh. The call to arms. The rage. No, not now.

I've finally reached a point in my training or my skills have developed to a point that everyone seems to be calling on me. My time in Felwood has been pleasant enough. One side trying to eradicate the other with me ultimately following the gold they offer. But now...the "mighty" Argent Dawn wants me to take out every shambling mass of tissue and bone in the plaguelands. The infernal Thorium Brotherhood and Stormwind guard want me to clear out Blackrock. And just the other day a willowy elf asked if I'd heard of Silithus. ...

Sunny wants me to go to Blackrock. I've tried to explain why I avoid it. He thinks I'm being silly. I just get so...angry. Is it anger? Something makes my blood boil as soon as the broken crust of the land crunches under my feet. --*large hash marks cover half the page*--


Quiet. Calm. Silent. Ready.

[Sifar]

Ah, yes, my mantra: Quiet. Calm. Silent. Ready.

For so long I think I mentally replaced that final "ready" with "deadly." Point me at a target and I'd do everything in my power to take it out. My own wounds did not matter. My methods were all a means to an end. My ends were laid out by my superiors. I need to change this thinking. I need to build my own sense of purpose and I'm beginning to.

Stepping away from the Regiment was hopefully my first step in the right direction. I know Thaena holds some reservations in accepting me. When next I see her, I hope to be able to show her some change. As I said to her then, there are much bigger enemies that face our existence than those who threaten a few of our homes.



Still, that Scrapper position holds appeal....

[Sifar]

Twisted my ankle. Can't walk fer crap.

Lost with nothin to do.

[Sifar]

Bah, I'm still feeling crappy today. The ankle seems a bit better but the medic said I should stay off it for another day or two.

So, I'm just sitting around the guild hall, nothing to do. Everyone is out taking care of their own business. I've caught up on some reading and did a little experimenting with some new herbs.

Yeah, well, I didn't say I had an interesting day, did I?

I re-read a little of what I wrote earlier. I can be a bit whiny can't I. Life is tough, suck it up. You don't get anywhere moaning about yer crappy lot in life. You need to make something of it.

But really, what can you make of life when your greatest talent is boppin' people on the back of the head?

[Sifar]

Alright, I need to get past my hatred of the Dark Iron clans. I'm not sure what it's going to take. Someone suggested I separate fact from fiction.

Fact 1. Me Da was a Dark Iron lad who beat the ever livin' crap out of me Ma and busted up the family.
Fact 2. He left us to rejoin them as a captain or some such.
Fact 3. The Dark Irons have conspired to bring down Ironforge more than once and remain a constant thorn in our side - Dun Modr, Loch Modan's dam
Fact 4. Their presence in the Badlands and Searing Gorge remain a threat to both Ironforge and Stormwind.
Fact 5. They tried to kill me.
Well, that was probably on me Da's orders...but it's not in their favor.
Fact 6. Varrathus' dear wife was a Dark Iron. That should give them a little credit

Fact or Fiction: They're evil, traitorous, blood thirsty, possessed minions of an insane leader.
Fact or Fiction: They'll die before they give up.
Fact or Fiction: They still have a price on my head.
Fact or Fiction: They are all polymorphs of dragonkin under the rule of some great demon. Personally, I don't believe this one.

Hmm, not sure that's complete, but it's a start.

[Sifar]

Heh - it seems even dark dwarves enjoy a good drink once in a while. Cannot say much for the company they keep though.

[Sifar]

Today someone asked me if I ever managed to reconcile with or get over my issues with my da. Ha! I thought to myself. How could anyone expect me to ever get over what he had done to me, done to us? That isn't exactly something you just walk away from...it seems to leave an indelible mark on your very soul. My hatred of him has driven me to acheive more than I ever thought possible as a wee lass terrified in my bed. Leaving there was a huge relief...not being able to go back broke my heart.

Then, I thought, what does hating him really get me? Yes, it has driven me, but am I simply the sum of his influence? I'd like to think there is more to me than just that. In fact, I know it. I'm generous in ways he could never be. I've gained the trust of others in ways he attepts to command but not achieve. I remember seeing the distrust in his men's eyes.

What if I simply choose to ignore him and move forward? What if I never set foot in Blackrock again? I don't know if that would truely heal me. I know I could find more to live for than hate.

Laron Rave....--**several paragraphs are crossed out**--

I'm beginning to see family in a new light.

[Sifar]

Whiplash of the heart.

Aye, that might be the words to explain it.

Our Inquisitor, Hailos, deigned to meet with me the other day. Well, deigned may not be the right word...he was headed to the rival zones of Hellfire and I needed a guide. If I thought he was imposing before, perched on his drake paints a whole new picture. He's a quiet man. All about getting things done. Hmm, I can understand that. Anyway, afterwards I realized that I was just waiting for him to chide me for something. I was waiting for that harsh word or slap on the back of my head. My skin literally crawled with anticipation. He called for me to stealth and I snapped to it.

No questions, just action. It made me a good soldier, but does it make me a good dwarf?

Life shapes us but can we become more than our parents made us to be? I have hope.

[Sifar]

New lands! New adventures! they say. The scorched earth reminds me so much of, well, of Searing Gorge and the Blasted Lands. I want to move forward but I've unfinished business.

So many around me seem so happy, almost oblivious to the world. How do they do that? What keeps them going? I saw a bearded man tickle the check of a dark-haired woman the other day. Their exchange of smiles seemed to complete their world. I've seen soldiers snap-to and execute without hesitation. Sounds like I'm whining. I'm not. I'm trying not to. I don't want love and all that mushiness...I just want to feel whole, to feel complete.

Why must I argue with so many? You say white, I'll say black. You say 'good luck', I'll say 'don't die.' Am I simply showing the flip side of any coin or do I talk just to fill the air?





I wish I knew which "V" sent me this. I curse their name.

[Sifar]

No news today.

Thaena's still laid up.
Hailos continues to defend our lands.
I think I saw Magometus the other day.
Laron is lost to us.

Hmm, perhaps just nothing is happening in my life.

[Ninorra]

((Go Hailos, woo!))

[Sifar]

((My favorite Hailos quote: ""Killing extra-planar creatures and war criminals generally takes priority over occasional chats with my guild mates. What is it?"))

Blast it all to hell! I cannot find a single sweet thing in the entire guild hall. No muffins. No cinnamon buns. No moonberry juice. I just want something yummy. I don' think that's too much to ask. The strange meats of the Outlands are leaving a crappy taste in my mouth.

I think I scared Perset with my storming about. She was just trying to help.

*scribble*

When it comes to this time of the month, I really should just lock myself away. In a comfortable bathroom, of course.

Ma said "Tis natural, sweetie. Yeh got te let et happen." Blah! A plague upon thee I say! (heard someone say that once...I think it applies here) Where can I sign up to skip this so called "boon" for a few dozen years?!

Khaz be damned.

I am grumpy.

So be it.

A large circle is drawn at the bottom of the page: :mad:

[Sifar]

I hurt all over. I hate it when my body does not bend to my will. I trained it, I care for it, it should damn well do as I say.

Then again, how exactly does one dodge something twice one's size?

If I could just get my hands on a decent mace, I wouldn't be taking so many hits. If I wasn't taking so many hits, I wouldn't hurt so much.

Perhaps Hulfdan is right. I should wait until my cramps pass.

grrr...

[Ninorra]

((Bwahaha!! I love her!))

[Sifar]

I'm feeling much better today, thank you very much. I hate to be such a crab. I try to fight it all the way, but once in a while it is fun to give in. Varry used to say that taking a day off to cuddle up next to a fire or spend a day in Bruuk's could do a dwarf a little good. I'm not very good at that. Just relaxing seems like such a waste of time. When I'm on duty, I'm there to get stuff done, to do right by others, to lend a hand where needed. When I'm not on duty...meh. Not much to my life outside of Haven.

Sure, I work on my training, I meddle with my herbs, but even that is all part of my work, isn't it? I attended a party once. I even wore a dress at Tindary's request. But, really, what is the point? The politicos and brass use it to forge and maintain alliances. For grunts like me, however, it's just a waste of time. I don't chit-chat. I don't swap gossip with the lasses.

I am what I do.

What I do, is kill.

. . .

Is that really it...all it is? I can't believe I wrote that. Yes, I kill. I do it in the name of those who lead and decide. I do it so others can live...live peaceful lives. I don't do it in anger or fear. Anger and fear dull the mind. I've tried to remove revenge from my motives. Well, perhaps "am trying" would be more accurate. As long as I don't lead, don't make the decisions, am I exempt from blame?

Bloody hell. Why do I doubt myself?

Bloody hell.

[Sifar]

Well, I just re-read what I wrote the other day... hmm... well, this is a different directions entirely:

--**scribbled in the margin**-- when, exactly did I start stammering In My Writing?!

Someone touched me to today.

Sounds harmless enough, doesn't it. Or I guess it could sound creepy.

But, lads just don't touch me. Hell, half the time I think I'm one o' them. Yes, I'm Sifar...the lass! Forgive me if me Ma didn't put a blasted "a" or "y" on the end of my name. --**something dark is scratched out**-- anyway...

Sure, I've gotten a pat on the head (damn elves) or a quick clasp on the shoulder but never really touched. Never touched like someone was looking into me, seeing me. I've managed to keep most folks at a distance. Aye, I know...tis safer that way and all. I've been through this with sweet Tally before. I once imagined it as a circle of dancing blades arranged beautifully but dangerously around me.

But this lad touched me.

Aye, this lad touched me.

[Sifar]

Somehow I'm not surprised...I didn't sleep well last night. I wasn't really able to get him out of my head. I chide myself every time my fingers linger at the spot where he touched. It's silly really, feeling that little flutter, noticing the slight smile stretch my lips. This is not me.

I am not some silly school girl. I am a fighter, a soldier. Such things are best left in private. (Might explain why I hate being there.) I cannot have such daydreams wandering through my head. I have work to do, contracts to fulfill. Now is not a good time for such pretty thoughts (is it ever?). Can I even believe that it meant a thing to him (as it did to me)? This is not what I want from life...some lad to depend on (care for?) just to be left behind in the end.

Who, exactly, am I trying to convince?

Knowing the transient nature of our lives, who's to say I'll even see him again?

Better that I don't.

Aye, better that way.

[Ninorra]

((He'd better be HOT!))

[Sifar]

I tried having this conversation over a round of drinks at the Honor Hold inn. It started peacefully enough but I knew it was time to make my exit when a flying beer stein crossed before my eyes.

Now, I am not a hunter and I do not have a pet. But, I have watched some great ones in action: Leithlen, Morgenstern, Koenig, and so many others. Sure, they’ve accidentally backed into a corner of formerly-peaceful enemies or not kept their pets under control from time to time…but they are damn good at their job. They know their weapons, they know their skills, and they know how to make the most of it all.

But these other hunters I’ve teamed up with lately seriously leave something to be desired. When I feel compelled to give advice, you know it’s bad. The one last night wasn’t terrible…just mediocre. The one last week almost made me cry.

Since there was little listening happening in Honor Hold, you, dear journal, get to hear my complaints…

1. Hunters should not be melee fighters. Your weapon is a bow or gun, use it! You've been trained to use one better than any other fighter yet you shun it...bah! Those shiny daggers at your hip may help your confidence or get you out of a tight spot, but they were not made for killing.

2. Range is your friend. Clear an area, make a path, I don’t care. Just don’t stand next to the blasted thing you’re trying to kill.

3. A hunter’s best friend is her pet. Treat it well. Train it daily. Don’t try to feed me some bloody line like “but my pet doesn’t like me right now.” I don’ care! Call it to your side, feed it, tickle it under the chin, and then make it follow your commands. So what if yer not a “beastmaster” that doesn’t mean you should nay have a beast! I can survive as well as you can, but I do it by making use of every means and skill at my disposal.

I’ll say nay more on this subject.

Unless they really piss me off again.

And, no sight of him today.

[Skafloc]

(( If Skafloc could read your journal, he would feel compelled to buy you a round of ale and offer a great big hug. Even if you are a dwarf. ))

[Sifar]

((Perhaps I'll have to stop by World's End more often. Even if you are an elf.))

Nothing too special today. Met a hunter who restored a bit o' me faith in hunters. Nothin' glorious, mind you, but he could handle his bow.

The Outlands are wearin' a bit thin on me. It still feels foreign and every time I see the bits o' land floatin' over my head, spinning, churning...oi! Me stomach starts doing the same. Ach, and the demons! Demon pigs, demon imps, demon rock things, demon warriors - it's enough to drive a lass mad. How sick is it that I long for the simple shambling undead of the plaguelands? Well, now that the smell is coming back to mind, perhaps I'd rather not. Then there is the sulfur of Blackrock, but that isn't all that different than the 'Forge.


Almost forgot: I heard whispers that Angawen may be in Stormwind. Doesn't sound like she's doing too well. I may have to look into what that reporter dug up. Khaz knows, she's helped me out of more than one tough spot.

[Sifar]

I saw him again today. I best write this before I lose my thoughts.

I certainly didn’t expect to as I had returned to Kalimdor to take a break from recent duties. I picked Winterspring as perhaps the most opposite area possible. In truth, I’d been meaning to go there for some time but one excuse or another kept me away. Regardless…he found me…tracked me down.

The Timbermaw asked for favor several weeks back and I was finally following through. His gruff voice whispered quietly to me as I emerged from their tunnels. He asked where to find me today. Honestly, I was surprised. Until today our meetings had been co-incidental: sharing a meal at the inn or checking in with the Quartermaster at the same time. This was the first he asked for me. As I was off doing favors, I supposed I’d see him another time.

Then, I had just finished clearing the second camp when an orange striped cat streaked past me to tear into another Deadwood fighter. I turned slightly and saw him set his feet to take aim. The shot taken, he saluted me with a wink and a smile. Foolish me, I was caught off tempo and the shaman batting away my blades was able to land its staff on my head. Furious with myself, I returned to my fight and didn’t give him a second thought until it was done.

Wiping my blades, I coldly reminded him not to surprise a lass like that in the future. He laughed, laughed that deep throated rumble that I can almost feel. “But,” he said, “you must know that surprises can tell you so much about your prey.” I stared at the furlbog his cat had shredded and wondered if that’s what he meant. Speaking quickly, he suggested we work together to get my favor done in short order.

Indeed, with his help we literally tore through the remaining villages. This lad knows how to use his tools for maximum effect. I caught myself, more than once, simply watching.

I surveyed the now empty villages to ensure my new friends would be content with the results. Apparently I shivered or chattered in the cold, for he invited me to share his small fire and a sausage. Who knew you could create a decent sausage from ravagers? Look more like bugs than anything edible.

You know how much of life flies by with hardly a thought while other moments seem imprinted firmly? These few moments, with him, by the fire, I hold close.

Politely, I sat down across the fire from him. The flames danced on the cheeks above his dark beard. He gently shook his head and patted the spot next to him. I could feel myself flush as I rose to sit next to him. He breathed deeply as I reached across his lap to take the offered sausage. I sat eating quietly, facing the fire. His cat wrapped around us both completing the cozy picture. At a click from him, the cat nudged me into him. The cat’s purr and his rumbling laugh pulled me into their circle.

Once the cold began to creep back in, he rose and kicked out the embers. I rose and was about to speak when he lift my hand to his nose and inhaled deeply. His next words caught me off guard: “Nae worries, lass. Cat an’ I kin always find yeh now.”

He mounted, winked, and left. Just left.


Perhaps all we have are these moments in time.

[Ninorra]

((Yeeeeee....!!))

[Skafloc]

(( She is soo cute.. ))

[Sifar]

((Thanks, folks. I'm glad you're enjoying it and keeping up. Honestly, I'm not quite sure where she's headed or what comes next, but I know what drives her. (Oh, and it isn't: kidnappers, immortality, demon possession, political intrigue, or forbidden love. She's just a lass finding her way in this crazy world.) ))

[Skafloc]

(((Oh, and it isn't: kidnappers, immortality, demon possession, political intrigue, or forbidden love. She's just a lass finding her way in this crazy world.) ))

(( And that is exactly what makes her so endearing. :D And she is a female dwarf rogue for Pete's sakes!! ))

[Sifar]

(( *flexes her muscles for all the female dwarf rogues out there* ))

Raging headache. So much to write, but I can hardly string two words together. -*There are obvious fingerprints under the previous sentence*- What do you know...12.

I've seen a new side of Hailos. I like it when people surprise me.

What the bloody hell am I thinking with Him. -*the line wanders off*- him. Him. He-who-shall-not-be-named. Oi!

[Sunsong]

I've seen a new side of Hailos. I like it when people surprise me.


((*cough* >.> I'd like to see this side you speak of...))

[Sifar]

Amazing what a 4-hour afternoon can do for a lass. Now what did I want to write?

Ah, Hailos.

I've written of him here before. I've always seen him as an imposing professor or one of my generals who should never be disturbed. I know he has important work to do and it comes before so many other things. Yesterday, though, I saw something else in him.

I was checking my mail outside World's End. I think I was hoping to see a familiar face inside, but Hailos quietly appeared behind me. After a short welcome, he suggested we go inside. Thinking on it now, I'm not quite sure why since he obviously has little liking for the regulars there. But, enter we did. Quietly, pleasantly, he showed me around and introduced me to a few folks. I listened respectfully and we shared little bits about our travels. I even bought him a drink...just seemed to be the proper thing to do.

After a bit, he requested I follow him. We left the tavern, made a wrong turn, but still made it to the orphanage in Lower City. I'd never been. I'd seen children running about there, but didn't make the connection. Stormwind has an orphanage, but not Ironforge or Darnassus. Here in Lower City, human, orc, blood elf, and dreanei played together. Hailos "whipped out his Willy" and let the kids poke at his oozling pet. In time, Hailos showed me each of the races swaddled in their beds, all in a row.

Here I can begin to see what brought Thaena to create Haven or Vilmah to conceive Sanctuary. To see it touching, perhaps driving, Hailos gave me more respect for the man while bringing him down to earth. An ideal space where skin, size, and heritage are forgotten in the name of survival and joy. In this small enclave my new path became a bit clearer.

I was lost in thought during our walk back to the tavern. When Hailos asked if I'd yet bought my armored ram, I was again surprised. Chagrined, I admitted to never amassing the funds necessary. He proceeded to separate a small pouch from his pack and passed me the difference required for training and armoring a swift ram. Even now, I can hardly think of a way to repay him.

He shooed me away and I rushed to jump the portal to Ironforge and sprinted to Amberstill Ranch. Veron knew the one I had my I on, so, I was saddled and riding in no time.

Wahoo!

[Sunsong]

((Awwwwww!! Hailos is a big sweety!))

[Sifar]

I saw him again today. I don’t think he saw me though. Exploring from the ground, I wanted to see what areas lay around Hellfire. I’d flown near them before, but could make out very little from the tree tops.

Regardless, there he was - out in the muck of the marsh chasing after his cat.

Everything I’ve seen him do, he does with abandon. There was a smile plastered to his face even as he sloshed through the mud and reeds. Several shots and a crashing fall later, I heard him let out a cry of triumph. As a winged insect began to pursue me, I did not stay longer to say "'Ello."

I’ve watched him drink others under the table. I’ve listened to him share long yarns with bored guards. For me, he’s made the most tedious contracts filled with laughter and near death experiences. His motto may be “if you’re not dyin’, then you’re not tryin’” for all the times he’s stood to tackle the next target while bandages still danged from a shoulder or leg. He wrestles with his cat one moment, then leans against it to sleep.

For such a man, I wonder what can come if I am his next target.

Target? Does “target” = “conquest”?

Oi! Best I get back to tasks and situations I can understand. I don’t know where this can go. If only -*a name is scratched out*- Nay use wishing for what cannot be.

[Sifar]

I'd like to know who "V" is, the one who sent me this journal. At times I've cursed his, or her, name considering the self-doubt or questioning I seem to pour out onto these pages. Life once seemed so simple; hard, perhaps, but simple.

I had a job and I poured myself into doing it well. I had friends who knew me since my first day in Ironforge. I've no official role now. I just pick up odd jobs trying to do a bit o' good for those around me. My dearest friends have moved on: retirement, promotion, or better circles. I find it hard to make new ones but trust it will come in time. That's one thing I seem to have - time.

Along with all the doubt scrawled onto these pages, I can also see how I've changed. It takes time, these big changes, but I can point to this page or that and see the sparks that have helped me grow. I hope Varry would be proud of how I've changed. I'm sure me Ma could appreciate the strength I've gained. Hers was a strength of a different kind but no less strong.

I miss her. *the pen seems to have paused here for a while leaving a large blotch of black ink*


Duty calls. A young priestess I know has been getting picked on in the jungle...again. She doesn't whine too much, so I figure to lend her a hand this evening. I wonder if Hailos would appreciate some of the local wine.

[Sifar]

By all that keeps us safe! I've had an amazing two days.

Since last I put pen to page I lost this journal accidentally replacing it with another's, learned to transcribe Thalassian (no small feat), read the thoughts and desires of an amazing lass, and (I hope) made a new friend. That I lost this journal worried me as much of my heart is poured out here. To realize I held another lass's journal gave me a window to another world. I met her, the other writer, she's lively and warm hearted once you see past the Sin'dorei exterior.

I probably could have talked to her for hours (yes, talked, magic has its uses), but thoughts of another broke my attention. He's asked me to help him with a nearby contract. I'm on my way there now. I've got to calm down before I arrive or else he'll know something is up.

[Sifar]

Oh

My

Goodness

I blame it all on Ninorra. Alright...not really. I think, though, that she saw something in me that would lead me to this moment. To think that I was worried about her. She wrote of bindings, bruises, mark, and love. Now I begin to understand the basis on trust. Without trust, domination is simply fear. Did I fear my captains when they issued orders? No, I trusted that the orders were reasonable and made for the good. Perhaps this applies here as well.

Ninorra, thank ye for opening my eyes.

As noted yesterday, I went to work with him. Well, it became more than just work.


-* there is much more written on this page but it seems coded somehow *-
-* why would someone code their own journal *-
-* if you persist in your reading, you may be able to tease out the meaning here (http://wow-tng.org/showthread.php?p=105438#post105438) *-

[Sifar]

I've been walking around the 'Forge for hours now. It's such an easy path: round and round again. It lets me think. Most people are so busy, they hardly even notice you. I nod to people I know, smile to some, enjoy the silence outside Hulfdan's. As much as I think...I come to no conclusions.

I returned Laron's Darnassian translation book today. He gave me a funny look. Probably because of the huge smile plastered to my face. He didn't ask any questions though. With what I now know of him, I probably would have told him. Having the secret is half the fun though.

Bah, I've got to find some work to do. All this thinking is making me nuts.

Maybe I'll write to Ninorra.

[Sifar]

I got a lot done last night. Random errands and contracts had been nagging at me for a while so, I set out to check them off my list. Walking round the 'Forge wasn't doing me much good anyway. Not much of interest, o'course. Well, planting that jar of termites in a sawmill made me smile.

So, in the midst of doing all this, I bumped into Laron. He was trying to aquire lockboxes, or was it roses, but took the time to talk with me a bit. By Khaz, he's a patient lad. Has a few centuries of experience more than I do...and willing to share. I like someone who can take a "been there, done that" approach rather than "you should or shouldn't just because I say."

He seems to think it right that a lass have a ...hmm, no... not "have" perhaps "get", certainly not "need" ... crap ...

Well, we talked about lads, other lads. It just started in the strangest way. But then it was an hour later and we were talking about my family and some apparently big talks me Ma never shared with me. Unfortunately, we were pulled away or we might have talked for hours more.

It seems that new friends do appear when others are lost.

[Sifar]

Today was pure, unadulterated boredom.

I found a bux I couldn't apen. So, l chalienged myself ta qractice unlil I could get et right.

Now, me fingers ar numb ad my mind is blank. I must sleeep before i siply fall on my face a' this stopid worc table.

Sweet dreasm

[Sifar]

Reminder to self - never try to write after picking locks for two hours.

We had dinner together tonight. He came by the guild hall just as I was sitting down to eat. So, it isn't like we intended to share the meal. But, it was nice none the less. It was good to see him away from the fighting and the chaos of Hellfire.

He laughs so easily, it's like a charm. He's got a story for everything and everyone he's ever met. Not that I manage to get a whole lot of history out of him. Once when I asked him what he did when he was my age, there was a flicker of a storm behind his eyes. It passed quickly, as usual, with a joke. I know of pain and do not press him.

As he turned to leave our meal, I put the lightest touch on his arm. He hadn't spoken of our kiss and my stopping. I was worried. I'm not anymore. He pulled me into a great bear of a hug and kissed me on the forehead. (not quite what I was looking for) He hushed me and said that we'd get there in time. I hope we do.

Added: Laron called me Sif this evening. It wasn't bad. I hope he wasn't miffed when I called him on it. But, no one has ever called me anything other than Sifar. I don't quite know what to think about it. Sif - Sif Beld - meh

[Sifar]

Not much to write tonight. I spent most of the day in the lab trying to figure out uses for the new plants I've been picking up. Dreaming Glory has the most invigorating scent which lasts for some time after picking. So potent I wonder what to make of it.

My head buried among the vials, beakers, and pestles...I don't even know if anyone else was around.

[Sifar]

*Tucked into the journal is an extra bit of parchment*



Sifar,
I know you nay be the dress and frills type of lass. So, when I saw this in a shop, I thought of ye. The leather is of the finest quality and the color should suit ye well. I had the crafter try it on for me. While it fit her fine, I cannae wait to see it on ye.

I look forward to having that chance.

With pleasure,
Omet Quicksilver


The set is absolutely gorgeous. It moves like a second skin. I cannot stop smiling at the pleasure of it.

[Sifar]

I was introduced to the Elves and Tauren of Cenarion Expedition today. While their presence in Hellfire is limited, they've built quite a camp on the other side of the western mountains. I've never had a particularly good relationship with their kind, but I'm realizing that times and needs are changing. It's interesting to see so many working side by side to further the group's goals. Of course, what I see at first glance may be misleading.

Like many I've worked with, we all begin to realize that what a person says and what they mean may be entirely different. Language alone is a barrier in many cases. Not even half of us grew up speaking the language we use for trade and communication every day. Then there is the meaning behind the words. When a dwarf says he's going to do something, I trust him or her to do it. However, when a gnome says the same, I know they intend to do it but distractions may get in the way. Finally, there are those who never let their true meaning be known. They give false reasons for why they need the void essence you've collect or why you should bring a particular person to meet with them. This I cannot stand.

I'm sure many look at me and my tools and see your average rogue. I can see how they sharpen their eyes waiting to catch me at some game or trickery. I've no dark motive, no desire to take from them. I work to serve those who've need of my skills. I'd never make it as a front line fighter, so I keep to the shadows. I cannot fathom the ways of the Light that buoy so many, so I make my own luck happen.

I trust in myself. Trusting in others is proving to be...difficult.

[Sifar]

*this page is dotted with wet marks and extra splotches of ink*

I don' know what to say...to write.

I wish...


I want...

Bloody hell, I wish it all made sense.

I've been curled in this bed for an hour and it still overwhelms me. Why am I like this? How can I be so self-assured in one area of me life and so not in another?

I returned to this small apartment in the 'Forge to be by myself. Bumping into Thaena or Laron right now would do me no good. I'd likely make a fool of myself. Laron tried to give me advice, but when I'm in the middle of it all it no longer makes sense. It's cozy here and feels like home even if it's not.

He kissed me farewell over two hours ago and I could hardly look him in the eye. How can he be wild like a feral cat one day yet protective like a lioness the next? Of course, I love him for both.

If I love him, why can't I...


-* there is much more written on this page but it seems coded somehow *-

-* if you persist in your reading, you may be able to tease out the meaning here (http://wow-tng.org/showthread.php?p=108269#post108269) *-

[Okhu]

(( You madam....<3 Squeee.. ))

[Sifar]

Oh my, what a difference a talk and a night can make.

After I finished writing the last entry, who should come by? Laron. Here I was avoiding him and he knocks at my door. O'course he just needed a few lockboxes opened...but got a long earfull. I was about to show him the new picking techniques when he had to ask how things were going with Omet.

It all came spilling out. Poor lad probably didn't know what to do with a sobbing dwarven lass. Actually, he recovered pretty well. Perhaps he's learned from Njame. After a hug, we started to talk. He let me get it all out. As much as writing helps, talking to another helped in a different way. He's a good listener.

After listening all that while, he started to talk in that calm way of his. With him, anything sounds reasonable and possible. A gift I do not possess. At least I'm beginning to fathom Omet's intentions now. I might, possibly, be starting to understand my own.

I'm still scared, scared of this unknown that's overwhelming me right now. But I don't have to stay scared. I was scared the first time I was left in Searing Gorge, but I returned to conquer that fear. I conquered it with knowledge, skills, and strength. This new "challenge" will take different knowledge, skills, and strength...but it can be done. I am more than I was. I can become more than I am.

I have to trust in this...above all.

I have to learn about myself...before all else.

[Sifar]

Today has been another exhausting day. Fighting to overcome this fear has been as tough as any physical battle I've fought. Ultimately it is my mind fighting against years...decades worth of hatred and fear. I was able to avoid it for so long. I tucked it away like some dark secret and tried to live without it. Bad move.

Omet brought it all back to the surface with that one touch. The touch that reminded me of the dark spot within me. While it remained, I could not stand his touch. It was as if he could see it.

A kind-hearted friend helped me dig it out and expose it for scrutiny. He pulled away the layers and let me see most of it for what it is ... fear of the unknown and fear that the only "love" I've known is all that I could hope for. I didn't know what to expect of Omet or what he would expect from me. To not know something so close to me was, is terrifying. What I did know of intimate love I learned from my parents and that should never be repeated in the history of the mountain. If that was love...I wanted nothing to do with it.

But...that isn't love...that isn't what intimacy is about. That was hatred and power and fear. Intimacy makes you break down those walls and be yourself, exposed, before another that you trust. He taught me that trust was essential. And with that...all else matters little.

__________________

[Sifar]

I spoke with Omet again today. He's been busy but at least I didn't scare him off. He knows I need time and I treasure his patience. I also treasure the passion he shows in even the simplest of things.

With luck, we'll lunch in the park tomorrow.

I also spoke with Laron again. It makes me laugh sometimes but I think he's taken me on as a pet project or like a little sister. Oh, but the things he knows! Indeed, much like a big brother, he's opened my eyes to a few things.



-* there is much more written on this page but it seems coded somehow *-

-* if you persist in your reading, you may be able to tease out some of the meaning here (http://wow-tng.org/showthread.php?p=109459#post109459) *-

[Sifar]

I'm just now getting back to Haven's hall after the loveliest afternoon with him. We only meant to have lunch, but could think of no good excuse to leave when the food was gone. Instead, we talked of so many things. I knew he had a large family, but five brothers and a sister surprised me. It seems they're all hunters but following very different paths. It's neat to hear how he talks of them. Years and continents separate them now, but they still seem so close.

Growing restless inside the city, we decided to head out to Loch Modan for a while. I don't think we ever had any particular plan, now that I think of it. Now that i've grown immune to the wildlife, I find it a beautiful place. (Wasn't so beautiful when even the bitty spiders caused panic.) I can look around now and see the homes and the people that I try to protect every day.

He challenged me to a race around the loch...something I haven't done in years! In the end, Cat beat us both. But, we collapsed in a happy heap just before the dam's eastern ramp. Laying there panting and out of breath the world seemed crystal clear and alive. I looked at him and thought of all I've learned this past week. Somehow, I managed to turn to him and trace his lips. He let me talk a bit and he held me tight for a long time after.

We raced back again and parted with a kiss and a smile. I'm still smiling now...

[Sifar]

I've been neglecting my contracts. I guess I've been a little preoccupied. (Really? Who could have guessed?!)

When I got the oh-so-polite but pointed note from the Draenei of Temple Telhamat, I knew it was time to get back to work. At the very least, I needed to assure them they were not forgotten. So, I spent the better part of today out there essentially checking things off a to-do list. While I've no great interest in the past or spiritual, it is interesting to see how it drives so many others. Even drives them to obsession. Odd.

Regardless, it has been a good day.

Also, I had a few more exchanges with Ninorra this week. With all the advice from Laron, Omet, and other lads, I needed another lass's perspective. I'm so glad I met her, strange though the circumstances were. If she ever needs anything, all she need do is ask.

And my "practicing" is ... going well.

[Sifar]

*a single phrase is written across the middle of this page*





I missed me lad today.





.

[Sifar]

What the bloody hell am I doing?

Is it any different than the way I compartmentalized myself before? I shut my old family life off from my time in Ironforge. When the two clashed, I left one in an attempt to take care of the other. I nearly lost myself in the process.

You'd think I learned something.

Now, I face a similar dilemma with Omet and my friends from Haven. I talk of Haven with Omet. And, I talk of Omet with my friends. Yet, I avoid bringing the two together. why?

He is like my little secret I get to keep all to myself. I treasure these little secrets of mine. I treasure this journal just as i treasure the one other who has seen it. I treasure the dashing rogue who has my back just as he's welcomed me into this family. I treasure how "innocent" and "simple" people think I am due to my stature...it gives advantage beyond measure sometimes.

Re-reading this, it seems I've learned how fleeting most things are in this world.

[Sifar]

Why Are Lads Such Idiots?

Not all... and not always... but egads!

I've met my fair share of good ones, of course. Then there are the Fools, the Idiots, the Pompous, and the Blowhards. Normally sane, these lads lose some piece o' their minds in the company o' a lass, dwarven or otherwise.

I've watched them drink until they cannot walk straight just trying to muster up the courage to say 'hello.' With that much 'courage' no lass would give them the time of day. Well, any sane lass.

For those that do manage to speak up, too many see lads and lasses as separate creatures with foreign needs. I know plenty of lasses happier clunking around in plate armor than in fine silks. Gifts of sweet chocolates do little to stir my heart, but make me laugh and I'm certain to call on you again. Know who you're talking to!

What slays me most of all, though, are the self-inflated raptors who prefer proving themselves over getting a job done. The poor lad I attempted to fight beside last eve was a prime example.

I put out a call hoping for help with a particular fel orc in Hellfire's ravine. I might o' been able to handle it...but, fewer bruises the better. A dashing young lad rode over to help. Thank goodness for the cowl I wear, otherwise my smirk may have un-nerved him even further. He dismounted with a flourish and a bow. "Let me take care of him for you, sweetie," he said. Sweetie! I cannae recall the last time a stranger called me "sweetie." He actually waved me over to the side as I moved forward preparing to strike. The poor sop wanted the kill for himself...told me not to dirty myself with such work. What?! Did I think I was standing there waiting to be rescued until he showed up?

We argued, but only briefly. I've learned there is no use reasoning with such lads. So...I moved over. I actually took a seat and pulled out a cold sausage to eat and watch the show. They traded blows, the orc with deadly focus, the lad with flourish and a smile. In the end the creature fell ... moments before the lad collapsed himself.

I removed the orc's badge as proof of the kill before wafting some nasty herbs under his nose to rouse him again. With a firm pat on his broken arm, I left him to consider his position bloodied and in the dirt.

I'll have to remember the name of that priest who ran screaming in circles anytime something hit him... Another tale entirely.

[Sifar]

Something tells me today is going to be a very interesting day. Laron and Najme have invited me over for some "advanced lessons (http://wow-tng.org/showthread.php?t=7051)" as he's calling it. Apparently I don't quite "get it" yet.

I don't know what to think.

Something tells me this isn't how most people go about it. Yet... Yet I feel so much better about being with me lad after everything I've thought and done so far.

Today, hopefully, will just be one more step to my own... enjoyment.

[Sifar]

It feels like an eternity since I last wrote on these pages. I have so much to write yet the words keep swirling in my head, unable to be pinned down. Well, maybe not words so much as impressions. Words seem too small to capture what I’m feeling.

Really, what do you say when the very walls that seemed to crush you a week ago…disappear? They’re shattered and lay about my mind like strange figments from a time before. I wonder if I’m still Me sometimes. I’ve done so much in the past weeks, experienced things never hinted at before. (maybe hinted, but never imagined) I look back 10 pages and distantly feel the fear that gripped me then. I’ve never…rarely been at such a loss before. Now, through the grace of others, I see myself perched and looking forward. Perhaps some fear or trepidation remains, but I’m eager. Eager to feel those waves of anticipation and release again. Eager to share it with Omet: open and unafraid.

…

I wish I had the words to describe the senses still crashing over me. Funny how I can sit here, curled up in a corner of the guildhall, and imagine the soft touch of Najme’s hand. Or, my ear hears phantom sounds of Laron’s growl. I can still conjure up the hot, wet touch of her mouth… But, the true sense of these “moments in time” I cannot put into words. Perhaps that is best… perhaps it is only in our hearts and minds that such moments stay honest.



Finally: I think I’ve found a jewelcrafter that can create the charm I’m looking for.

((I can hardly tell you how hard it was to not write here for an entire week!))

[Sifar]

I find it interesting that the key components for this pregnancy ward is truesilver and a bit of maiden’s anguish. Seems appropriate in some interesting way.

Light is a sweet lass, used to be me LT in the Regiment. I hadn’t talked to her in ages but a random person in the auction house pointed me in her direction for services. She’s doing well, living the quiet life around Shattrath these days.

Hopefully it won’t take her long to complete it!

[Sifar]

I don't have the charm yet, but He has a free afternoon. Hopefully, we'll get to spend it at his "hunting lodge" in the hills. Really, it's nothing more than a simple cottage nestled among the trees, but it's quiet and it's all his.

I'm looking forward to it...to trying new things with my dear lad. I cannae hardly think o' it all. So many ideas pulse through my head: images, sensations, smells, sounds. I want to try it all. I want to experience it all for my self, again and again...with him. So many things in this world are passing and temporary. Is there any chance this won't be?

I hope to write more later...if I have the energy!

[Sifar]

I think I surprised him. I know I surprised myself.

I've realized that once I remove the barriers to the possibility of something happening, then so much can happen. Where once I did not, could not entertain the thought of being intimate with anyone, now I have opened myself to three wonderful people. I feel very awake now, even after a very restless night. Well, awake my not be the word...perhaps "alive" is more accurate.

We spent a lovely afternoon together...much longer than intended. I am so ready to be with him. I want to experience everything he has to offer, but we wait. Wait until the charm is ready (just in case). But, even without that, we find much to do.



-* the writing on this page is coded much as previous ones *-

-* if you persist in your reading, you should be able to tease out the meaning here (http://wow-tng.org/showthread.php?p=114136#post114136) *-

[Sifar]

Looking back over the last several entries here, it would seem I'm obsessed. I'm not really. I spend most of my day out running errands, exercising, or providing services as needed. I stay busy doing the things we all do. But here...on these pages...I get to think about myself. Here I pause to think about Him and Us and of what might be.

I like having this book. I like looking back on what I was thinking a week or a month ago. I like recording what might be and figuring out how to make it happen. It's changed me. I wonder...

But, back to the present. Light Ale says she'll have the charm for me tomorrow. With any luck, He'll be free and we can... well, we just can.

For the record: yes, I do have a huge smile plastered to my face when I think about what I hope to do!

[Sifar]

She finished it!

Oh, I could kiss her, sweet lass. O’course she gave me a lecture along with the charm. That’s one thing I always loved about the lasses of Mithril Shield: good chance they could remove yer arm in a bar fight but more likely bandage you up when it was done. With any luck, Omet will have time away from his duties and we can visit his “hunting lodge” in the hills again.

[Sifar]

Interesting thing happened today. I was out prowling around Stormwind, just poking my head in shops and waving to folks I know. Really, much as I've often done around the Forge, but I wanted to try a new city.

Anyway, I wound up at The White Rabbit. It's the only place that serves decent dwarven ale and I was secretly hoping to find Omet there. However, instead of finding his crazy dark head propped on a table, I found an old friend. I'll admit I didn't recognize her at first. It was the metal clasped braids in her blond hair that caught my eye. Exactly how Angawen came to be here, head down in a drunken stupor I'll never know. But, I couldn't leave her like that. So, I paid her tab, took her upstairs, and left her in a clean bed.

I've seen plenty of folks follow this route and I know there's little to do for them. I hope she's able to find some peace, but I'll check in from time to time to make sure she's not left completely in the cold.

[Sifar]

I'm so glad I remembered to bring this journal with me this time. Omet is still sleeping inside, but I'm enjoying the crisp breeze out here. Maybe it is the colder air, maybe it is how I'm feeling this morning, but the land is beautiful.

I've been with him since late yesterday afternoon. He took some time to introduce me to the key people in the marshlands west of Hellfire. The landscape there still amazes me. It's so...alien. But the land is not what I wanted to explore. I wanted him.

O'course, it didn't take long to convince him that there might be better things to do with our time. Returning home, we agreed to meet at his cabin and finally have some time together. I miss him on our days apart, but know that I cannae keep him all to myself. ... We'd never get anything done.

Ah, but yesterday...last night was special. Today all I can do is smile. I never really imagined...

Let me see if I can make sense of any of my jumbled thoughts...



-* there is much more written on the page but it is coded as previous entries are *-

-* if you persist in your reading, you should be able to tease out the meaning here (http://wow-tng.org/showthread.php?p=115291#post115291) *-

[Solenev]

((I love how down-to-earth and how sweet she is. Such a breath of fresh air from all the crazy drama. Thank you.))

[Sifar]

(( Thanks, Solenev, and everyone else who is interested in this simple dwarven lass. You all do make continuing her story even more fun! ))

It's a new day and I'm still smiling. (Well, also a wee bit sore, but that will pass.) I don't really feel any different. Perhaps I'd say I am more content today than I was before. But, it's not specifically because of Him. Not to say that He isn't great and understanding of my needs, but I realize it isn't about him.

What I'm most content with, is myself. I had a fear and I faced it. I overcame it. I don't have a part of me hidden away anymore. This is good. Pure and simple, it is good. I'm also happy that I am able to share this side with new friends. A part of me, I think, was worried I would never find such friends outside my close circle of dwarves.


Blah, blah, blah. I'd almost think I'm turning into some sort of philosopher here. While all this might smooth my rough edges a bit, I don' have any interest in spending my days wandering Stormwind pining away for me Lad. Nope, still have work to be done and other obstacles to overcome.

Oh aye...and the nuts of All Hallows are out in force...

[Sifar]

Nothing much to report today.



Oh. I hate the giant wasps that seem to plague the Zangermarsh area. If they all suddenly curled up their nasty buzzing wings and died...I would be a happy dwarf.

[Sifar]

I think it is funny how some people manage to pick up nicknames and others don’t. I’ve always been Sifar…just Sifar. (Until recently... Laron's taken to calling me Sif on ocassion.) There isn’t a whole lot to work with, unlike Varrathus who became Varry or Angawen being Angie to their friends. Then there are the nicknames for what a person does or is like. Like the pink-haired gnome everyone calls PInky or the druid who goes by Claw. It’s funny, in a way, that Omet is often called Darkale or Dark by the few friends I've met. Funny or telling, it’s hard to say the difference as I’ve known him to indulge in the stuff on more than one occasion. He also has a wild shock of dark hair…so that could be it.

I prefer to call him Omet, though.

I'm trying to think of a gift to get for him, something along the lines of the outfit he got me several weeks ago. Other than a barrel of some interesting brew, I'm not sure what would bring the biggest smile to his face.

[Malorii]

(( if i was alliance sifar i'd try to be your best friend :D )

[Sifar]

(( Hmm, Malorii as Sifar's best friend...hmm... *smirks at the evil thought of it* Heh - she can use all the friends she can get. And, I still love your avatar choice ))

I'm tired, so this may not make a lick o' sense by the time I'm done.

Spent some time with Omet this morn. He continues to delight me each time we meet. Wish I could see him more, but perhaps it is our time apart that makes our time together all the brighter. I find myself fingering my new charm whenever my hands are idle. I think it reminds me of that first time. Well, also of the second. More to come?!

My afternoon though, was thrown for a loop. By some bizarre twist of the nether, I met a young hunter, Latiyana, in Auberdine. She'd once applied to Haven but has since found a home with the Rooks. Regardless... she was crying on the pier with the devasted remains of the town smoldering behind her. Apparently The Grim had rolled through there and on to the Exodar. For reasons unknown, Latiyana was spared. She had a hard time grappling with this and wants to find a way to talk with them more directly.

I think her time as a diplomat from the Exodar to Darnassus has warped her view of what may be possible, but I've agreed to help. I need a fresh mind before I can put the proper words together but I'll send a note to Vilmah in the morning. Not sure what good will come of it. I understand the lass's desire for answers, though.

There was a time I hunted for the same.

[Sifar]

I had the most interesting time with Him the other day.

It began when I was lazily tracing the muscles of his arm, then his shoulder, then his back, and on and on. I loved seeing and feeling how his muscles worked together to make each limb move. I could practically see how each was attached to the bones within. While he would chuckle when I found a ticklish spot, he just let me explore every inch of him. I think it's funny how his heavily calloused feet are still so sensitive. He has a lovely bum, from any angle. Years of holding a rifle have left his shoulders in muscular knots all bent toward that regular stance. I lingered over some places but did not skip any.

We probably lounged like that for an hour...me just getting to know every part of him. He makes me feel wanted, even needed, and I ... I love him for that.

[Sifar]

I hope to hear some response from Sanctuary in the next day or so. I promised Latiyana that we'd speak within a week regarding any progress. I've considered sending a note directly to The Grim, but without a proper introduction I believe it would simply be dismissed or used for violent action.

In other news, Omet made me a few pieces of armor in the Draenic style. They don't fit yet and he needs more leather to complete the set. I still haven't found him a proper gift but have been keeping his stomach well provided for. I've also heard there is a special pet snack available somewhere in the marsh...perhaps Cat would like something too.

I need to spend more time in the lab. Then again, my supplies are running low so, I don't know what good lab time would serve. I think I'll take Gertie out for an herb collection run.

[Sifar]

He's off for a big game hunt in Nagrand, so I don't expect to see him for several days.

My herb hunt was unsuccessful. Anywhere that looked promising held only recently snipped stalks or a few leaves of the herbs I need. I need to expand my search range, but I'm bumping into nastier and nastier creatures as I do so.

I did hear back from Vilmah. So, at least some progress may be made for Latiyana. Hopefully she'll be able to come back with a name or two I can pass on.

I see Thaena less and less these days. However, she did grant me authority to speak with new applicants. Not that it much matters. I realize that Haven is more of an ideal to me than any institution could be.

[Tindary]

((After reading the first few entries a while back, I completely forgot about this journal. I caught up tonight and am totally captivated. I miss my Regiment people!))

[Sifar]

(( Thanks, Tindary! I miss you an Koenig, too. Although I now have a creepy sense that my mom has read my diary... ;) Plenty more fun to come. ))

Seems it's for the best that Omet is off hunting this week. It's that time once again and I'm grumpier than usual. I try to not let it get to me - hate that a simple physical thing can change me so. I know it isn't the same as a broken bone or strain, but sometimes if feels the same. A part of me is working against me and it irks me to no end.

When it begins to seep into my head is when I know it's time to go to bed. I've heard a good mead (or bourbon) can help but my brain is addled enough already.



Wonder if Light could create a charm against this as well...

[Tindary]

((Mom? MOM?? *sigh* Ok, well, let's just leave it at this...all dwarves have umm...healthy appetites. It's just part of who we are! :-) ))

[Sifar]

(( No worries :) Sifar was just a "teen" when she joined the Regiment and looked up to most of the officers above her, like a second family. She's grown up a lot since then *smirk* but has a soft spot in her heart for all of you. Three cheers for healthy dwarven appetites! ))

My gut tells me something is wrong. Not even wrong, exactly, but off - out of phase with the rest of me. I don't often notice it, but the feeling is coming more often recently. I'll be standing at the mailbox and catch something out of the corner of my eye. Nothing is there when I look, of course, but I would swear something was just a moment ago. When I'm talking with someone I know, I sometimes catch an odd glimmer in their eye as if they know something I don't know - something about me.

Crazy, aye?

I don't like feeling paranoid. No, it isn't paranoid... just hyper sensitive about something that I cannot put my finger on. Doesn't scare me, it's not that kind of thing.

More like an itch I cannot scratch or a question that goes unanswered. I need to see about ensuring my questions are answered.

But, what if I don't know what the question is?

[Sifar]

I tried something new today. I tried seeing myself through another's eyes. Not literally - I'll leave that to a few crazy priests. But, I tried seeing myself as others see me. Overall, I'm not all that critical of myself. But, I believe, every person holds an image of their ideal selves and on ocassion finds themselves lacking.

I know I'm short in comparison to the vast majority of people. At just over 4 feet, I'm not all that impressive to behold. In fact, most people quite literally overlook me. But, for them to draw extra meaning from my stature is extraordinarily irritating. I've had some treat me as a child; pampering me or not taking me seriously. Young as I may be by dwarven standards, I still have seen more years and more of the world than most humans. To gloss over that experience because it comes in a small package is idiocy.

Others see my curvy figure and automatically try to strip me of any authority...seem to think I'm worried about getting my hands dirty. Nothing could be further from the truth. While lasses may be shunted to the side in some groups, dwarven women have alway fought by the lads' sides. We're built of the same earth and just as tough. We all hold a nurturing side, why should it be expected more in one than another?

I write all that to say: I appreciate those who see past the surface and the differences.

Funny, I don't know that I would have written this three months ago. I had surrounded myself with the larger dwarven clan and rarely sought help outside it. I was as guilty of judging others at first glance as those who irritate me now. It seems my bit of the mountain is starting to move.

Hmm, this entry wandered astray from where I started. But, for those that care to see past my surface, to my actions and self, I don't see myself lacking.

[Sifar]

I swore I saw Omet today, in Ironforge. I know he’s out in Nagrand, but it sure looked like his wild hair and usual armor. I wasn’t able to catch him to say ‘hello’ before he ducked into a portal and was gone. Or, I’m just seeing things. Cat wasn’t with the dwarf, so I could be mistaken.

______


Maybe it’s the Shattrath question that has my mind walking in circles. I still haven’t chosen a side. Ever since someone told me of a friendship destroyed, I’ve been reluctant to choose. I should talk with each of them again…try to understand more clearly what each side is trying to do out here. It seems like the place is filled with politics and factions all forced to get along by the imposed peace. It works for the most part, but intrigue still swirls about. On the other hand, perhaps I’ll just stay out of it a while longer.

[Sifar]

Today, I definitely saw him...all of him.

We went back to the hot springs today. It was my idea this time. I know I stopped his plans for our first visit and wanted to indulge a bit. It is a lovely secluded spot.

The contrast with last time was remarkable, for me. Unashamed, I joined him in disrobing and jumping in the pool. My “cold zone” was gone. As before, we lay back and relaxed with only our heads above the water. If anyone had peeked below the surface, they might have blushed.

I love his zeal for life, for all things. He even makes me feel more alive. Perhaps I've grown too dispassionate about things, relying instead upon duty and right rather than interest. He takes pleasure in the simplest things and sees adventure around every corner. I begin to see through his eyes.

[Sifar]

Something’s been nagging at me since earlier. As we were leaving, he responded to his stone saying he was just finishing a fitting with me. While he has made me much of the leather I now wear, that isn’t what we were doing.

Why would he say that?

[Sifar]

-* a series of letters are carved into a series of pages within the journal *-


B

. A

. . S

. . . T

. . . . A

. . . . . R

. . . . . . D



-* the journal itself, is virtually destroyed *-

[Lascivious]

*hands over spoon and Hagen Daaz*

[Ninorra]

((Noooo!!!))

[Acherontia]

((*peers at Lascivious* Are you crazy??? Haagen Dazs only comes in pints!!! *hands Sifar a gallon of ice cream*

I'll be right back with the booze.))

[Sifar]

(( I'll gratefully accept both the pint and the gallon, thank ye very much :) The booze I have saved up for special occasions...or emergencies, like this.

If you ladies keep this up, I'll need to form a guild named "A Grim" to honor you both.

Ninorra, all love is doomed, is it not?))

[Ninorra]

((I hope not!! *cry* This is horrible! But at least since Ninorra's pregnant, she and Sifar can eat crazy amounts of ice cream together!))

[Alana]

((Huh. Maybe I don't want to try a man after all.))

[Sifar]

-* scribbled in the corner of a still intact page *-


It would seem I need a new journal.

Once I can think straight again...



...without tears or rage blurring my eyes.

[Malorii]

(( D: oh noes... ))

[Sifar]

The saga continues here: An Old Friend (http://wow-tng.org/showthread.php?t=7573)