Quest

[Izrail]

I am not meeting enough people. Since my decision to be more careful about sexual partners I have only found one person worthy of my attention and this is annoying. How can I know for sure if I have not found anyone else yet? Or have I not found anyone else because there is no one else to find? I get bored with regular people. It has to be someone with actual power, not just social power. In Silvermoon City I did not even have to try to find men who were attracted to me. They practically fell into my lap. Why are there not more of them out in the real world? Or are they hiding somewhere? Have I become too independent as my own power grows? I hate asking myself questions endlessly, but Visant made me panic a little and I need to get this straightened out once and for all. Now I need a drink.

[Izrail]

I have spent a lot of time thinking about this subject. I meant to write it out but I have been busy and do not want to turn my journal into a book of typical childish anxiety. My conclusion is that, my reasons for declining Visant's request are looking less reasonable. Maybe I should stop looking for the perfect mate. I already know my judgement is terrible. How can I decide if someone is what I have been looking for or not? I have been mistaken before. I am mistaken a lot. The only way to know for sure is to try it out.

[Izrail]

Of course I might be too late.

[Izrail]

The handwriting in this section is sloppy and rushed.



Visant is not angry with me anymore but when he was I finally had a good fuck with someone else. A stranger but I have not felt like telling Visant yet. It was back in Silvermoon and it was okay. But I "came down" quickly afterward. I worry so much these days. I am going to write about Jianilde later. These disappearances are disturbing. I hope I spelled that right. I do not want to rewrite this page. I returned to my normal way of thinking quickly afterward, and it was not this handsome stranger's fault. I just cannot keep the switch on.

I asked him what he thought about Outland and he said he could not wait until the foolhearty adventurers civilzed and tamed it and then he would go through the portal. It was dark in the room but something must have told him I did not like that answer because he scolded me and told me to go to sleep.

People are so lazy. It is irritating.

[Izrail]

Never mind that I have a lot on my mind. I am trying to get to Outland, and trying to make sure I do not screw up our plans for his uncle, and worried about my friend. (I do not know how to even begin thinking about how to help her.) He wants to talk about our relationship. If I tell him he has bad timing I am worried what will happen.

I am not doing well in any of my personal quests. I am not making money anymore, either. The quests I am getting hired for need to be completed with a group of others. I can never find a group. None of my goals are being reached any time soon. How can I think about this right now?

I know my last entry has errors in it and I promised I would rewrite such things but I do not care right now. Just one more thing to add to the list of things I said I would do that I have not done. I ask how I can think about this right now but the more the night wears on the less I think about all those other things which should be more important. Do not most people have a friend they can tell anything to and get advice from? At least that is the impression I get from those who seem to have a normal life. I hate people. I think I am jealous. I have never been jealous before, have I? This is so irritating. I am going to have bad dreams tonight. I can tell already. I cannot think of anyone I could ask for help without inconveniencing them. Some priests let you confess everything to them and they do not tell on you, but I hate priests. I really do need to stop complaining and get something useful done.

[Izrail]

Fine. I will write about it.

A long time ago I assumed love was something you shared with one person. I tried this kind of love three times. It ends badly. I was stupid for assuming everything was the way it was supposed to be. It is not as if anyone told me otherwise though. I have had to learn the hard way, the hardest way. Nothing was more freeing than the first person to tell me I did not have to live like that. So I guess I did not learn. I was taught. But ever since I decided to make something useful of myself I have gotten more and more stressed. If I am such a terrible decision maker I should stop making decisions. I hate having to decide. Some people like having control. Most people do I think. I hate it. Trying to be assertive and confident has been a pointless excercize. I do not think I spelled that right.

[Izrail]

I have been avoiding that Naaru in the center of the shattrath portal room for so long. It looked suspicious. I just spent half or a quarter hour sitting on the edge of the platform it floats over soaking up its light and music. It has really beautiful music. It was frightening. But during that time I felt and thought so many things while at the same time I was just observing someone who was thinking and feeling those things. Like he was not me. Is this why priests embrace the Light? I did not know it could feel like that. Mezzthak looked uncomfortable. But the Naaru did not mind that he was there. Is there something wrong with me if I want to go back and sit in that glow until it consumes me and makes everything right and good? What do I care what is right. I have an idea of what to say to Visant now though. I wonder if that creature had anything to do with it.

Why did I write "three" instead of "two"?

[Izrail]

This quest is over. I am Visant's and happy. Maybe I will write more later. I wonder what took me so long anyway.