The Siren

[Ninorra]

My dreams have always been a mixture of different things. Many times as a child, it was demons who spoke to me and kept me company. I was a very lonely girl, in my cage. Lord DiSantos didn't think that I needed friends.

However lately, I dreamt lovely dreams. I dreamt of Vicailde and I having our first child, holding him or her in our arms, becoming a family. I've wanted a family for so very long. My mother was a ridiculous woman, who sold me for a raised status. I never knew my father. I wanted to be a mother so much, and I wanted to see that joy in Vicailde's eyes. The prospect of becoming pregnant is what made our lovemaking even more special and beautiful.

He can't have children. The mana injector makes it impossible.

My love is so angry and upset. He can't be rid of the device, or he will die sooner. Him keeping it means that we will remain childless.

I was so certain that it was my fault I wasn't becoming pregnant. I wanted to spare him the feelings of guilt, the horrible feelings I know he's going through right now. There is nothing I can do to calm him. He knows that I love him desperately, but I am so much younger than he is, and he will not be with me for many years.

I am afraid that he will not look at me the same. The boyish charm he had when we made love will be gone from him. I am afraid he will not want to see me, or even touch me. Even now, he has a difficult time looking me in the face.

[Ninorra]

I am finding myself changing daily. I've been having.. what's the term... mood swings? I am unaccustomed to feeling this way. I approached a stranger in the Undercity and acted.. odd. That's the only way I can describe it. I met with Tirdisar and felt strangely compelled to touch him. I don't know what's happening to me, but I suspect it's the souls I've been absorbing.

I am worried that I should not be doing this any longer. My desire to kill is increasing. I never considered murder a source of enjoyment, but lately I've been killing without end.. and I find myself smiling..

I have to stop. This is getting out of hand, but.. how will I sustain myself?

[Ninorra]

Vicailde and I have come to an understanding. Last night, I was severely weakened. I've never felt that weak, before. I had only stopped draining soul shards for a day, and it felt as if my life were slipping away. When I returned home, I craved mana so much that I actually let myself drain from Vicailde. It was so intense.. the feeling of his very essense flowing into me, like a torrent of power. I felt I could do anything. My body burned with it, and I singed the bed sheets.

He managed to free himself from my grasp, and healed the wounds I inflicted. I have promised to allow myself to drain mana from him, from now on. I still feel guilty.. but it makes him so very happy. I also gave him the dates in which it would be more likely for us to concieve a child. This seems to bring him some hope that there might be a slim chance we can still have a family.

[Ninorra]

Tonight is the first night on my calander for the days in which I will be most fertile. For the next three days, Vicailde and I will be trying extra hard to become pregnant, considering how small our chances are. I must say, the idea excites me beyond belief. My husband is already so very eloquent and firm in our lovemaking, the short time frame might encourage him to be even moreso. I admit to being rather fond of how firm he is, with me. Oftentimes he is refered to as "Master Bloodstone", and how it thrills me to refer to him as such.

I suppose it is because I am used to having a master. I was submissive as a caged musical slave, but I longed for contact. Now that I have it, and from such a loving and desireable man, I can hardly contain the physical want I have for him. I believe he considers this advantageous, because Vicailde seems to enjoy mastering me immensely. We do not delve into such play very often, I believe because we both are afraid it might lose it's charm if done too often. However, when he gazes at me with those emerald eyes, fixated on my body as if it were his to command (and oh, how it is..) I can't resist.

It is insulting to be called a base creature, or to be treated as if I were less than someone, but only by others. When Vicailde does it, I rather enjoy it, because I know that despite the way I was born, he loves me. He adores me, and I worship him for that.

I await tonight with such eager anticipation. I wonder if he'll have those shackles he spoke of? Or the whip? My hand shakes as I write this. So many scenarios in my head, I am sure he will call me a naughty girl and punish me rightly. I do hope he will.

When he began using the energy transfusions to heighten the physical pleasure we felt, I was afraid. Using it for pleasing purposes instead of it's true intent, to keep me alive, feels sinful. However, as he has said, all it is is sharing our lives. Perhaps a bit more intimately than most. It is so wonderful, to feel his mana coursing through my veins as his hands caress my--

*scratch marks*

I really should be going. I have warlock training to attend to.

[Ninorra]

Today's page is left blank, save a small growing puddle of ink that drips from a pen on it's side.

[Ninorra]

The past three days have been amazing..

They began when Vicailde strapped me down to the bed, like some sort of prisoner. He did things I can not put to words, they were so increadible.. I still have the bruises as a reminder. The words he used made me tremble. Even now, as I remember him calling me his little slut, and bruising my skin with his hand or the riding crop, I find myself wanting more.

On the third day, he was tender. He loved me sweetly, and held me while we rested. Something insane happened with Kupmat.. he switched bodies with Vicailde. I'll have to punish him, but the poor thing has suffered much already. I never knew that Vic was in such constant pain, but he has agreed to allow Lovely to help him.

She says that she can grow him a new body. If that works.. it will truly be amazing..

[Ninorra]

Vicailde has a new body, now. It is youthful, handsome, wonderful.. but I must admit that it is a shock to see him so different. His left arm seems to be almost robotic. It is strange, but being given the chance for a lifetime with my love, it seems like a minor trade.

I haven't written in several days, because we can't help but want to test this new body. It truly is amazing.. I never imagined that I would be able to see him so young and excitable. He looks as if he were my age, but no boy is he. In his mind, he is still the dark and brooding man that I married, the mature and experienced blood knight who stole my heart.

[Lovely]

((Yay for robotic arms and happiness!))

[Ninorra]

(( Vicailde?

http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Realm/6198/X-Men/Cable1.jpg ))

[Lovely]

((Almost. But he's not quite as cool as Vic, and the eye glows the wrong color.

OH!! By the way, Vic's eyes should now glow blue, unless the mana thing that morphed into his arm keeps them green))

[Vicailde]

(( Yes, The Metal has kept it's characteristics of the Mana-Injector and I'm not sure yet if the mana actually affects Vic himself but as he mana taps the arm grow flesh but it's almost a faux flesh it's still metal and what not underneath. ))

[Ninorra]

I ran into Qabian, in the Undercity. His views on my skills were interesting, to say the least. One must be careful not to allow him to be insulting, because he truly is a narcissistic and self involved individual. I pity him for his lack of trust, and his disinterest in love, but he is intelligent when it comes to the arcane.

[Ninorra]

Qabian may be coming to dinner, tonight. He is so pompous, I actually made an effort to make the manor presentable to spare us from his condescending eye. Of course, if I was sure he'd only come to be insulting, I wouldn't have invited him. I actually find his serious nature to be somewhat amusing. I hope Vicailde will, as well.

[Ninorra]

It's happened, I can't believe it.. the doctor visited, because I was feeling ill. He says that I'm pregnant, and all at once I saw so much joy in Vicailde's face that I could hardly believe that was happening..

I'm going to be a mother.

It feels so surreal. I am very young, yes, and while I do not regret it in the least, it all feels like it's happened so fast.. but I am overjoyed. Sharing this with Vicailde is the most wonderful thing I could have ever asked for.

[Qabian]

((Told you, nananana~! :P))

[Ninorra]

((Whatever! You're not a doctor! XP...!! ))

[Qabian]

((Sure I am! I have a Ph.D. in "I'm way smarter than your husband. You should totally listen to everything I say." :D))

[Ninorra]

I find myself becoming addicted to this maddening pleasure that my husband provides. He allows me to call him my master, when we make love. I do not feel the urge to say it always, many times I call him my love, my darling, my Vic.. but other times I have the overwhelming urge to obey his every command. When he strikes me, I know that it is with love. His hands, the whip, the shackles, they all feel so good against my skin. Even when I bleed, it is with unending joy.

When I fight, I torture. My spells cause pain in others, and they die slowly. Their screams make me feel so blissful that I feel as if this must be what he hears, when he strikes me.. Of course, Vicailde would never kill me. He strikes me to encourage physical pleasure, and oh, how it does.

We may have to stop being as rough as usual, if only for the wellbeing of our unborn child. I have read that a shock can cause misscarriage, amongst other complications. I will be sure to be very careful, from now on.

Still.. I will miss his heavy hand, during these nine months. I await the birth of our first child with baited breath, when pain will lead to more pain, and all of it delightfully caused by my darling husband.

[Ninorra]

I am saddened beyond belief.

When I left my home to join the Horde and begin my warlock training, I was very lonely. I went to an innin Tirisfal, hoping to sing or play for the patrons. I made a few friends, but the first of them was Tirralys. He was haughty and vain, much like Qabian. In fact, the two could be twins.. but I will admit that there was a deep attraction I felt for Tirralys. I was infatuated with him, and quite diswraught that a man of his standing would allow a thing like an arranged marriage to keep us apart.

I know that he did not love me, but I know that if he had been given the opportunity, he might have. That is what infuriated me. I later learned that the wedding was postponed, and then that it might have been cancelled indefinately.

Last night I tried to speak to him. He said that he was not meant for this world.

I hope beyond measure that he will not take his own life. I am married now, and quite happily, but I still care for him as a friend. There is nothing in the world that I would not do for him, but I wonder if that is what caused this in the first place. I wonder if there are others who ever felt the same way.

[Ninorra]

- There is a smudge mark on one of her pages, which looks as if she had begun to write something, but abruptly stopped. -

[Ninorra]

Was it a nightmare? Was that really my mother that I saw? What awaits the Sin'dorei, when we live a life of sin and deceit? Is it so real? Are we to suffer for our beleifs?

I have a place waiting for me.

The demons did not want to hurt me. They only wanted someone to love them.

[Ninorra]

He and I have been apart for several days, now. It is rather like the last time he went away to assist the Horde, allowing me time to work on my studies. It is so very lonely, here. I have been travelling to and from Stranglethorn Vale, a place known for being both challenging and hostile. I must admit, being with Klathgrave helps to ease my fears. I know that I should be more careful while carrying a child, but I refuse to allow my power to diminish when I've seen what it's capable of.

[Ninorra]

I have a new goal in life.

I should like to grow in enough power to actively decimate as much of the Alliance as I possibly can. Their constant squabbles and attacks on my home have proved both dangerous and bothersom. I believe that is in the best interest in the Sin'dorei to do away with these traterous bags of useless meat.

In other news, my breasts have grown a considerable ammount. Pregnancy is having a strange effect on me. I find myself becoming hungry more often, and my moods seem to be rising and falling like a rubber ball.

Oh well. Vicailde seems to enjoy the physical changes.

[Ninorra]

I have been away for at least a day. Vicailde returning home has taken a considerable ammount of time from everything else, although I doubt I will be complaining about that anytime soon. The man is as lust driven towards me as I am him.

In other news, I saw Qabian nude. He has an interesting freckle.

[Ninorra]

Inconsequential.

That's what I was called.

Inconsequential. Of no importance. Not remembered.

I refuse to be any of these things. I will not be some nameless Sin'dorei who simply lives and dies. When I was kept by my master, I was called unimportant by many people. I will not allow that to continue, and hell take anyone who tries to stop me.

[Ninorra]

Apparently, the "red baron" has been murdured. I don't believe I ever met him, but if I did, it must have been briefly. This brings back memories of when my own master died, and I was labeled the murderer. I pray that his family will have the strength to get through this horrible event, especially miss Lovely.

In other news, I've given Niam permission to live with us.

Is it foolhearty to expect my husband's second wife to be able to live peacefully, with us? She did try to kill me, and it's obvious that she wants him back.. but I hope she will want to see him happy, more then that. She knows I'm pregnant. I hope I don't regret this decision. I only want to help her.

[Ninorra]

This power coarsing through me feel so right. There are times when I find myself in a sort of transe, as I am out in the world, destroying creatures for money or reputation or experience or what have you.

Take Stranglethorn Vale.

Out in the Vale, I am asked to kill trolls. I do not mind so much. They are apparently bloodthirsty creatures that have kidnapped our allied troll's family, or something of that nature. Anyway.. the moment I cast a curse upon one, he makes this gutteral growl. Like saying "Yo!", and throws spears at me. It would almost be entertaining, if it wasn't so barbaric. I send Klathgrave in as a distraction, and for the most part all is well.. but then I drain the life from them.

Trolls are short lived creatures, but their life has a destinct flavor. When I remove their soul, it's like a bright spark. Small, fast, but bright. I taste their life, and then when they die, I take a bit of their soul with me. Just a little.. just for the taste. The rest I'll use for summoning or some other such thing.

But that taste.. it's so good.

[Ninorra]

Stranglethorn Vale is a sickeningly humid as always, while I write this. Luckilly I was able to purchase a room for the night, after a day of killing animals. Sometimes I feel sorry for these slaughtered creatures.. if they were less intelligent, even moreso would I pity them, for having to die for nothing more than my own increase in experience and some fat dwarf's request.

Hemet Nesingwary is a filthy lunatic. He and his little friends can have their fun, I am growing sick of this "hunt" business.

Luckilly, I was able to hunt with Terek Nor. He is the friendly sort, and I do enjoy his company. His armor and stance reminds me of my own Vicailde, and how much I miss him when I'm away. I think of him often, and I'm lucky enough to know that he misses me as well. My poor darling.. fighting out there all alone. Although I know now that he is used to the solitude, I wonder if perhaps someday, we might be able to fight side by side. He seems so much more advanced in his skills than I am, and this growing life inside of me isn't helping things.

Except I do find myself becoming angrier easier, now.. and that does help me to kill things faster. I shall have to experement.

[Ninorra]

I find my stomach turning more easilly, nowadays.. some things disgust me that might not have before. For example, a human male flirting with me. Disrespectful, to say the least.. but I am made ill simply by the thought of him touching me. Their strange monkey-ish paws.. their face covered with excess hair.. it is positively repulsive.

In other news, I'll be studying some books in the library that have yet to have seen Sin'dorei eyes for over several hundred years. I am not supposed to discuss their contents with anyone, so this shall be my little secret.

Well, mine and Vicailde's, naturally..

[Ninorra]

He's gone he's gone and I don't know where. Tirdisar has dissapeared and he won't answer me. What am I to do? Nothing, probably.. he wants to be away from me, and rightfully so. I shouldn't be selfish. He's right to have left, isn't he? Perhaps he'll find someone else, and then this whole stupid problem will be done away with. It would be so much betterfor all of us if he did. I just wish I knew where he was, I wish I knew that he was safe..

It's as if anyone who gets close to me winds up needing to leave me. First Tirralys, now Tirdisar.. it makes me somewhat paranoid for Vicailde, but I know that he's far too stubborn to ever let fate tear him from me.

I miss singing with Tirdisar. How I wish we could go back to when we first met, and things were so much easier. It seems as if my happiness has cost others theirs, and that is so frustrating.

[Ninorra]

Still no word from Tirdisar. I've been told that it's more than likely he's dead, but I don't believe a word of it. He's a capable mage. He can survive on his own.

This morning, my leggings were tighter than usual around my waist. I realized that the baby is starting to make himself known more and more. I'm so sore in the morning, as if my hips were being pressed against one another. I can't imagine how my mother must have gone through this so many times.. but I'd rather not think about that.

I wish that I had someone to play music with. Tir, I miss your voice.

[Ninorra]

That bastard. That fool.

I can't look Tirdisar in the face. He actually told me that the baby might be his. How dare he! I never slept with him, not once! There was one dream, one stupid dream, and he comes to me with this story about how we might have been linked through the Emeral Dream, how we might have actually.. and he actually had the nerve to tell me all this, and then did some sort of tests, and told me that the results looked positive?? How dare he! I would never betray Vicailde! That dream was a stupid mustake! The result of infatuation and exhaustion, but nothing more!

Yes, a mistake! Yes, a stupid one! I'm married, and he has no right to make me feel this way. Now he's making me paranoid and frightened, and gods, I can't even look at Vicailde the same way.. what am I going to do? It's not true, it absolutely can't be.. I never slept with him.. it was all a dream, and dreams are not real.

Stupid man. Stupid stubborn man. If only he really did think of me the way he said he did, before.

[Ninorra]

Murder for vengeance, murder for justice, murder because it's my job.. it's all so very tedious. What difference does it make why I'm out there, I still kill unmercifully, I still return with bloodstone amulets because some troll told me to. Because they're being used to summon demons, and really, what's wrong with that? I summon demons daily. It all smacks of hypocricy, and the amulets are actually very pretty..

I suppose I'm frustrated. Over what Tirdisar said, mostly. Planting the seed of doubt into my mind over wether or not this is Vicailde's child is making me increasingly irritable. I want to go home and be with my husband, but I'm almost afraid to. I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing, or looking at him the wrong way.. and yet I know in my heart that I neer betrayed him. I know that I never let Tirdisar touch me in that way, and yet one stupid dream..

I had that dream when Vicailde still dreamt of his first wife. He had nightmares concerning her murder. So while he dreamt of another woman, the first love he ever had, my mind wandered towards Tirdisar. It feels so horrible a crime, to have ever had that thought lodged anywhere in my mind. Despite his faults, I loved Vicailde. I adored him. Why should any part of Tirdisar have been in my dreams? How dare I look at Vicailde now, and expect anything but contempt?

I feel so weak. I've become so dependant on him loving me, that I honestly don't know what I'd do if he didn't.

[Ninorra]

I can feel my power increasing. It's wonderful. It is my distraction, when worrying over other ridiculous things. I feel like destroying someone. I feel like burning him. It's a horrible feeling. Why did he have to make me feel this way?

I've felt the calling of a new demon who wants me to release him. I am not ready, but perhaps soon..

[Ninorra]

I am so. Bloody. Frustrated.

I have been out in Arathi, Stranglethorn Vale, and gods only know where else just to escape from the inevitable. I hate being away for so long. I am desperate for home and the embrace of my husband. Tirdisar's voice lingers in my mind, allong with that dream and the eyes of the white haired man, and the boatman. What could that possibly mean? I am sick to death of being alone like this. Lonley nights are giving way to angry days, and killing is coming much more easilly than it should. My demons are noticing a change in me, and they act accordingly. Only Helnia seems to want to stay my hand. I suppose love has given the succubus a conscience.

What I wouldn't give to see him, to kiss him and hold him.. my work is for nothing if I can't have what I really want.

[Ninorra]

I spent last night in the Scarlet Monestary, with Qabian.

Beforehand, I'd been in Silvermoon. I had much to restock, due to my new adventures in Azeroth. I needed food and water, trifles really. These things I purchased easilly, but I overheard several servants talking. Wouldn't you know? They were Qabian's. Apparently, he had a woman over and wanted her to sing.

It doesn't take a genius to recognize the sexual undertones. He wanted what she wouldn't give him. I thought it quite amusing, really. Whereas she would gladly whore herself to a man that would give her nothing in return, I would gladly sing for him. Of course he's the type to want both, and he should know that the risk in becoming physically involved with someone that you don't know is that the person just might not be willing to succumb to everything you like.

I suppose that is why I enjoy Vicailde so. We love eachother, so there is little we wouldn't do to please oneanother. Qabian still doesn't understand. He calls me a little girl. I suppose I am.

Although some of his words have merit, I suppose.. I am terribly lonely, and not just for company. I want Vicailde back. I want him so desperately that I'm taking out my frustrations on the trolls here, and the humans of the Scarlet Crusade. They scream so delightfully that it does ease some of my frustrations, but still.. I can't help but wonder just how--

[Ninorra]

I am a very silly little girl.

Vicailde was not angry with me. I think he was rather hurt that I was afraid to come to him, but he understands why. His jealousy can be a frightening thing.

I am home now, and pleased to say that nothing has changed. Vicailde was as desperate to see me as I was to see him. The scars have healed beautifully. He is even more attractive, I think, when he is flawed.

[Ninorra]

I never imagined that he would show me what he did. Vicailde is a peculiar man. If he weren't such a faithful Blood Knight, I'd mistake him for a mad scientist. He has a certain expressive look in his eyes, whenever something goes his way. It is both insane and attractive. His accomplished laugh is seductive. It only adds the the horrifyingly titillating things that he does.

Oh my darling, you have proven yourself to be far more than this simple little girl bargained for. You are so much older and more experienced, am I not a child in your hands? I think you like that. I think that it excites you, when you do something such demoralizing things to me, because you know that it is my first time. Everything you do comes as a surprise. My singing isn't your only music, you love my screaming, you love my taste, and when you cut my skin my blood is not far from your lips.

It is a good thing that I love you so. I doubt that there is a man alive who could satisfy me the way that you do.

[Ninorra]

"Dark ritual".

These words are curious. Perhaps that is exactly what we did. It certainly seemed like one..

The altar, the runes, the blood, everything carried within it the air of some deep mysticism that I am unfortunately not educated in. Yet. The books there.. the books.. they're amazing. Nobody but a blood born Bloodstone has seen them but me. I am proud to assist in this lineage. I really had no idea that such knowledge was within my grasp, and yet here I stand with proof of the darkest teachings I have ever seen, and what did we do with it?

We used it for our own amusement.

Does my love have something planned? I wonder sometimes, if all his planning and work is as simple as it seems. Any outsider would be suspicious as to what we were doing, and had I not been out of my mind with the influence of the rune he drew on me, I am sure I would have been to. Can one truly take these things at face value? Is there more to what we did? Perhaps there is, perhaps there isn't.

I suppose I'll have to find out.

[Ninorra]

Oh, I'm a terribly wicked little girl. I don't even think I can properly put to words the things that I did, this morning.. they're almost too delightful to remember clearly, although that might just be a side effect of stretching my consciousness to it's limits.

In either case, I am off once again to the Scarlet Cathedral. My new demon begs me to release him, but still I can not. It will not be long, now. Soon he will be mine.

[Ninorra]

Well, Qabian has a way of making things interesting for Vicailde and I. He told me that my love said I "talked to much" and tried to change him.. well, knowing Qabian as the type to exaggerate to get under my skin, I decided to tease Vicailde a bit, pretending to be angry with him for saying such things.

Of course the poor dear was flustered, but when he learned that I was teasing him, he teased me himself. As he said, a tighter grip around my neck can do wonders for a naughty girl like me.. hah!

My training is going smoothly, and I'm finally starting to get where I need to be. My work in Stranglethorn Vale is coming to an end, so I think I shall pay Booty Bay one last visit before leaving this swealtering heat.

[Ninorra]

What a busy few days I have had!

First of all, my journal fell into the hands of a delightful dwarf named Sifar. We switched out journals accidentally, and I can honestly say that I was pleasantly surprised by all of the things we have in common. I believe that I have made a wonderful new friend, and I must say, I am thankful that she is just that; a friend. A real one. Someone that I don't have to worry about nagging me, or trying to convince me to do something I know I will not do.

Last night, I ventured into Zul'Farrak with Baron Ran'Deau. That was.. interesting, to say the last. He could not look me in the eye. At first I thought that it might be because of my red eyes, and I was a bit angry with him. Then I realized that it must have been the rune on his neck. I wonder who must have placed it there? I offered my assistance, but I do not know if he will accept it. Having been studying the books in the laboritory, I've become well acquainted with various runes, especially blood based ones. It would be a shame if he didn't allow me to assist, but then again, I am barely more than a stranger.

He called me a Muse. He said that I inspired. That was.. kind of him.

[Ninorra]

You wouldn't believe what I did.. but then I am referring to my journal as a person, and that is just silly.

After discovering my newfound friendship with Sifar, I decided that I should make public my stance. I joined Sanctuary, my husband's guild, so that I might use my skills to strengthen our people and protect those I care for. An ongoing conflict will do nothing for our society but further degrade it, and anyone who can't see that is shortsighted. I understand that my decision will anger a few, if not alienate me from people. Qabian, especially.

I don't care. His, and the opinions of me from other people, are not my concern. I have no regrets in choosing this path. In fact, I was so inspired by my decision, that I worked hard enough to gather my skills and was finally able to answer the call of my felsteed.

His name is Calamitous, and he is the most beautiful creation I have ever laid eyes on.

There are a few other things that happened, but they are best not written. Personal, you understand. Lets just say that it's something for Vicailde's eyes only.

[Ninorra]

There was a small gathering last night, in Booty Bay. At first I came inside just to escape from the humidity of that damned jungle, but then I met a kindly young Blood Knight. The poor thing spoke no Orcish, but we introduced eachother. Soon after, Szordrin appeared, and after that, Vicailde.

He was dressed so.. rogueishly. Apparently a little bird told him that I was there. He wore his black suit, and a black hat that gave him a dark shadow over his eyes. The suit fits him a bit more tightly nowadays, after he regained all of his former strength. I could see it stressed at his biceps, his chest, and his hips.. it was all I could do not to grab him by the collar and drag him upstairs. I think he saw this and suggested that we mingle.

Imagine, my Vicailde, telling me to be social!

I met another blood knight, named Leoren. He was with a young woman named Malorii.

Something about this Malorii.. but I will get to that later.

Szordrin asked me if he could hear me sing, so that he might gauge my range for his symphony. I sang to his violin, the Sunrise in Summer. Just a little happy tune, for the atmosphere. I went upstairs eventually, and saw Baron RanDeau. His rune is more complicated than I thought. I offered my services, but this Malorii seemed to want me gone. I quickly made myself scarce, and shortly later heard her singing. Her range is different from mine.. very gentle. Untrained, but naturally skillful.

I overheard Vicailde at the bar, noting the wide assortment of drinks. I completely forgot how hard it must have been for him, to be there. He left soon after, and I caught up with him outside after meeting another member of Sanctuary named Faeron.

Vicailde asked to show me something, and produced his new armor from the bank. All of that red and black looked.. terribly.. inviting. I don't know what it is about him when he puts on all of that metal, but I feel a longing that is both distracting and almost.. hypnotic.

My addiction aside, it was a lovely evening. I am glad that I was able to meet so many people on less business oriented grounds. I wonder how Sifar is doing? I am curious about her beau.

[Ninorra]

Home.

I've done something horrible.

The deaths of hundreds are on my hands. One of them a baby. All because of a demon that found it's way inside of me. I am ashamed and disgusted with myself. Qabian hates me, but that was inevitable. Vicailde.. he understands, and he does not hate me, but I wonder if he can ever bring himself to love me after what I did.

I was so diswraught that I wandered about Thunderbluff. I met someone there, a tauren named Mohan. At first he was unkind, but the more we spoke, the more friendly he became. He was a welcome distration to the horrors of my deeds. I still can not believe what I allowed myself to become. Was it really the demon that made me kill those people? Or is that what I really am?

[Ninorra]

Guilt, anger, regret, I feel like I need to kill something to vent my frustrations from killing too much! I feel like I'm full to bursting with fire..

Lord Therium has taught me to channel his hell to cast a new spell. It causes people to run in fear as they suffer physically. He told me to use his hell, because if I used my own it would make me vulnerable. Someone could discover my weakness and use it against me. His hell, I know nothing of.. but he says that it should stay that way, and I trust him.

My hands feel so itchy and pinpricky.

[Sifar]

(( Wishes she could give Ninorra a solid hug! ))

[Ninorra]

Oh, my spells and my creations.. soon I am going to set you free.

Knowledge is power and it is leading me to things I am unafraid to learn. What fool would turn away such information? It's captivating and disturbing all at the same time. I fell lightheaded and airy when I think of all that I could do.. I could bring peace to the world by destroying what must be destroyed. I could help to rebuild our broken society into something more beautiful than it ever was. So many things I could do, so many of our people I could help. I am excited and I anticipate the strength I will gain.

As for Qabian, I find that living in fear of what he may or may not do is not acceptable. I shall have to kill him instead.

That may take a while, but I am anything but impatient.

[Ninorra]

A heartbeat so frail, and so beautiful. Vicailde pressing his ear against my abdomen to listen, his green eyes wet with happy tears, his white hair tussled against my skin. He's afraid and joyous at the same time, of history repeating itself, and I'm sure of being a father in general.

[Ninorra]

Anthek, the druid, said that my child seemed to be growing faster than usual. Of course he knows nothing of Sin'dorei gestation, so how in the world would he know what "faster" is? Still, it worried me a bit. With my mixed blood, I'm not sure how long I'll be pregnant, and I've been making sure to get regular checkups so that I know he's growing strong and healthy. Perhaps I'm being paranoid.. he said I looked as if I'd been pregnant for at least three months.. hasn't it been two?

I have to see Tirdisar.

[Ninorra]

Am I not enough?

I gave him my life, my love, my everlasting devotion. We joined and created a child, a child I still carry. He told me that I was all he needed, and I believed him.. so wy, Vicailde? Why are you sitting there, holding me tighter than you should, with glassy eyes and bitter breath? You kissed me like a fool, you groped me like someone on the street, and your slurred words did your usually handsome voice no justice..

I've never before felt so cheap.

[Ninorra]

Too much has happened for me to accurately write it all.

I'll begin with Vicailde. My love is still feeling weak, the effects, apparently, of a mixture of alcohol and drugs that his ex wife gave him. I was so angry that I left her in Tanaris, because I was afraid that I would otherwise have incinerated her. I was luckily, too distracted by what's happening with Tirdisar to have been uncontrollable..

Ever since we met, I've asked myself why it is Tir and I seem drawn to eachother. I care for him but I love Vicailde and so it's unacceptable for me to act on anything more than friendship. Yet now, I think to the future, and how I know what's in store for me when my mortal shell fails me. When I die, I know what's going to happen, and I know that Vicailde can't follow. I know that my child won't be there. I'm happy, in that respect.. it's not the sort of fate I wish anyone.

But Tir has sworn his afterlife to me, and against my wishes, he won't leave me. Tirdisar, my friend, will never stop caring for me. Even if all of his suffering is my fault.

[Ninorra]

There are so many people I'd like to kill, right now...

I find my temper is getting the better of me. To reiterate what has recently happened, I shall go in chronological order.

First was the business with Tirdisar. He is still addicted to me, and doesn't trust anyone else to take his source of power from. I do not mind giving it to him, as he does not take too much. Then there was the party in Silvermoon.. and what a bloody disaster that was. From Infection confronting Zenofova, to three Sin'dorei from the Grim seemingly picking on Alanathalasa, I was beside myself with headaches. I did get to see Mohan, though. He is such a kind example of what the Grim should have more of...

Then last night, Niam nearly made me kill her. She actually reanimated Vicailde's old body. Can you imagine!? She was bloody well kissing his corpse! I set her on fire, and would have drained her soul had Vicailde not asked me to be merciful. Mercy! After I brought her into our home, brefriended her, did everything I could, and she does this? And I am expected to be merciful?? Damn it all, but I want her dead.

Luckily, some good came of this week. I met another warlock named Izrail, who I will be administering piano lessons to. I'm very excited, I've never taught before.

[Ninorra]

"I never want to see you look like that again, unless you're defending someone."

I tried not to get to angry. He didn't like the way I looked when I was about to kill Niam? How could I not be angry, when she reanimated his bloody corpse? I'm still irritated with his decision, to allow her to keep it. I'm trying to keep my temper under control. After all, it is a compromise. A stupid annoying compromise. If I didn't love him so, I'd never agree to it.. but damn it all, that man has my heart and soul.

Lord Therium's next meeting is, apparently, going to be a bit more extravagantly planned. I'm looking forward to seeing so many warlocks gathered together again. It was very educational to note the diversity of us all.

[Ninorra]

I'm beginning to detest my people.

Moreso.

It seems like every single Sin'dorei I meet is the exact same formula.

Sin'dorei woman: take one part radiant beauty, one part sordid past, and one part underlying evil. Put them all together and you have nearly every single female Sin'dorei I have ever met. They're gentle, slender, lovely, with looks that could kill, and all of them somehow twistingly evil. There's nothing remotely interesting in this, because they all have the same attitude. An air of superiority, a touch of grace, et cetera.

Sin'dorei men: for those who are born in high society; all of them claim to have a hatred for their station. They're not like those "other men", yet they're as pompous and arrogant as can be. Those not born high seem infinitely more interesting. Take Kiannis for example. He is charming and friendly. While I love Vicailde, he is an example of his status. Whatever little sets them apart makes them that more interesting.

I suppose the more often I interact with the other races of the Horde, the more I am un impressed with our society. I don't see trolls or tauren striving to be "the fairest of the fair, with agonizingly beautiful eyes and windswept hair".. nor have I ever witnessed an orc to be "blazingly handsome, his mouth turned in a gentle smirk at all he sees".

And yes, I realize how much I resemble what I detest. I should like to change this as much as possible. Perhaps I shall have to be nicer. Come hell or high water, I will do it, just so that I don't look like the rest of us.

[Ninorra]

Tonight I sang for Baron RanDeau. I told him that I could make him feel whatever he wanted, and so he asked for my favorite song. I told him that it was a love song, which might make him feel a bit uncomfortable..

It wasn't the same song I sang for Tirdisar, but it was close. It was a love song born of Hell, spoken in a demonic language. The Baron seemed touched by it, and I discovered that I had inspired him many years before. I am very glad to have been of some help to someone.

He gave me a gift. An ornate key on a necklace. He says it is symbolic of my freedom, and I thanked him for it. He is sweet to have given me such a nice present, but I really didn't need more jewelry to remind me that I am free. I am reminded of my freedom every time I feel the little heartbeat I carry.

[Ninorra]

I felt him move, today. Such an energetic little boy.. I wonder how much grief he will cause his parents? I love him dearly, already.

Vicailde seems to be getting better. I hope he is well enough sooner than later. I need him so badly..

[Ninorra]

Working on a new spell. I surprised myself, with the amount I was able to do by myself. I'm becoming much less squeamish. After this summoning, I doubt childbirth will even frighten me.

[Ninorra]

Alright, so things have become very very strange. First, the important thing.

I will seek revenge on the man who wronged my Sifar. How dare he do that to her? How dare he hurt his wife that way? To think that there are men in this world capable of that type of cruelty.. I am not going to kill him. I am going to torment him slowly, so slowly that he'll beg me for death. That mouth of his that spoke lies to my poor Sifar, it will know pain when I slice his tongue in half and let it dangle in his teeth. Oh yes, there will be blood.

And as for other things.. I found out that Tirdisar had a relationship with my mother. For the love of all that is right in the world, how is that even possible?? I suppose I understand his attraction to me. If what he says is right then my mother and I might not have been so different.. but I will never be like her. I could never sell my child.

[Ninorra]

A brother. I have a brother.

His name is Tallius. He is older than me (obviously), and very handsome. He has dark brown hair, a bit lighter than my raven color, but we share the same skin and eyes. He seems very kind and gentlemanly. His father, amazingly enough, is Tirdisar.

I've never allowed myself to fall in love with Tirdisar completely. I am a married woman, and I refuse to let anything tear me from the love of my life. I will admit an attraction, however, that we have shared since we first met. Tidisar has always been kind and his affection for me is obvious. Now that I know that his son is my brother, I have very confused feelings. Isn't it strange, how these things happen?

After learning a bit about one another, I decided to help my brother along his path and set about finding him a suitable master. Jesmotguin seemed perfect. The undead have an uncanny affinity for our arts, as my own master Therium has proven. They seem to be well matched, and last night spoke of their training. I'm very excited to have a sibling that shares in my skills. I am certain we will learn a lot from one another.

[Ninorra]

So.. my mother is getting married.

To Tirdisar.

My head is spinning. I think I'm going to kill someone.

[Ninorra]

I feel much better, today. I visited Tallius in his study, which I must say is amazing. My brother is more intelligent than I could have ever hoped for. He is a fine warlock in training, and will soon grow in strength. I am excited to have another strong male role model for my son.

Sifar has also contacted me, regarding some business. I think I'll get started on that very soon...

[Ninorra]

There is much blood on my hands.

Not the thin blood that washes away when one reminds oneself that death was needed. Not the sticky kind that get caught between one's fingers because of innocent guilt. I had that type before.. but now it's the thick kind. The kind that you can still smell and feel, even when it's been wiped clean. I am not a warrior. I do not deal in flesh and blood. I burn people until there is nothing left, or I allow my former master, now a felguard, to hack at them with his mammoth axe while I curse them. I do not usually get blood on me, but that's the cowardice of my profession, isn't it? We stand back and let others do the dirty work for us.

I burn and tease. That is my profession. I suppose sometimes the blood just feels thicker than usual.

[Ninorra]

His name is Damian.

He is a beautiful boy. He has downy curls and sandy colored skin, just a bit lighter than my own. He briefly opened his eyes today, and I saw that they were red. Just like mine. He was born as if only a month early, but the doctor told me it was likely due to my mixed heritage that he developed a bit faster than usual. Still, he is weak and does not eat like he should. I believe that the bits of mana I transfer to him is helping him to grow stronger. He cries a bit more often, now.

Vicailde is beside himself with joy. I don't think I've ever seen a happier man. My abdomen still hurts quite a bit from the incision. I am not certain whether I will ever fully recover from the placental abruption that caused Damian's early birth. I've been told that it might have damaged me beyond repair. I am worried if this is true. I was hoping to give Vicailde more children.

Still, now is not a time to worry about such things. I am overwhelmed with joy at the sight of my beautiful little Damian. I wonder just what sort of future he might have.

[Ninorra]

The days have become longer now that I understand what it means to be a mother.

Damian is a wonderful boy. He doesn't cry often, but I think it may be because he is not ready to. Still so very small, people must be careful when holding him. He does not eat much, and for the first few days I was worried that he was not eating enough. Luckily he has proven to be quite healthy, if not still rather frail. I have no complaints. He is a baby, he will grow out of this phase and become just as strong as his father. Of this I am certain.

My brother, Tallius, has been on my mind lately. He is a talented warlock, and I am quite impressed with his rune study. His body is littered with them, and while I am not disgusted with them in any way (they are fascinated), they did remind me of another warlock. One Lupen, of the Grim. His body was similarly marked, and I can't help but imagine that Tallius will follow the same path whenever I see those runes. Fortunately, his strength in character is far too impressive for me to imagine a future like that of the undead. Tallius is a kind and intelligent man, and so long as nothing traumatic happens, I believe he will remain as such. The rune that he placed on his body that restricted his mana flow.. that must be removed. Thooroon will be doing the honors, by means of severing the offending limb. Luckily for my very smart brother, he devised a limb regeneration rune only weeks ago. I teased him in that he had this planned.

My mother and Tirdisar are still getting married. I didn't think this would stop, and I'm not sure why I'm still bitter about it. Am I jealous? No. Perhaps just angry that my mother should be allowed happiness after all she put me through. After what I still must live with to this day. I do not feel as if a few months imprisonment are enough, but I can no longer harm her. I value Tir's friendship and want him happy, but damned if I would not still like to see her soul in limbo..

I am having a bit of trouble leaving my home to train lately, due to the baby. I have no complaints, but I do miss my friends. Such is the cost of motherhood, which I expected. I imagine that Szordrin has gone past me in skill, and I am happy for him. I think my friend will go far. As for the others, I expect to see them soon.

And Vicailde? Last night was as amazing as always. I suppose I've gotten used to the romance by now and anything less would be a disappointment, but my love never disappoints. He spoke of how it's almost been a year since we were married. Can you imagine? A year. A year with the love of my life, and I couldn't be happier. I suppose it shouldn't come as a surprise that we've lasted this long, but how many other Sin'dorei couples can say as much? None that I know of. We seem a capricious lot.

[Ninorra]

Winterveil has arrived, and with it the revelry of the season. This year, I celebrate not only the joy of the festivities around me, but the feeling of freedom that I have come to appreciate. Last year I knew nothing of Winterveil, besides the fact that I would have to sing a certain type of music dressed in a certain type of costume. This year, I am surrounded by more love than I ever thought possible to obtain. Damian is healthy, and Vicailde is so content that it feels almost as if time has stopped.

My brother has been feeling under the weather, so to speak. The side effects of his experiments seem to have caught up with him, and while I mourn this turn of events, I will help him. He is my brother, and I love him.

Tirdisar and my mother will be married soon. Perhaps today, perhaps tomorrow.. I was told of a Winterveil ceremony. I.. *pencil scratches* I hope they will be happy. The season of love and celebration is upon us. I no longer wish to waste time with thoughts of revenge or anger. I have far too much to be thankful for.

As for my Dreadsteed.. I have sent Calamitous back to where he as come from. For my new mount, I have given him the name Benedictus. I am sure he will serve me well.

[Ninorra]

An entire year has passed since Vicailde and I were married. I remember our marriage fondly.

I met with a few friends in Thunder Bluff, where I was dressing. I had only a plain white dress, as it was all I could afford. I'm certain that Vicailde would have given me something more expensive, but to be honest, I was still a bit uneasy about our marriage. What person would truly believe that I'd fallen in love with him so quickly? An older man, who already made it clear that he wanted to leave me his fortune upon his death. What could we possibly have in common? I wanted to dress as my status allowed. I was certain that if I could make him happy poor, I would be able to make him happy as his wife.

When I saw him, he was dressed beautifully. A black tuxedo, his hair well combed, his face shaved closely, he looked amazing. He took my breath away. I knew that I was attracted to him in the very least, and when he smiled at him I knew that I would love him.

Diomades married us. It was a short ceremony. I was glad that it happened in Mulgore. It was simple and beautiful, and since then, Mulgore has held a special place in my heart. We had our honeymoon in a small house in the Barrens, where Vicailde showed me exactly how physical love could be expressed. One year ago. Where has the time gone? I never would have expected it to happen. Not really. Not with what I was and where I'd come from. I was lucky not to be incarcerated, let alone wed to a noble. I was a lucky girl indeed.

I still am. Here's to many more years.

[Ninorra]

I find that one thing most of the races of the Horde hold sacred the most is "honor". Yet I see so few of them hold it. Honesty is considered a part of honor, is it not?

I am too upset to write more.

[Ninorra]

Goodbye sanity, you corruptive foe that holds my thoughts into place. He was there in my arms and now he is gone. Perfection made flesh stolen from me, as if I were nothing. I asked for help like a fool during a moment of weakness. Pity is not something that I need. Szordrin's voice, so full of concern made my heart break. He has gone from our banner and yet I miss his friendship. What was it that I could not do? I could not hold on to my own son. I detest myself and I have to make things right.

I love Vicailde, but Damian is my life. I will not rest until he is home and I will show the Kaldorei swine who took him the true meaning of hell. Until her brain bleeds. There is nothing more savage than the theft of a child. How dare they? How dare she? How dare the world give me such sublime beauty and rob me of it? I will burn her and her world. Her soul was forfeit the moment she touched him. She is not worthy to see his eyes. His beautiful eyes. Gods above, I miss him so. I can only record my thoughts now because it pains me to think them. My power, for the time being, is spent. I am working on something ominous and whether or not it works, I will at least know where my son is and if he lives. I need to know he breathes.

If not..

I still ask why. Why why why. Why would she take him? Why couldn't I stop her? I died like a weakling. She laughed at me with those eyes. Those -eyes-...

[Ninorra]

I can only blame myself for how things have unfolded.

Last night, Drinn told me they found Malanori. She said my son would be safe if we captured her. She said she had many with her, and in spite of my better judgment I agreed. I wanted to find her. Question her. Ask her above all, why? Why would she do this? Does she have no conscience, no love in her at all? Does she not understand the pain she's caused me? Or does she simply not care. I think this is the case. She laughed at me. She spit at me and I could do nothing to stop it. What can I do when she has my child's life in her hands? I would face any humiliation to get him back. My pride is not important. My pride was never important.

Vicailde is worried for me, but I wish there was something more his men could do. Attacking her in her own home is not an option. I met a man from the Cartel who said he understood, but still asked for payment as was required by his kind. Salesh was his name? I don't blame him. This is my fight. Even the Grim seemed more interested in bloodshed then the wellbeing of my child.

Speaking of the Grim, I've placed a warding spell against Cecilly. It will render her invisible to me from now on. I really don't need the grief of one insignificant bitch harping on me when so much is happening already. I doubt I will miss the sound of her nasally voice. I will have to figure out some other way to get Damian back. Too many of Drinn's men were unable to contain themselves around Malanori long enough for me to safely take her back to a town, and they seemed more a nuisance than anything else. Drinn herself I owe much, but the rest of them can die in a fire.

I will ask Salesh to negotiate with Malanori. I know that it will cost money, but at this point I would pay any price.

[Drinn]

but the rest of them can die in a fire.


((I lol'd.))

[Malanori]

((Well I WAS /chicken @ them... Id kill me too))

[Ninorra]

I feel.. so.. guilty. It was a lovely wedding. It was an honor to do it. The party was.. it was fun. I didn't deserve to have fun while my son was with that woman. What kind of a monster am I? How could I have let it happen?

[Ninorra]

The heads of Drinn and her husband, and gold of course.. that's what that bitch asked for. For me to betray someone who has shown me nothing but kindness. I will not do it. It pained me to tell her that. I told her I would cause her pain. I am a warlock.. I work in pain.. and I would not shed a tear to hurt her..

..but Solinarus is the one she loves. And he asked for her to reconsider. I saw kindness in his face. Curse me, I can't do it. I can't hurt him.

Vicailde reasoned with me. Certainly, she will be an outcast to her people if she harms him. So she won't. Right? I'm not so sure. I doubt they would make it such a crime. I have heard of atrocities on both sides.. what would one baby do? A horde child, no less? Perhaps she would be disgusting in their eyes, but who cares. It's just one Blood Elf. One Sin'dorei. Who cares about one innocent Sin'dorei?

Skafloc keeps telling me he wants to give me a gift for my work at his wedding. I tried to tell him I don't want anything. I can't accept anything. I don't deserve his kindness. I am not worthy of his respect.

[Ninorra]

We are not to negotiate. That is what Vicailde told me. But Niethan said that he would help and who was I to say no? He, myself and Sepulchure were all that was in the guildhall last night. We spoke a bit about Damian and Niethan offered to help. How, I can not say, for fear that this might fall into the wrong hands. Suffice to say, it is a kind and selfless gesture, and I owe him my gratitude in the very least. He even helped to put me to sleep with a sedative. I can finally think clearly again. I couldn't sleep on my own, but the sedative allowed me to.

Before I went to sleep, I spoke to Sepulchure a bit about his past. He has some strange runes. I'll help him identify them, soon. He was very sweet and thoughtful, and his kindness reminded me a bit of Vicailde. Although I'm sure, a much younger version. I will do my best to help him after Damian is returned to me.

[Ninorra]

Well, things are back to normal now. I'm going to take a break for a while to get away from everything. I sincerely need it.

[Ninorra]

Well, I'm learning to dance. From a troll. This excites Vicailde a lot more than I thought it would. He has a certain attraction to trolls and their culture, something I am rather fond of. I'm glad that if he's attracted to something, it's something that is also a part of me. I am not exactly well footed, when it comes to dancing. My skill is rudimentary at best. I am told that this form of dancing is supposed to be a prayer. What then, should I pray to? I know nothing of the Light, nor of gods. Nothing outside of what everyone knows commonly.. I have no faith. Perhaps I should have some?

[Ninorra]

I have received a letter from Father Melchisedech. Should I call him Father? I know him to be a priest, but again I am woefully ignorant on the subject. Vicailde seems to be indifferent to it. His faith, or whatever it was he once had, is no longer there. Is he like all of the others, then? These Blood Knights who twist the light for their own use, without an worship or piety? Is that all the light is, then? I had thought that perhaps it would only be commanded by those who truly believed, those who their deity would grant such power to, but it seems like anyone can bring forth the light. Anyone can pay lip service and receive power in return. It feels so backwards to me that the heavens can work like this, but hell does not.

Hell exists only for those who believe. Without belief, or with indifference, oblivion is a soul's only fate. Or reincarnation. Is it strange that hell seems more real to me than heaven?

[Ninorra]

It appears that Galitea was given a guardian of her own by my brother. He was unable to care for her himself, considering that he joined the military, and decided to use my research to build a construct. He's rather well made, I must say. I just don't see how it's very useful. Tallius always said that Galitea had more of a personality than I gave her credit for, which I suppose might be true, but what good is she if her only companion is another thrall? I don't want my creation going to waste. I wonder if..

Oh, I have a wonderful idea. I'll have to find some gift wrapping.

[Ninorra]

No. No no no. It's not true. They told me that Tallius was dead. Dead?? How can my brother be dead! He was lost in the Caverns of Time, they said. The dragons would destroy him. No! He is not dead. Not dead. The lady hasn't claimed my brother, yet. I would know. I will find him. I will find a way to find him, and I will beat the living hell out of him for scaring me like this.

[Ninorra]

Oh, my brother my brother... I thought myself quite clever when I figured out how to find him. I went to the guild hall and found Nomeni, who gave me some chalk. Tallius had some demon blood in him, why not summon him I thought? What arrived was a distorted version of my brother, obviously much older than the Tallius I knew. He had seen what I did to my mother. Was he there, in that unholy place? He's so frightened of me. I brought him home, but I don't know if he'll be able to recover.

I care for him so much, and I would do anything to bring him out of this.

I also managed to bake some cookies. Many cookies. I wanted to help him feel better, and also Exvind, so I baked. A lot. Vicailde was nice enough to interrupt me, but I won't complain. It was my fault for wearing nothing more than an apron. I think he liked it.

I had a strange dream, last night. I don't remember much except that I got along with my mother. How strange.

[Izrail]

(("Strange dream"? (http://wow-tng.org/showthread.php?t=10018)))

[Ninorra]

((XD Maybe. You never know!))

[Ninorra]

It should come as no bloody surprise to anyone (myself included) that strange things happen to me at no fault of my own. My father is alive, and he wants to see me. I think I might suffer for it, but we'll see. So far this week, I've had to endure:

- Exvind having an episode in Silvermoon.
- News of Tallius' death.
- Summoning Tallius only to discover he's gone mad.
- My mother's wedding.
- My father interfering with my mother's wedding.
- Baking cookies and cupcakes and muffins for everyone so they will all stop being so bloody depressed.

Why is it I'm constantly the voice of good cheer?? I thought I was supposed to be the warlock!

[Ninorra]

Oh, my brother my brother... you'll feel better soon. I know you will. I'll just make you and everyone else lots of yummy baked goods until you all feel better. Please gods, let it work. I don't know how much longer I can stand seeing him this way. He looks as if he's in pain at the memory of that unholy place. That unholy place that is so connected to my family. It plagues us. We can't escape it.

Sometimes Niethan teases me and tells me to retrieve my soul. He doesn't understand... this is all predetermined. Isn't it? I can't escape, can I? I don't want the fate that awaits me. I don't want to see my family trapped in this eternal cycle.

It's happened to me, my mother, to Tirdisar and now to Tallius... how long will it be until it happens to Vicailde? Or even Damian? Anyone I've ever loved?

[Ninorra]

I've found myself in need of a confidant. Of course I have Vicailde, but he has many responsibilities and I don't want to bother him with little things. I can't talk to most of my other friends because they all have problems of their own. I don't want to lay my worries on someone who's already debating suicide.

I miss Szordrin. I doubt he misses me.

[Ninorra]

Gods damn my soft heart. It's hard to stay mad at someone when they look at you like that. He explained what happened, but I'm still upset. For my own selfish reason, of course. I've never had a friend that would do what Szordrin did for Leoren, and while Vicailde is my dearest love, there are some things I just can't share with him. Who have I to confide in, besides these demons. With Tallius gone mad, I have nobody. I wonder if he would have wanted to hear, and I doubt it now, looking at him. He fears me after seeing what I did to my mother.

That is what I invoke in people when they get to know me. Fear, pity, and revulsion.

I put a rune on Szordrin's neck. It will keep my worst fear from happening to him, and ward away demon blood from his own. If he keeps it. It might be too much to hope that he actually will, but I pray that he does, or that he will be swiftly blessed with death. May he rest peacefully before having to endure that sort of torture.

[Lovely]

((Come hang out with Lovely. People fear, hate, and are repulsed by her too. I'll bring the pie and cake. :) ))

[Alana]

((Come hang out with Lovely. People fear, hate, and are repulsed by her too. I'll bring the pie and cake. :) ))

((dont confuse being afraid to be seen with you with being afraid of you. :-P))

[Lovely]

((dont confuse being afraid to be seen with you with being afraid of you. :-P))

((What, are you suddenly in House Vaedrin?!? lol))

[Ninorra]

((dont confuse being afraid to be seen with you with being afraid of you. :-P))

((Jeebus that hurts!!))

[Ninorra]

We told each other secrets, last night. Secrets I could have never imagined telling him, but, I told Szordrin. How could I keep it from my husband?

He asked if I was sorry. I told him that yes, of course I was. What kind of a monster would I be, if I felt no remorse in the murder of a pregnant woman? I knew she was pregnant when I tortured her. I wanted to steal her blessings. I was so twisted with grief that I couldn't see the monster within me. Looking back, it's easy to say that I regret it. I am still tempted however, by the memory of that night. How amazing it was, to feel her life in my hands. To hear her plead with me in that tongue of theirs. I know no Darnassian, but I am sure she said some less than kind words as I tore open her womb. My bare hands were slick with entrails. Perfectly manicured nails, cutting through flesh and organs. Like a feast for my senses.

Vicailde shared with me a secret. The truth about--, never mind. I will not discuss his secrets.

After we spoke of it, we discussed other things. His faith, my own, and our destiny. I told him about my mother, about the binding of my soul to that unholy place, about how the touch of holy metal burns my flesh. He looked at me proudly for a moment, but then couldn't. He didn't want me to see his face. My love wept for me, for the idea that someday, when we die, we will be lost from each other. Of all of the things in the world to be afraid of, he fears loneliness the most.

I understand this, more than he'll ever know.

There was a sad song in my heart, for the loneliness I've felt these past few weeks. When I saw Szordrin again, it disappeared. For a few moments, I had my friend again. I wonder if he will ever value that.

Perhaps I'll send him some brownies.

[Ninorra]

The first gift you gave me was a kiss.

It might not have seen so great to you, but it was the only act of kindness I'd ever received from someone since my master. You wanted nothing from me. You didn't even ask for my company, when you died. All you asked for was that I say yes. That is why I love you. You gave me your soul when I had no soul to give back. I am going to change that. I am going to change everything.

Furthermore, I am tired of reaching out to those who enjoy being abused by others. I refuse to become someone's stepping stone.

Last night was an easy night in Karazhan. I feel sorry for the ghosts there. We disturb them only to steal artifacts, weapons, and armor. They are restless and I wish we could put them to sleep permanently, but until then they are useful. I received three items of power that bring me closer towards my hell. Perhaps if I delve a little further, I will find what I'm looking for.

Iwant him to have it. It's the only thing I can give.

[DjalliDhey]

((damn..))

[Ninorra]

Well, last night was very interesting to say the least!

One of the warlock instructors of Silvermoon referred a new student to me named Cabriel. He and I spoke in depth and he will soon be joining us in Sanctuary. He seems like a very sweet boy, and is a warlock after my own heart. I hope to show him all that I know, even though I'll have to teach him a bit differently. He's apparently not much of a singer.

I've been writing music again! I have a glad song in my mind and can't wait to put it to words.

[Ninorra]

Tallius.

I've been caring for him for over a week, now. His mind seems to have split in two. On one side is my dear brother, who's been so ravaged by loneliness and fear that he's recessed behind the demon that sprung forth through his mutations. This demon side of him is cruel and antagonizing. He speaks to me as if I were nothing, and has tried to hurt me more than once. The only thing that keeps him from going very far is whatever is left of the Tallius who loves me.

There is something else I discovered, today. The demon side revealed to me a familiar face. I saw that face only a few times, when I was young and still hanging from my cage. That face attended my master's parties, and looked at me with such sadness that he stood out amongst everyone else. I never imagined that that expression was for me. How could I have? Nobody cared about me, they only cared about what I did for them, even if they didn't realize what exactly that was... but I know now, that he was there. My brother watched me, and he was sad for me. He loved me.

So I will love him. I'm going to keep him chained in there, and I'll feed him and tend to him until his mind heals. I don't care how long it takes. I will do everything in my power to bring him back.

[Ninorra]

I wrote a new song. My brother, I will save you. I will free you from the trappings of the demon that has evolved with you. You are blood, and I will not forsake you.


Song for My Brother

Mio fratello, il mio amico. Seguire la mia voce.
Non temi le mie parole.
La mia anima, mia vi siete preoccupati, voi vi siete ricordati della mia faccia.
Per favore, permetta che me aiuti.

Eravate là quando non ci ne erano,
la vostra tristezza non morta mai.
Soltanto una bambina, ho saputo non di voi,
ma come donna, ho gridato.

Mi hanno detto che della vostra untimely morte,
esso sembrassero, fossero voi.
Suppongo capite i miei desideri, ma che soddisfate,
che permettete che me segua attraverso.

Mio fratello, il mio amico. Seguire la mia voce.
Non temi le mie parole.

La mia anima, mia vi siete preoccupati, voi vi siete ricordati della mia faccia.
Per favore, permetta che me aiuti.

Segua la mia voce, segua la Luce,
perdonilo per favore, io elemosinano.
Ho sinned e danneggiato quelli che amate,
ma non ripeterò così.

Ero nerezza, mai nero,
ma il mio amore ha cambiato queste cose.
Lascilo prego dimostrare a voi la verità,
quella che è per voi che canto.

Mio fratello, il mio amico. Seguire la mia voce.
Non temi le mie parole.

La mia anima, mia vi siete preoccupati, voi vi siete ricordati della mia faccia.
Per favore, permetta che me aiuti.

[Ninorra]

Ay, magnifico! My brother lives! He is in the body of his construct, the one that he made for Galitea. He is asleep on the sofa in the living room, and I'm staying close by just in case Vicailde comes home and wonders what a strange man is doing asleep in our home. Tallius had many questions when he woke up, but he seems well enough. The important thing is that he LIVES, and now is the time to begin working on getting his old body back! His real body is so much more handsome than the one he's in, now. Of course he would, good looks run in our family. Just look at him!

((Attatched to the page is a grainy photograph.))

http://www.iballer.com/malecelebs/gianecchini/images/g24_jpg.jpg

In any case, I'm positively beaming now that I know it's possible for me to be more than just a singing siren of death and decay. I can actually use my songs for good things. I think I'd like to practice doing that a bit more. I have a song in my head, for just that.

Brava!

[Ninorra]

My brother seems.. displeased. I tried my best, I'm only trying to help him. I just want us to be a family. I never got to enjoy having one when I was younger, so, I'm making the best of it now. That's not a bad thing, is it?

Is it??

[Ninorra]

Strange day, yesterday. I spent a few hours in Silvermoon, enjoying the sunlight. I came across Aest, who was talking to a strange rude girl sitting on a table wearing nothing but underwear. I swear, the things women will do for money, these days...

Then I ran into Sophithia, and she is absolutely wonderful. We spoke for a bit, and bathed a kindly little dog that we found. Later, I received a letter from someone, thanking me for it. I have a feeling that it was more than a dog that we left smelling like lilacs. I also met two other new guild mates, a dashing young rogue and a Forsaken man who seemed lost and very lonely. I think I'll invite him for dinner, one day. He looks like he could use some good company.

I ran into Arnok a little later, and asked if it was possible to commission him for a few changes I'd like to make on the house. Nothing drastic, of course. Just a bit of soundproofing. I'll have to talk to Vic about that, of course. I can understand if he'd say no, that house has been in his family for many many years. I just want to make sure that when Damian grows older, he doesn't accidentally overhear anything. Children can be so very impressionable.

[Ninorra]

Tallius is still sleeping. I doubt he is pleased with me. I feel that I might have to do something drastic in order to make things right.

I've also noticed that lately, I've been being quite overlooked by people. It's as if I'm invisible. I say hello, or I invite them to chat, or any number of things, but they do not respond.. and nearly every time I meet someone new, the moment they discover I am married, they want nothing to do with me. Do I somehow have the plague, just because I'm married?? I think that the last real conversation I had was with Arnok, about soundproofing the house.

I have not heard word from Szordrin about the task I asked for his help with. I think he may be avoiding me. I don't know what else to do. I can't ask for Vicailde's help, that would ruin the entire plan, and yet I feel as if there's no point to it anymore. Maybe it was a foolish idea to begin with. I was undeserving of it, in it's entirety.


Qui rimango, da solo.
Musica per i miei propri orecchi.
Che cosa ho fatto?
Nessuno lo ha bisogno di, più..

[Ninorra]

Saphaira's Song

Drifting father away from the pain of the day,
she let the world dictate her tears.
My sister unknown, so much sadness was shown,
but all of it due to her fears.

Her heartbroken past was destroyed then, so fast,
that Saphaira could never let go.
Yet here now she stood, as strong as she could,
asking for my killing blow.

(chorus)
I'm sorry my sister, don't ask me for this,
don't ask me to kill you today.
I never knew you, or the brother you slew,
but from now on, for you I will pray.

A blood knight of power, she stands straight and tall,
she never allowed herself rest.
Although hurting and all, she answered her call,
a proud heart beating there in her chest.

So much sadness and tragedy came to her then,
it's a miracle that she still lives.
A miracle, yes, one might say she is blessed,
as fate has the power to forgive.

(chorus)
I'm sorry my sister, don't ask me for this,
don't ask me to kill you today.
I never knew you, or the brother you slew,
but from now on, for you I will pray.

Sister, don't leave me, there's so little now,
my family crumbles each day.
So many to loose, and none that I'd choose
that deserve to go in that way..

(chorus)
I'm sorry my sister, don't ask me for this,
don't ask me to kill you today.
I never knew you, or the brother you slew,
but from now on, for you I will pray.

[Villayna]

(( wow, very nice ))

[Malethia]

((...I has a song now? That is freakin AWSOME.))

[Ninorra]

(( <3 Good RPs warrant songs!))

[Ninorra]

A song for my sister in law, Saphaira. I hope that she likes it. I'm going to invite her for dinner one evening, and play it for her. Just the piano parts, not the lyrics. The lyrics are just for me.

*there is a series of notes written here*

I wonder if she likes duck?

[Ninorra]

I have recieved word from Galitea, concearning a collar that Melchisidech has given her. She seems happy, or at least content. This pleases me. Melchisidech and I likely have more in common than it seems. I'd invite him over for dinner, but alas, he can not eat.

Not much else to speak of, really. Tallius is still resting, and I don't want to disturb him. With him in his state, Vicailde working endlessly, and Damian being quite unable to speak, it has been terribly lonely in this big house.

[Vilmah]

((Whoops!))

[Ninorra]

I met with Xenorin, yesterday. He had many questions. The boy is adorable, really. It seems his lady friend wants to parry him. One would think this would be quite a fast move, but I would be a hypocrite if I told him to wait. Vicailde and I waited.. what was it? A week? We didn't even really wait. We just set a date that would be convenient. Granted, he proposed to me only out of convenience at first. He wanted someone to inherit his estate, and thought that I would make a deserving little urchin. What a surprise for him when he discovered how he couldn't resist me. A surprise for him? A surprise for me when I realized how I could not resist him! An older man like that? I never would have imagined.

In any case, I told Xenorin that he had my blessing, and told him the facts about childbirth. He doesn't seem to truly understand yet, and so I feel that perhaps his lady friend should explain the rest. Henny also seems to have a strange marking on his foot, which I promised to research.

Tallius seems to be resting comfortably. We really do need to track down the demon inhabiting his body. I don't like seeing the poor thing have to get used to that creation of his, nor do I enjoy the looks he gives me. Is it anger? Or disappointment? I can't be sure. I don't want to anger him any further, so I care for him.

So, things to do today:

- Research Xenorin's rune.
- Care for Tallius.
- Care for Damian.
- Write a letter to Saphiara.
- Buy a new leather harness for play.

[Ninorra]

I met with the Baron, today. We had a good talk. I also met a nice young man named Jhonn.

I suppose I'm writing in here because I feel I need to let this out. I'm still thinking about him. Why do I still care? Because I love him, of course. No, don't be stupid, not romantic love. Not the type of love that would get someone in trouble with their spouse. I could never love someone else the way I do Vicailde, but I know that I love him at least enough that it pains me to see him change, and to be left out of his thoughts.

What a sickening sort of love this is. When I heard his voice, I thought I might cry.

[Ninorra]

The first card has been dealt.

http://img3011.photobox.co.uk/086115284a79d5163c709227605f791ec7863ac9fe62749ce6 68085a12a4004a24fb9085.jpg

Very educational.

[Ninorra]

Follow the cards, their suit is the same,
those who will not,
will be murdered by name.

Name not your price, name not your vows,
holy is love,
of that which we allow.

[Ninorra]

My hairdresser seemed to be unusually talkative, today. Something about Qabian and Nymare. I'm not one to gossip, so I kept it to myself. They probably would do well together. I mean, he is a cold and arrogant power driven man, and from what I have seen and heard of this woman, she seems to be the same. Qabian is likely still upset with me for being weak and loving and all of that.. but I knew he would fall in love, even if he refused to admit it.

I am not a cruel person. I wish them both the best. I am fond of seeing love, in all of it's forms. It is the most beautiful thing our world has to offer, and will not pass by even the cruelest of souls. Even if they try.

[Ninorra]

I sent Szordrin a note a few days ago, commenting on how he's changed. He says he has not seen me recently, so how could I know?

Well isn't that the point?

We used to be rather close. I doubt my love for him means much, at this point. He seems more distracted by whatever else he is doing. The last I spoke to him, it was a woman named Nymare. I do hope he isn't infatuated with her, considering that my hairdresser saw her all over Qabian. I don't want to see him hurt. He doesn't deserve heartbreak. I'm not about to get involved though, so best to stay out of it. It isn't as if I know every detail of their private lives. Especially not Szordrin's. Not anymore.

Saphiara sent me a mechanical squirrel for Damian. The boy gets so many gifts, but he seems enchanted by them all. He took to the squirrel immediately, and the two have become good friends. I invited Saphiara for a visit, but I worry that she will not want to see Damian, thinking that it will cause her pain. It may very well do that. However I wonder if perhaps she might be able to see him as an outlet for her lost love? An aunt's love can not rival a mother's, but I will not deny her access to him if it will help her to recover.

[Ninorra]

Isn't it interesting how after over a year of marriage, he can still say things that make me blush? He called me his "lover" and I melted in his embrace. He'll bring up new little things and it's amazing. I blame it on his theatre training. He's good at portraying romanticism, and considering that he labels me as his "muse" I suppose I must inspire him to say them. Like last night, for example.

He compared me to an apple, saying that I was crisp and pure and delicious. Grown just for him. He on the other hand, is port. Perfectly aged for my tastes and senses. Just thinking about it makes me shake.

Lover, husband, Lord and master. You take my breath away.

[Ninorra]

It may be degrading for others, but when he calls me his whore and slut I find myself smiling. He heals me afterwards and I feel just fine. He never leaves scars. Save the piercings, he would never mark my skin. Sometimes when he pulls my hair, he takes a few strands. It's alright. I have plenty to spare. I have been attempting to help Xenorin by studying his marking, but Vicailde is a terrible distraction. Anytime he's near I feel as if something awakens in me. Really, if he weren't a Blood Knight I'd take him for an incubus.

[Ninorra]

What can I say of love? It is an irritating concept. I am devoted towards my husband. He has my heart, and if I could give it, he would have my soul as well. There is no fear of being unfaithful. I would never betray him.

So, if I love others, it is chaste. I do what I can for them. I want only to be near them, to share in their lives, to be their friend, and to protect them any way I can. Yet this is unfair? What else can I do? Why is it that love isn't considered love unless it goes hand in hand with fucking? Why can't someone simply accept love for what it is? Gods be damned, what can I do? I love Szordrin and I know he will never love me, but I would be content if only he cared. He doesn't seem to care that he hurts me. I would do anything for him. Why doesn't this matter? Because I'm married? Because I can't express my love for him physically?

Is that all love is to people?


What is pain that can't be expressed,
this constricting sensation in my breast.
How I cared for you, my bard of repent,
and yet you don't care for efforts I've spent.

I've begged like a woman, I've cried like a child,
I've waited for friends to be reconciled.
Nothing worth giving is what I have given,
because nothing is love, lest sin be forgiven.

I love you, Szordrin.

[Ninorra]

It has been a few days since I last wrote, due to some unforseen circumstances. I shall start with the beginning:

I spoke to Szordrin, at length, about the rune placed on his neck. He asked what I was, concerned with the fact that it might make him unable to heal others for some reason. I told him, no, it would not do that. All it did was make him unable to have his blood mix with a demon's. He seemed so confused as to how I did it, when, honestly.. he felt me cut it into his neck with my fingernails. It's not as if I cut him shallowly. It was deep enough to make a scar. What person wouldn't notice that?? And I -told- him about the damned thing. I told him as much as he seemed interested to know, at the time. Then he comes to me, upset that I didn't explain at length? Well why the bloody hell didn't you ask in the first place, for the love of all that is holy and unholy?

Honestly, men.

After that I explained my love for him, told him that of course I loved him and that the only way I could show it was by being his friend. Now, what is wrong with that I should like to know?? It isn't as if I'm betraying my husband, or leading him on, or lying to anyone. They both know how I feel, they both know I am loyal, but the moment I told Szordrin the truth he was upset. Because I'm starting to notice a trend with people.

Nobody things love is love unless it is coupled with fucking. This is the gods' honest truth. If you say you love a man, you had better expect to fuck him too, because unless you do he will not accept it. He will not accept friendship, or comrarderie, or anything less than you being his lover. This black and white definition of love is so degrading that it sickens me. It seems that due to the fact that I am married, I can't have friends who care about me. Nearly all of my friends have turned out to have been men who are romantically inclined towards me. It seems as if the only people I can trust are women, because men are turning out to be sex-driven assenine fools.

Now, on another topic, this is the problem; Malethia says she will help me to summon a demon, and locate my soul. Unfortunately, I need allies. Allies that care for me, who are friends, and who have love for me. I'm not going to involve men who have -that- sort of love for me, because to be perfectly honest, I am sick of feeling as if I owe them something. To what do I owe a man that can't get it through his head that I will love them as a friend? Nothing. I should like to have a friend who will remain a real friend, and not expect things from me that I can not give.

Where are real friends in this world? Where are honest and decent people?

[Ninorra]

~ * ~This page seems to be enchanted. It is completely blank, however, once opened, Ninorra's voice can be heard singing in Thelassian.~ * ~

http://www.duchessofdork.com/music/InMourning.mp3

Sin'dorei fi la nadie.
Sin'dorei sin da talie.
Sa so de ti da na di tolo mente,
la ti de sanda.

(translation)
A Sin'dorei, I am nothing.
A Sin'dorei, I call to you.
You who have what is mine, come to me,
I will be whole.

[Izrail]

((Beautiful. :) ))

[Ninorra]

The song came to me as I was reading. I don't know where it came from, I just heard it. I was researching Malethia's plan to summon a demon and interrogate it, when the words just came to mind. I enchanted the last page so that I wouldn't forget it.

I suppose it doesn't matter much, in any case. I've no allies to help me with this endeavor. Nobody who's wellbeing I would be comfortable with asking them to risk. It's a very strange request, isn't it? Asking for help from people I care for to interrogate a demon and locate my soul.

And then there's something else that has been plaguing me.

What does the absense of my soul mean, exactly? How am I even alive? Without a soul, shouldn't I be nothing? Yet I am alive, and I feel emotions just as anyone else would. The fact that my soul is not present is only proven by certain things; a warlock's magic, for example, or a priest's thorough inspection. My soul is bound to the hells that gave me this power that I have, but it makes no sense really. How do I even exist?

[Ninorra]

Ohhh so many things to write! I am happy and sad at the same time!

I will write the happy news first:

My sister in law, Saphiara, has agreed to help me to summon a demon for interrogation. She is a woman, and not a lesbian, so for once it seems that I actually have a friend who cares for me without wanting something in return. I don't think I've felt this way since Lovely gave Vicailde his new body. I feel as if I can trust her, and I am so grateful to her for it. It is an amazing feeling to be able to put one's trust in another again.

Now for the sad news:

It seems as if she has a little crush on the Baron. This would not be so bad if only she understood that these crushes don't have to end in sadness. She could use the love she has for him to make a wonderful friend, as I tried to do with Szordrin. Luckily for Saphiara, I think he'll have the good sense not to take that sort of thing for granted, even if he finds out that she's infatuated with him. He's a smart man, that Baron. I doubt that he would look a gift horse in the mouth, and I know that he wouldn't take advantage of the situation. I know, because he can't betray Evanthe.

I made sure of that, myself.

I also gave Saphiara an idea as to how he might be able to track her down, using the binding spell I put on the both of them. I told her to tell him, as if she discovered it herself. He doesn't need to know that I helped. Anything to strengthen their friendship. Poor Saphiara, thinking it was wrong to be attracted to him... there's nothing wrong with that at all, unless acted upon. Honestly though, I never understood the type of hype the Baron gets. Certainly he is tall, well muscled, with a chisseled jawline, long straight hair, broad shoulders, keen eyes, a dark velvety voice, and gentle hands, but that's all there really is.

Oh yes, he's also very kind and understanding. He can also be amusing. I've noticed that he's also charming.

Good Lord, poor Saphiara.

[Villayna]

Good Lord, poor Saphiara.

(( rofl ))

[Ninorra]

I have been frightened before, I admit. When Damian was kidnapped, I thought that my life was nothing, and was so scared for him that I nearly went mad with grief. When I discovered that Niam had drugged Vicailde and seduced him, I was afraid for our marriage. It's not often that I fear for myself.

But now I do. I am afraid of death. Not of common death, where my soul would be put to rest, but of a different death. The death that may come to me when my soul and I are reunited. Will I change completely? If I do, the Ninorra that everyone knows will certainly be dead. I don't want to die, but, I want to be whole. I don't want to feel less than anyone else because of circumstances that were beyond my control. I want to feel real. I don't want to just be a voice to the rest of the world, anymore. I want people to see me the way Saphiara and Vicailde do.

[Ninorra]

Yes, I may have gone a bit overboard by slapping Baron Ran'deau and blaming him for being overwhelmingly charming.. but gods damn it all, I was upset! I wed him to Evanthe myself. I bound them together, I made them unbreakable and I thought that it would help keep them close.. and now he and my sister in law are infatuated with each other. Oh gods, my sister Saphiara. Another person I can't keep safe with love and love alone. I love her so much but what does that mean in comparison to her love for him? Nothing, the same way that my love for Szordrin meant nothing in comparison to his love for.. whoever it was he loved. Nymare, probably.

But at least I think I might have helped Saphiara a bit. I told her that she needed to tell Skafloc the truth, and really, there's nothing more a woman can give than the truth. He deserves that much. They both do. Whatever they decide, at least they both will know the truth behind their feelings, and will be able to make well thought out decisions.

Well thought out decisions?

Who am I kidding.. who thinks, when they're in love?

[Ninorra]

It was hard not to sound like an overexcited little girl, last night. I spoke to Cabriel about a few things, first and foremost being about how I feel about my sister. If it isn't obvious that I have been overly protective of her, I am rather proud of myself. I adore her, naturally, as she is a kind and sensitive person. But, as if out of nowhere, and certainly for the first time, I find myself physically attracted to her.

It's not so terribly strong that it is distracting. I suppose if anything, it is a passing fancy. A curiosity. I've never felt inclined to study a woman's body so much, but, perhaps me and my late brother have similar tastes? In any case, it doesn't matter. I love her like a sister and would never hurt her, and besides. I know that Vicailde is the only one for me. After speaking to Cabriel about men, this is even clearer to me now than it was before. He seemed surprised that Vicailde is the only man I have ever been with, and even moreso that I would marry him before finding out how we matched in bed. Honestly, before being set free, I had very childish ideas of what love was. I imagined romance and such, and felt rather stupid for becoming infatuated with Tirralys those first few weeks. He wasn't romantic, he was just.. interesting. And me being naive and impressionable, I thought that I had all of the power in the world to change fate and somehow make him fall in love with me.

I was a silly girl.

Anyhow, Cabriel agreed to help me retrieve the missing part of my soul. So it shall be him, Saphiara, and myself. I hope this is enough. If not I might have to ask Therium, which may not be the best of ideas. I thought about asking Xenorin, but to be honest, I wonder if he loves me or if he is simply afraid of me. I hope that he realizes that I did what I did out of love for him. I don't want him to be afraid of me. I don't want anyone to be afraid of me, but really, I doubt I have to worry about that. I'm not exactly the most fear-instilling warlock in the world.

Also, I spoke to the Baron last night and apologized. I hit him rather hard. I'm sure he felt little, but still, it was terrible manners on my part. I'm still not sure how I managed to get so angry that I would actually strike him. His stubble left a slight burn on my palm.

Gods bless me for not being attracted to gingers.

[Saphiara]

((..........

*tosses aside Skafloc, goes after Ninny instead*

Unf.))

[Ninorra]

((*purr* *canoodle*))

[Ninorra]

It took me two weeks to satiate Vicailde. He had a few questions, but there are easy ways to answer them. Well, not so much easy as enjoyable. Two weeks of rampant violent lovemaking can do wonders for a man's curiosity. I'd say that 90&#37; of that was for my own enjoyment, and the other 10% was to keep him from finding out what I've been up to.

So now, it's up to me to contact Saphiara, Malethia, and Cabriel. They will help me to summon a demon of considerable power, bind him, and question him. When all of this is over, I will hopefully have my soul again, and be able to fully give myself to Vicailde the way I wanted to.

Really now, how many other women would do so much for their husband? I'm quite pleased with myself. And a bit excited. Will I be different with a soul? Will I be kinder? Will I be less indicisive? Sane? We'll see. I can't wait.

[Ninorra]

[Inserted are several recipe cards.]

It's all set! I am so excited. I've taken out three recipes, one for each of those helping me, in the hopes that I will be able to capture their tastes beforehand. For Cabriel, truffles. Dark chocolate, of course. Cocoa in the 80&#37;. For Saphiara, lemon and strawberry swirled cakes with strawberries and whipped cream. She needs comfort food after all of the things she's been through, and I think a mix of flavors would do her a world of good. For Malethia, angel food cake. Naturally.

So I'm going to make these things, some tea and lemonade, and put them on a nice table outside for when we're ready to summon the demon. This will be my last entry until after the summoning. I hope that I will be able to write about how we defeated it, got my soul back, and were able to have things settled by supper.

Which leads me to think, what should I make for such a celebratory meal? Especially since Vicailde and Damian will be there? He likes meat. I'll have to find out if anyone has dietary issues. If not, I'm thinking lamb shanks.

lamb shanks (5)
rosemerry,
mint jam,
garlic roasted potatoes,
asparagus,

I think that should be fine. We also have a lovely bottle of wine that will compliment lamb. In any case, time to take out my books!

[Ninorra]

So. Much. Anger.

I haven't had the chance to write in here, as I am preparing for the summoning, but oh.. oh. I can not believe it. The Baron actually allowed himself to be taken advantage of. Ha! Of course. A perfect excuse. I can't explain my anger enough. It's just one of those things that makes me wonder if I've really grown up at all. I thought maybe, MAYBE there was someone in this world who understood. Who was like me. Someone who really held and gripped and kept the value of love. Wether or not he loves his wife is not the question.. but what we said before? About how there's more than just saying it, more than just being romantic, more than just making mistakes and rectifying them.. there is more to it then that! It was supposed to be stronger than some whore's advances. Stronger than some rune and it's ability to cloud his decisions. It was supposed to be the strongest, most important thing in the world. That's why I was sad about my sister being infatuated with him! I was sad because I thought, there is no way he will betray his wife with my sister. And indeed he didn't, but apparently there was someone else!

Gods it angers me. Beyond words. Seeing my sister hurt like that.. if I had more vengeance in myself I would kill him. I'd find a way. But the truth is, he's disappointed me so badly that I don't even want to waste my thoughts on him. It's best to move on from this and learn. There is some truth in it, I know now. I am strange and my beliefs are not valid. Love, for whatever it is, is not the strongest thing in the world. My love for Vicailde might be the strongest thing I have, but this isn't so for anyone else I've met.

Except perhaps for my sister. She still loves my brother, even in death. If there is any hope for my theory of love, it is upheld by her and her alone.

Disappointment cuts so deep. I can't imagine the pain Evanthe must feel. If this ever happened to me, I think I might go insane. Luckily for me, I know that Vicailde is fully capable of being in control of himself. Magic or no. He has his weaknesses, but in the hands of another woman? He'd likely kill them. That's the sort of man that he is. Because of this, I know that he is the only man for me. He is the only man that I can ever trust.

[Ninorra]

Oh well isn't this just perfect.

First Szordrin. You know what, fuck him. Fuck him to death, that damned son of a whore. I am so tired of putting my heart out on a dish for him only to see his cold eyes and hear whatever voice he wants to let me listen to. If we were friends once, we aren't now. Friends care for one another, and they don't treat each other like.. however it is he treats me. It's irritating to think that I cried over him last night. Cried! Over someone who wouldn't give me the time of day, let alone his friendship. No, fuck him. Fuck him really, this time. I am finished. Over him. I promise.

Saphiara found me in Shattrath, and we had a nice talk. She said that I shouldn't waste tears on him. She is so right! What a waste. Waste.

Selash came in and asked me to make him skin. He gave a me a bit of the skin to copy, and I said I would. Then I began thinking of a way to keep the skin living, and decided on a tiny flesh beast. Small essential organs to keep it living, long enough that he'll be able to use the skin and it doesn't rot.

Saphiara and I spoke a bit more and showed me her bird, Ivory. Good lord.. I knew what that was about. I adore her, and I know she does what she does if only to be his friend and be close to the man she loves without it being dangerous. I know how that is, gods how I know that is. (No, not going back to that, fuck you Szordrin.) And then this new chap walks in, wearing Izrail's body. What was his name, Quiestor? I may be spelling it wrong. I did his company no justice. I want to help Izrail very much, as he had always been a very polite young man and his desire to learn the piano made me very happy.

Then Evanthe. Good lord, Evanthe.

She is so damned jealous of poor Saphiara, who has done nothing with her husband. She is so jealous of Saphiara's feelings, but gods, why? Why be upset? It isn't as if she is attempting to take his attention from his wife, or anything of the sort. So she has a little crush, where is the harm in that? She said that if I werein her position I'd think differently, but good gods! If a woman had a crush on Vicailde, I'd be highly amused. He's handsome certainly, but his demeanor calls for a certain type of woman to love him, and Vicailde is not the sharing type. I would feel sorry for this imaginary girl, who would receive absolutely no sympathy from Vicailde.

Now Skafloc on the other hand... maybe I'll pay him a visit, and ask that he tell his wife the truth. That Saphiara is not coming after him, and that if I catch him toying with my sister's heart I will find a way to torture his soul in such a way that madness will be a release.

Stupid men. Stupid stupid men. If I didn't have two at home, I'd say to hell with the lot of them.

[Ninorra]

I write my music when I am inspired, but then I also write it when I am not. I like to keep my skills fresh, and strange enough, even when I think that something is terrible the moment I write it, if I go back to it several days later I might notice that something within it was brilliant. Uninspired music has a way of doing that. It tends to be more technical than something written in a flood of emotions. I have a feeling that if I were to have written music yesterday, it would have been a mix of anger and sadness. Disappointment and regret. Sometimes this translates to a beautiful song, but other times it's just convoluted nonsense and emotional rubbish.

Besides, who wants to listen to a song about lost love?

Right now I feel somewhat grounded. I have my family, my sister, and several close friends. They keep me where I need to be; in a place where I am appreciated and loved, despite my mistakes and the silly things that I do or say. They love me despite the fact that I am a warlock, and even though it troubles them (Saphiara, especially) it does not hold keep them from loving me. They know who and what I am, and that I would do anything for them.

Sometimes, one has to take a few few hours to cool one's temper. This was the case with me. Am I too soft? Maybe. If he came to me in earnest, I might cry in his arms. That is how much I miss my friend.

Asshole.

[Bir]

Oh well isn't this just perfect.

First Szordrin. You know what, fuck him. Fuck him to death, that damned son of a whore. I am so tired of putting my heart out on a dish for him only to see his cold eyes and hear whatever voice he wants to let me listen to. If we were friends once, we aren't now. Friends care for one another, and they don't treat each other like.. however it is he treats me. It's irritating to think that I cried over him last night. Cried! Over someone who wouldn't give me the time of day, let alone his friendship. No, fuck him. Fuck him really, this time. I am finished. Over him. I promise.


(( It is perfect, NOW I CAN HAVE HIM. *hip thrusts over to Szordrin* ))

[Ninorra]

Izrail's Rescue

-Written here is a series of music notes and terminology. It seems like the writing is very frantic, as if Ninorra wrote it as fast as she could.-

This is the beginning of Izrail's Rescue. The first part depicts several of his friends as they gather to begin their quest. I will continue to write each piece as I watch the events unfold. Hopefully, when Izrail returns, he will be able to watch these events as he plays the song. Very old and useful magic.

[Izrail]

((<3))

[Ninorra]

Spent a bit of time in Alterac Valley, last night. I feel that the cold air clears my head. It also allows me to practice my craft in an environment that enrages me enough to inspire it. The rewards are also rather nice, and I'm looking forward to collecting a new pair of gloves and a new belt. Perhaps a new hood. The gloves and belt I have now clash HORRENDOUSLY with my robes. Purple has never been a good color for me.

I also spent some time with my sister, last night. Apparently she has changed her position in the military to a go-between with the Blood Knights and the Farstriders. She says that it annoys her, but I am still proud. We seem to be a very military-centric family, with both her and Vicailde enlisted as they are. I wonder if Damian will have much of a choice in the matter? I doubt Vicailde will force him, but he will certainly be learning swordplay at an early age. This I have no issue with. Saphiara also showed me her new wolf, which she says is a representation of her spirit. Beside it, her tiger Elphorus was like her husband. Wolf and tiger, running together. It was so romantic. Then she told me that she was mistaken, when she claimed that Ivory had been representative of her friendship with Skafloc. It was protective, she said. And it sang. I've never been more flattered in my entire life. The bird is white, though. She says that I may not be so dark as I think.

I wonder if, as a warlock, we have much choice in the matter?

I also met a young lady who is associated with miss Drinn. I asked her to relay a message to the dear lady, expressing my continued thanks for what she has done for me. Her husband is missing, so I have offered my services.

That is all, for now. I'm cleaning up Izrail's Rescue a little, but until it's over, I won't be able to completely revise it.

[Ninorra]

A Song of Pride

In writing and reason I constantly stall, and discover the caution preceding a fall.
My actions are worthy, despite an ill soul; despite all of the faults that leave me un-whole.
Regardless of humor, or sorrow, or pain, I stand and defend them again and again.
My family dear, within memories fresh; they drive me in mind, and spirit, and flesh.

Although blood is so little, it remains all the same; a silly requirement in this silly game.
My mother alive, and married, and free... to a man who still claims is in love with me.
My brother is hidden, his soul close to my heart; his conscience the thing that keeps us apart.
My sister, so lovely, so frail and so strong; she keeps my good spirits, and fills me with song.

My students, though older, learn with passion and grace; it is for their respect that I keep my proud face.
Izrail, his fingers keep more than he knows; through his hands does his love and his loyalty flow.
Cabriel, arrogant, but only to hide; a strong soul and a will that he keeps locked in side.
A priestess who guides me, her voice gentle and soft; it was faith alone that kept my soul aloft.

Therium, master, your humanity lives; despite all of the horrors and knowledge you give.
Korrin, good ally, a troll I adore; your innocent laughter leaves me wanting more.
Broxigan, friend, and orc of good deed, always gentle and gracious to any in need.
Mohan, I’ve missed you, and the words that we shared; I hope that your life and adventures are fair.

To my husband Vicailde, I sing only of praise; it is you who has shown me the path to my ways.
Damian, remember the names in this guide; I hope that you will repeat them in honor and pride.
This song will remind you that still with the Horde;
Are the honor, and heroes, that are worth fighting for.

[Ninorra]

Last night, a member of Sanctuary mentioned that they weren't "that into chocolate". I was in such shock, I couldn't speak.

The battlegrounds became rather tedius, so I went to the World's End tavern and spoke to some friends. Savarra, Cpike, and a man I've never met before watched the Elite Tauren Chieftans with me. This group is very good, but, I couldn't help but cringe then their lead vocalist sang off key. My love for the Horde kept me from being too offended, but I suppose the perfectionist in me wouldn't let it slide. I clapped and cheered, but I think that he could use some singing lessons. I'd offer, but that sounds like it would be highly insulting.

[Ninorra]

This was the first time that I raised my voice to him. Vicailde was so diswraught that he seemed unable to respond. If I weren't me, I could see him losing his temper. Instead, he walked away. Have I changed? Even a little? What is it that I gained, in taking back what was mine? I can't even tell, anymore. I thought that I knew what I was, and now I'm not so sure. Am I whole, or simply insane? Insanity would explain the rest of this so much easier.

Also, I've been feeling sick lately. I think I caught something on that little excursion.

[Ninorra]

I'm so glad that nobody reads this... if they did, I couldn't imagine how their opinions of Vicailde or myself might change. Some things I just don't want to forget, and when I write them down, I relive them. I can't describe the ammount of pleasure I get when I look at an old entry about the early days of Vic and I's relationship. He and I have changed so much. At first we were somewhat shy with one another, or at least, I know that I was... but we've gotten to the point where we know every nook and cranny of eachother's mind and body. He can say things now that might have frightened me before, but are insanely arousing now.

Like last night. We were unusually rough with one another. I teased him and called him 'grandfather'. He called me a slut. It was a wonderful interaction. At one point though, I think that my entire body shook when he said, "The only preference you have is my dick."

To say that to me, with such force and confidence... I can't even gather the words. I'm more in love with him now than ever.

I sometimes hope for Saphiara to find a man like him, but then I remember that she is more of the dominant type. I can imagine her saying things that Vic would say, holding a man.. oh.. you know.. a woman up by their throat, and forcing herself on them. Well, not forcing of course, but just being very strong and passionate. I wonder if she would ever get to the level Vic has? He seems more animal than Sin'dorei, sometimes. I've seen sides in him that I wonder if he even knows exist, his taste for blood being one of them. I've seen read about the Amani practicing something similar, where the male bites down so hard on his female (or male..) that they tear skin and lap at the wound. When Vic does this I feel like he's reaching into some primal instinct. I suppose I must be too, because I enjoy it tremendously. Thank goodness for his healing skills, or I'd probably be dead by now.

[Malethia]

((I just thought of a new use for Retribution Aura.))

[Ninorra]

((M'hahaha!!))

[Ninorra]

Why does my sister like to tease me like that??

I made cookies for Vic, but he wasn't home. So I brought them with me in hopes that the other soldiers in Alterac Valley might like them. Well, I waited for my turn, and ended up running into Cpike. We watched the Elite Tauren Chieftans once more, and Cpike actually said that I had a crush on Samuro! He's an adorable boy. Savarra showed up, and then my sister, and then an undead who was friends with Savarra. I offered them all cookies, but then Saphiara made fun of me again. She said that I was trying to fatten everyone up so that they would make me feel better.

Am I really that fat?? Have I gained that much weight since Damian was born? I know that I've always been a bit thicker than most Sin'dorei, but I never thought that it was that bad.. she says that she's only joking, but sometimes I'm not so sure. Maybe I do need to lose a few inches, but, Vicailde said that he likes me as I am now... I don't know what to do. What do I do??

[Ninorra]

Feeling so strange, lately. Emotional, grumpy, sick... I swear to the gods, if I'm pregnant again, I think I'm going to scream. Not that it would be a bad thing, but, I'm up to my neck in responsibility as it is, and the idea of having another baby frightens me greatly. Damian is crawling and he's been curious about the idea of walking, it seems.

Gods I wish Vicailde weren't against the idea of getting himself... what's the word? Fixed? No, that's dogs. Either way, I do hope I'm not pregnant. It would get in the way of my goals for this year, which include killing over ten thousand evil men.

Well, I suppose it wouldn't be so bad if I was. I do enjoy Damian. Of course, I can't imagine what Saphiara would feel like if she saw me pregnant... maybe it's all in my imagination. It might just be the flu, after all.

[Ninorra]

~*~ There is a picture lodged into the last page with the words "Put down the ice cream, fat-ass!" scorched in a corner. ~*~

http://img352.imageshack.us/img352/5300/galleryenlarged0801kimkbv1.jpg

[Anthek]

((Rofl.))

[Ninorra]

So. That's why Szordrin will not speak to me.

I feel more ill than usual.

[Szordrin]

(eh? >.>)

[Ninorra]

No baby. Just poisoned.

My fingers feel hot.

I awoke in Shattrath. Saphiara in pain.

A warlock woman, overloading me with ... I know her.

I know Saphi.

She came home with me. Damian crying. He feels something is wrong.

I cried again. He replaced me. That's all that it was.

Why am I still upset?

I am pathetic.

[Ninorra]

What a long day.

In the tavern earlier, feeling sleepy. It seems to be the effects of this poison or whatever it is that is making me ill. My needs are stronger than ever and if I don't get what I need, I feel exhausted. Apparently, I fell asleep in the tavern. Szordrin found me and said that he missed me. Well, if that isn't convenience, I don't know what is. He missed me, and oh how lucky! I was sleeping in the tavern, and he found me! You'd think that people who missed eachother would take a bit of time out of their day to find them.

I know I sound bitter right now, but he even insulted my Saphi. He had the audacity to say that she only cared about herself, despite the fact that she stood by my side when I while I cried for the loss of him as my friend. And she still does. And she's right that I should forget him, as it's obvious that he will never care for me as I did for him.

So why did I cry in front of him?

Because I am pathetic, and I really need to stop this from happening. He offered his energy to me, but I doubt it's for anything more than the fact that I am another patient to him. I refuse to be someone's statistic. I wish that I had the energy to tell him all of this, but I wonder if he would have even cared? I wonder if maybe he would have shrugged and left again, off to tend to his patients without casting me another thought.

Why is it that all of my latest posts have been about him?? Tha - -

Anyway, Saphiara and I spent a bit of time in Nagrand. I gave her a massage and helped her to relax, and she came home with Damian and I. Vicailde still isn't back home, yet. I miss him so very much, but Saphiara is good company. When I am near her, I am reminded of her memories. I can see my brother through her eyes, and as I try to block the more disturbing images, in some of them I can see what sort of person he was. I am sad for never having known him. What a broken family I had, that my siblings and I only shared one parent, and we hardly knew one another. What a shame that I can never see Elphorus, except in my mind.

[Ninorra]

Last night was confusing. I spoke to several different people, and each of them had an impact on what has been going on in my mind. I'd better do this now, while I have the energy to hold up my pen.

First off, I spoke to Szordrin yet again. I vented my frustrations, and he listened patiently. Patience. I suppose that was his expression. I'm learning slowly that he's changed, but, not towards the world. Just towards me. Earlier, I saw him running with Nymare, laughing as carefree as I remember him once being. With her, his expression is light as air. With me, it is stone. During our conversation, he remained stoic and unresponsive. Even when he told me that he loved me, it was as if he were reading an instruction manual. So what do I do? Nothing, I suppose. Whatever we had has obviously faded into the air that he has with Nymare. I am learning that my feelings were selfish. So what if he is happy with someone else? Why should I be upset about it? I loved him deeply, and if being near her is what brings joy to his life, then I have no right to be jealous. I'm going to let this go, now. Or at least try to. I make no presumptions about my immaturity. I'm young and silly and I wear my heart on my sleeve. As much as I will always love him, I have to get over the fact that he's changed. So I think that instead of lamenting over the past, and how much I miss it, I should keep them close to my heart. There were times when I felt the world was perfect, and he was a part of those times. I'm not going to paint them with regret any longer. I'm thankful that he was there while I was pregnant, and Vicailde was away.

One of these memories, which is so precious to me, is the night I couldn't sleep. I was emotional and lonely, and in the Sanctuary guildhall he smiled at me and asked what he could do. I asked if he might play for me. So, he took out his violin, and he played. I'll never forget that song. I felt his soul in those notes. His soul in his music.

The other person that I met yesterday was Kethryvaris. I have her memories in my mind, and she has many of mine. Luckilly, our link was brief enough that neither of us were overwhelmed with eachother's memories, but I caught fleeting glimpses of her pain. The ordeal of a Forsaken is not something to underestimate. I've faced little tradgedy in my life, which is why the small slights I've suffered are amplefied beyond reason. When I felt Kethryvaris's pain, I truly knew loss and sorrow. It was similar to how I felt when Saphiara and I shared thoughts, but, at least with Saphi I also felt love and Light. Kethryvaris came to me and explained her past. I listened. I think that it would be easy to be her friend, regardless of the darkness that I saw within her. Could I possibly help her to see the light that her un-life might offer? Possibly, but I doubt it. In any case, I will be here should she choose to speak with me again. Hers is a buried kindness I think. Buried beneath the things she's had to face.

I ran into Annelia and another young woman who's name escapes me. Annelia is still her old self. The other young woman was rather smart and I enjoyed her company. I shall have to make it a point to run into her, once more.

Then there was the Baron. I'm not sure, maybe I'm imagining things, but I think that at some point last night I called him Skafloc. If so, I must apologize for my rudeness. It isn't as if I feel he is better due to status. It isn't as if I want to feel beneath him. It is simply an out of character statement that I made. I asked him if he might ask Evanthe to be a bit less brisque towards Saphiara, but I think that he's either afraid of her or too smitten to give his wife a word against her. I understand Evanthe's predicament, and I would help if she asked. I'm certain that if I lost the ability to speak again, I would be quite the shrew. The difference lies in the Baron's attitude, and Vicailde's. I know that if I ever acted like Evanthe, I'd recieve a good hard slap accross the face. Possibly more. I expect this from Vicailde, because he understands me, and I understand him. He is older, and will not tolerate things that can be changed. I am young and impulsive.

Skafloc mentioned that our time together is clouded by our obvious destiny; that since he is older, he will perish before I will, and I will someday have to face that time alone.

He does not understand. Vicailde has a new body, and I am not completely Sin'dorei. I believe that I will die before him, but it is so painful to imagine what he will go through that I do not think on it often.

Finally, he and I were together again last night. Having not seen him in several days, and due to this virus or plague or poison or whatever it is... I was very weak. He came to me, telling me to drain him of everything I needed, so I did. What I discovered was remarkable. He "tasted" more pure. The Light in his life was so bright that it nearly overwhelmed my senses. As I fed from him, he fed from me. He drank blood from my mouth and did not hesitate, so drunk were we with the transfusion. I felt weak in body, but enriched with power. It felt as if I'd drained the life from one thousand paladins.

Now, it is beginning to wane again. My limbs feel heavy, and the light is leaving my eyes. I fear that if I do not discover a cure for this pain that is eating at me, my life might be cut even shorter. Malethia claimed it to be poison, but I wonder, what could poison me that can't be cleansed? Saphiara suggested some kind of mechanical poison. I do not know. Something must be done about this, before it is too late for me.

[Ninorra]

The most surprisingly romantic conversations happen when Vicailde and I are in bed. I still can't believe he let me do that. It was intense, but I was so afraid of hurting him. I can just imagine having to explain it to the doctor if I'd lost it.

I felt energetic, this morning. His mana replenished me, and it was magnificent. Unfortunately, it didn't seem to last. I'm exhausted again, and it seems to be happening quicker than before. Not only that, but I look like I'm gaining weight again! I don't know why, but I've been so hungry lately. So much hungrier than usual. Perhaps it's the illness making me ravenous. I need to find myself a better doctor.

[Ninorra]

I am afraid. I am not ashamed of admitting my fear. The fact that I can not get close to a Light wielding healer for fear of harming them is doing much to keep me from getting aid. Malethia was afraid that I might harm her, and I admit, I probably would have. What does that say for the countless other paladins that I am often in contact with? Like my sister? She seems hell-bent on remaining by my side, and I do not want to throw that in her face, but, I hate the thought of hurting her, even if it is by accident...

I continue to get weak throughout he day, and my only option for energy at this point seems to be draining what is in my captured soulstones. So it's come to this, has it? Draining the souls of others for my own survival. I really am a parasite, no less than the one within me.

[Ninorra]

She wants to give herself to me, but I can not let her. I can not allow her. I would rather draw my power from the souls of strangers than my beloved sister. They died for a reason. Let them feed my hunger, not her. Let their souls be snuffed. Let them see me at my weakest point, and my darkest hour. Not her.

[Ninorra]

The pain is increasing daily. Vicailde has insited that I meet with him three times a day to feed, and I attempt to hide the pain, but today I just can't. It is hard to focus, even on this piece of paper. My eyelids twitch. I do not want anyone to see me like this.

[Ninorra]

Qabian talks like a madman, sometimes. It's almost as if he can't see logic and prefers to twist reality into something that suits him. And he calls me insane? Well, whatever makes him happy, I suppose. He seems to dislike Szordrin a lot, which makes me wonder just how much he cares about Nymare. Even if he doesn't admit it, it looks like the man is smitten.

None of my affair, of course. He was good reassuring company. It seems like everyone tells me the same thing; forget about Szordrin, he's an idiot and he has nothing to offer but more hurt. I would be stupid to approach him, at this point. He says that he wants to be friends and to make me happy, but the emotion is gone from his eyes. My friend seems dead, and looking at his walking corpse is hurtful.

Then again, if I abandon him, what sort of a friend would I be? Maybe he needs my help to find himself again?

Then again, that is wishful thinking. He's very happy with Nymare. Me interfering at this point would bring me nothing but a reputation as a meddling immature jealous fool. Like I need that, piled on top of everything else.

I'm in too much pain to worry about this, right now. What I need is a nice cup of tea and a long nap.

[Ninorra]

Thank all that is holy for Moknim. As a druid, he was able to answer the questions that I needed. I had to know where the parasite was located, to be sure that it would be safe to have someone remove it. He told me that it was close to my womb, and that removing it might make me sterile. I suppose that is not so bad a fate as death.

I doubt that Vicailde will not be hurt. After all of the sacrifices that he made in order to have children, now it's my fault if we can not have more. My fault, because I did not consult him before going to the Dark Below. My fault for keeping him from fathering more children. How do I tell him?

[Ninorra]

I could not let her see my face. My face. How vain am I? I could not let her see my face. I have to find someone to help me. He will not forgive me if I do not. I do not know if he will forgive me as it is. I can not think on that, right now. All I can do is search, and hope.

[Ninorra]

What an awful night.

I spoke to Szordrin yet again. As much as he says he cares, it seemed offhanded. Maybe I'm taking things too personally. Why should I expect him to treat me any differently? Because he might have once been in love with me? To hell with that, I say. What I need right now is a miracle. It's surprising how few doctors exist, who don't use the Light. I am truly trapped with this problem, until I can find someone who I am sure will not make the problem worse.

Who? Who could that possibly be?

A villain. Imagine. My dear friend, who said that my voice inspired him, now rumored to be a villain. The men that he leads are ordered to attack civilians and commit mass genocide. The man I know would never have allowed this to happen. What changed Szordrin so that he has allowed himself to become everything that he once fought against? He was once revolted by my Felguard. Now allows the murder of townsfolk.

And I am being eaten alive.

The world has turned upside down.

[Ninorra]

"How much do you love your husband?"

Baron Ran'deau asked me that, last night. He asked me if I would leave if it meant Vicailde's happiness. Of course I would, but, I know that he can't live without me. That isn't selfish thinking, either. It's the gods' honest truth. Now I wonder what he was getting at, and why he kissed me when I gave him the obvious answer. What is he planning? I married him and Evanthe. I don't like seeing my work done just to have it be meaningless. Marriage is not a temporary thing like our kind seems to think. It's supposed to be permenant. That is why people GET married. Why don't they understand that?

Sometimes, terrible things happen. You have to work through them, because that is what marriage is. You have to be there for one another, in bad times and in good. Otherwise, what is marriage, really? An excuse to gather friends and exchange meaningless vows? I will be very disappointed in the both of them if they can not find a way to reconcile.

Szordrin a villain, they tell me. Skafloc is what.. the fifth person who's told me that Nymare is toying with him. I'm no longer jealous of the way he smiles at her. Now I am disappointed. He was never a fool, when I knew him. He was a bright, ambitious, heroic boy. Now I discover that he is planning attacks on innocent civillians, and that Skafloc is using his promotion to put an end to it. Well, good for Skafloc, but I fear that this puts the nail in my friend's coffin. He has allowed that woman to kill all that I once loved about him. Szordrin was once sweet, brave, and dedicated to justice. It is that Szordrin who will always have a place in my heart.

The one who has taken his place sickens me. Is it magic? Perhaps, but, it could just be love for someone who made him change. I do not blame her, as it probably was not her intention to change him. These things happen. I only wish that I could have stopped it from happening. I wish that I could have been enough for him. I wish that he could have stuck to his convictions, been brave in the face of evil, been strong and valorious. Every bit the knight that he once aspired to be.

My friend lies dead, in the eyes of a man who kills. He uses the face of someone I would have died for to kill, and not even those who are supposed to fight with him believe that he does so justly. He has fallen so low that I wonder, what would he have said to himself, if his old self, the one I loved, saw what he was to become? He would have denied that it could happen. He would have called such a man a traitor, a dark and murderous fool. He would have assured me that Szordrin Jolnin was no fool, and that he would aspire to help people as a strong knight.

I'd like to believe he would have.

[Ninorra]

Well, that didn't go as well as expected. I only hope that I didn't make things worse. I can understand miss Evanthe's frustrations, but marriage is full of frustration. You have to work through it. If you can't, what is the point of being married?

I hope that I helped. I really do. Miss Evanthe and the Baron are two people I want to see their relationship survive. Thrive, even. They're not weak individuals. They can work through this. I know they can, if only they try.

[Ninorra]

I've been spending time with my husband and Damian, as I feel the days become short and shorter. The seasons are changing again. There is a voodoo witch doctor that may be able to help me. I just need to be able to trust him. It's not every day I let someone cut me open.

I know that Saphiara is going through some stressful times as well. She, the Baron, and Evanthe are all trapped in the monotonous circle of idiocy and love. The three of them need to.. what's that term.. "man-the-fuck-up". If Evanthe wants to leave him, she needs to tell him and do it. It's disappointing, but at least it's honest. And Skafloc needs to be a man and put his foot down. Letting his wife cuckold him (if that is indeed what has happened here) is just plain insulting. And Saphiara needs to get her mind off of the Baron, because he's all wrong for her and it's more than obvious that he's too in love with his wife (As he SHOULD be, damn it) to see any other woman in that way.

Honesty is what is needed, here. Honesty and bravery. For gods's sake.. and I'm the sick one, here.

[Ninorra]

I am starting to feel out of touch with myself.

The Baron spoke with me, today. I told him how I felt. I was.. cruel, to say the least. I spoke irrationally. I told him that he needed to be a man. What sort of creature am I becoming? Every time I feel the pain lesson in me, I realize that time has passed. It is almost as if the parasite is taking over my consciousness, but not in such a way that I do not remember. I can't explain it. Perhaps it is an influence? I don't know.. but I hate it. I have to find someone or something to help my mind stop wandering in this way.

[Ninorra]

Hailos.. what a beautiful name.

[Ninorra]

Well, yesterday was rather eventful.

I offered my services to a woman named Pearlle, after she put out an ad for someone to officiate her wedding ceremony. She invited me to her engagement party, where I met a few new people, as well as Malethia and Sepia. Pearlle is the leader of a guild that, as Malethia told me, had views similar to the Grim.

After the party, I spoke to her and her fiance, Kadesh. He seemed a cheery sort. I discussed how my marriages were more than just words, and how they required commitment, and would actually bind their souls for all eternity. She didn't seem very excited about the idea. She also seemed rather distracted by Sanctuary and our ways. I explained to her our philosophy, and how we refused to kill innocent people, farmers and children and such, who were regularly injured during city raids. She told me that while attacking cities, she only killed soldiers and recruits. I asked her, what of her other men? Kadesh said that he'd killed farmers in the past. Pearlle seemed offended and asked that I leave.

I very much doubt she'll want me to perform the marriage ceremony. She also informed me that part of her wedding was an effort to make herself look more loyal to the Horde, and that my involvement with Sanctuary might make her frowned upon.

It very much seems like a sham wedding to me. I'm glad I won't be involved. I refuse to wed people who aren't going to treat marriage as it should be treated; a commitment of love and unity by two people. Using a marriage to gain status is simply.. disgusting.

Speaking of disgust, I drank last night. I am ashamed of the way I acted, but after seeing Skafloc once again in the throws of despair, I decided that I just couldn't take it anymore. I drank something, and a moment later found myself singing the most awful drinking song I could think of. It seemed to cheer Skafloc a bit, but I would up breaking one of my strings. I don't remember much after that, but I did wake up in my own bed. I suppose I made my way home, somehow.

Thank gods Vicailde wasn't home to notice my breath.

[Ninorra]

I can be such a bitch, sometimes.

It's not that I'm angry at Vicailde. How can I be angry with him? The love of his life died young and pregnant with his child. They were happy and together and all was right in the world until her untimely murder. Of course he would miss her. Of course he doesn't want to forget her. I imagine myself in his place, sometimes. What if he died? What would I do? I would likely lose myself. I have no idea what I would do, really. Would I do what he did? Build him a shrine to remember him by? Wear my finest to visit his grave every year? Drown my sorrows in alcohol until someday, someone else comes along?

That's what bothers me, so much. I'm the new girl who came along. We've been together for nearly two years now, but even so, two years in comparison to over four hundred of sorrow and pining for someone else. Can I really compare? Or am I just a replacement? I can't tell him how I feel, or of course I'd look like a jealous bitch. And I really truly am, at this point. What have I to be jealous of? A dead woman? Just because she was there before I was?

I hate her face. The moment I saw that statue I almost wished that she were alive so that I could murder her again.

[Cabriel]

((Gods, I love Ninorra))

[Ninorra]

More and more I find myself becoming curious about Vicailde's family. In our house, there are portraits hidden of his relatives. I've found portraits of his father, his grandfather, and their fathers. The portrait that I found of his father was either hidden by Vicailde himself, or he didn't even know about it. I discovered it while looking for something to wipe up a spill, in one of the downstairs closets. Vicailde's father, Damian Bloodstone III, looks a lot like his son. In the portrait, he looks to be around five hundred, roughly the same age that Vicailde was when I met him.

The strange thing about looking at that painting was, it reminded me that my husband is not a young man. He might look like one, but sometimes I forget that he is every bit as mature as the man in that painting. As young and inexperienced as I am, I wonder if I have ever annoyed him?

Never the less, it brought up something I am uncomfortable with asking Vic himself. I want to know more about his father. How he died, specifically. I am sure that it will be a simple answer.. old age, perhaps. Illness. However, I can't help but think that maybe there is something else there. Maybe there is something missing to the story that I hate hearing. I want to know about this family that I've married into, that I've brought my child into. Considering what Vic showed me already, I know that this house has more secrets than I've been privy to. I'd like to learn more, but I don't want to seem like the annoying child hanging on to my husband's arm. That is why I've asked the baron if maybe I could speak to his majordomo, Chauncey. I wonder if he heard anything about the Bloodstone family?

[Ninorra]

I love teasing Saphiara, and she seems to enjoy teasing me right back. Yesterday, she compared my breasts to watermelons. I've learned not to take her jabs at my appearance as insults. At least she's not making fun of my behind, anymore.

I'm slowly learning to start enjoying the battlegrounds again.

[Ninorra]

I do not kill innocent people. I do my best not to bring harm to children. I have no ill will against someone who has not done harm to others. People who live quiet lives, tending to their families needs, need not worry about what I might do to them.

The others, however...

There is no extent to the ammount of suffering I will bring someone who hurts those who I love. When I hear about someone doing harm to a guildmate, or a friend, I imagine all of the wonderful ways I would be able to make them pay. At the moment, there are no such thoughts. Nobody has wronged my friends or loved ones, that I know of. The Baron is finding peace, Saphiara is learning to live for herself, Vicailde is beingas loving and endearing as always, and beyond them, my guildmates seem to be growing in both numbers and familiarity with one another. They are kind to one another, which is a breath of fresh air, considering how it once was.. there is no more fighting between comrads, there is no more arguing, there is no more pointing of fingers.

It does help that these new faces seem so very... dedicated, to the cause. Peace between nations.

I will fight for this "peace", but I am a creature of vengeance. This will never change.

[Ninorra]

I recieved Skafloc's lyrics for the song he wants me to perform for this friend of his. "Friend". I think he has a crush on her. He says that she's taken, so I hope he's not the type of man to try anything with her. I don't think he his, but I've been wrong about people before..

[Ninorra]

My recovery is going well, if that really means anything. I've come to terms with the fact that while there are many who love me, my life is not worth the death that it caused. That troll was only there to help me, and he was killed because of my own stupidity. My own sense of childish adventure caused me to discover things I shouldn't have discovered. That demon was the result of me. Me me me. And he died for it. DIED. He is DEAD and I am the cause. Gods I have never felt so stupid in my entire life.

I've been asked recently to supply my aid for exploration of Northrend. Due to the overwhelming amounts of evidence coming from that place. More Scourge and battle and bloodshed. Bloodshed? Who in the hell cares. Ever since I awoke from my surgery I've been so angry. So angry about everything. About myself and my family and my power, as insignificant as it may be in the long run. I've never craved power before, but now I think perhaps I should. If only to allow myself the ability to kill more. To destroy more of this chaos that constantly plagues our world.

I want it gone. I want it all gone. If I could only burn it all to the ground, I would. I would send them all to hell and have them tormented for all eternity. Show them the pain that they have brought the world. Show them immeasurable pain. If there is one thing I can bring to this war, it will be pain.

I have so many books, regarding pain...

[Ninorra]

I had a lovely night with Saphiara last night, but her dependence on that sword frightens me. I suggested that she research the actual paladins, to perhaps find a new direction for herself. I think that it would help if she had a little faith. I know it helped Vic.

Speaking of Vic, I hope he's alright. I haven't heard from him in a long time. I know that he and his men often go off and don't return for days, but, he usually contacts me. This time, I've heard no word. There have been others lost to the frozen North. Is my husband one of them?

I pray to the mercy of whatever gods exist that this is not the case. For the good of our son, and for myself, please let him be alive. Please bring him home to me.

[Ninorra]

Dearest love,

I count the days that we are apart. Often I can not sleep, and remain awake to watch Damian, wondering if he will ever see his father again. I would give anything to know that you are somewhere safe. I would go to you in an instant if only I knew where. Our connection has been broken for longer than it has ever been, and I have never been so afraid for you, for us, for our family. Please do not leave me. Please find the strength to fight whatever it is that keeps us apart. I know that there is nothing in this world that would keep you from me.

The only thing that might separate us is death. If you are dead, then I swear, I will avenge you. If you are dead, then so too is the mercy I might have once shown. If you are dead then I do not know what will become of me. If you are dead... ((the pen trails off.))

I wish that I had a place to send this. I wish that the troupe you led had left some sort of trace. I wish that you could read this, and know my love.

I wish for so many things. Above all, I wish for your return.

Yours,
Ninorra

[Ninorra]

Tomorow, I go to Northrend with Saphiara, in the hopes that I will find what has happened to Vicailde. I pray that I discover him alive and well. I pray that he and I will be reunited, that he will return home with me, and that I will never have to worry like this again. I have never felt the need to pray so very much.

[Ninorra]

My first day in Northrend has proved fruitless. Nobody has seen hide nor hair of my husband, and the bitter cold is stifling. The only productive thing that has come of this trip is the fact that my power seems to be increasing again. That will be useful, if I do not find my husband.

My wrath will rain down from the heavens, and the wicked will feel my pain.

[Ninorra]

Second day. Still nothing. I find it hard to write, as the cold keeps my fingers brittle and stiff. Even my ink freezes from time to time. I wonder if Vicailde is this cold. Is he thinking of me? Can he? I hope that he is warm, wherever he is, and that his thoughts are good.

[Ninorra]

No word, no sign. I come home every night so that I might check the mail, and to see my Damian. I can already tell that he will look like Vicailde, when he grows older. Every time I see his white hair, I remember running my fingers through Vic's. Damian's is so much softer, without the coarseness of age and battle. His eyes are red, like mine, but beyond their ethereal glow, they hold the inquisitiveness of his father. Perhaps not the same sort of love, but they watch me with delight in that same way.

You fathered such a beautiful child. He is the only physical reminder I have of you, love. The mirrors do not work, and I can not hear your voice. Even the images I conjure from my memories bring me nothing but torment. I can not touch you, or speak to you. What I wouldn't give for a moment together again. Please don't be gone from me. Please don't leave me this way. You promised that nothing would keep us apart, and yet the longer I stay here in Northrend, the more I fear that it has taken you from me. Or some other unknown source.

Some unknown source. If I find it.. gods, if I find it.. heaven help me.

[Ninorra]

I have not had time to write, because I have been so busy with recent events.

Vicailde is home.

I had left Damian with my mother, while Saphiara and I searched. Sometimes together, sometimes apart. As I was gone, he came back. Bloodied and broken, his back apparently covered with arrows, his stomach flayed open. My mother helped him as best she could. She stitched his wounds and bandaged him. These were no ordinary injuries. There were ritualistic cuts over his face and body. Some of them were random, but some were carved into designs. He hadn't the strength to heal them all, and so now he must live with the scars.

He is sad for what was done. Sad that his body is different. He did not seem to understand that his coming home meant more to me than anything in the world. How can I describe seeing him again? I can not. It was more than I could have hoped for.

He slept fitfully for two nights, as I cared for him. Then.. a surprising turn of events. Lady Liadrin and her posse of Blood Knights. She demanded to see him, and gave the both of us strict orders not to divulge information on where he had been. Even Saphiara didn't know.

Damn her and her orders. I am no Blood Knight. I will tell my sister the truth, because I trust her, and I know that she would do the same. In the meantime, I will care for his every need and whim. I am happy again. I will see him happy, too.

[Ninorra]

Gods, but my feet are killing me...

Last night, Sanctuary embarked on one of many "Long Walks" for it's members. This allowed me a bit of time to get to know our other members a little better. I sang a few songs to pass the time, and we were actually joined by several Alliance. One of them, a Night Elf, walked for the entire duration! Imagine that. Once we were finished, I was eager to return home to be with Vic and Damian. Vic is nearly fully recovered, due to some trolls blood and mana potions that helped him to heal himself. He has a few weeks before he will be available for duty once more, but I do hope that he doesn't go anytime soon.

He asked me for a strange favor, last night. Well, not so much strange as surprising, after what he told me. Apparently, he killed his father. I do not judge him, of course. I attempted to kill my own mother... but he actually did it. Thinking back on it, he wants to make amends. He wants me to see if his father's soul has gone to the Dark Below. Specifically, the part of the Dark Below that I will inherit, which is where many souls who believe in a punishing afterlife are sent to. So long as his father had that sort of belief, and believed to be deserving of such a fate, he very well might be there. I might be able to reunite the two.

As for his question, on whether or not a soul can be redeemed.. that, I do not know. I have control over that domain, but I do not know if I can send a soul elsewhere. I wonder if that sort of redemption is beyond anyone's control? I daresay, it would make eternal punishment seem less powerful if a soul could change his fate in the afterlife. I will have hope, though. Perhaps I can fulfil his wish to reunite his mother with his father. Perhaps a son's love is enough.

[Ninorra]

I have a strange way of not updating this damned book until something extremely important comes up. Instead of writing out all of my emotions, I think I shall write a list of what happened in chronological order.

- visited the Dark Below with Vicailde
- met his father
- was informed of Vicailde's son having survived his mother's death
- was assigned the training of Vicailde's grandson, Talion
- was informed that I am the reincarnation of Vicailde's first wife ((There are various singe marks on the page near this particular line.))
- returned home
- informed Vicailde of his grandson
- met with Talion
- invited him to live with Vicailde and I
- had dinner
- accidentally set Vicailde drunk by buying alcoholic cider
- fell down the stairs trying to help him up them (I fell because Vicailde was so drunk, he asked if we were going to have sex, and said he thought I might ask Talion to watch. Good gods.)
- put him to bed
- took a long bath

And now I am writing this, in the bath. I am still in awe of what was said to me, today. No more alcohol for him, ever.

[Broxigan]

- fell down the stairs trying to help him up them

[[HE BEAT YOU IN A DRUNKEN FIT OF RAGE AND HORMONES! :O]]

[Ninorra]

((No.. I.. fell. Really. >_>))

[Cabriel]

((Right onto his fist))

[Ninorra]

I expect to begin training Talion tomorrow. He seems very bright and eager to learn, but his hand is somewhat weak when dealing with his demons. He seems to think that he can befriend them. His imp does not behave as it should, which is normal, but with such an irritating little tool one is required to use a firm hand or suffer the consequences. I intend on teaching him how to properly discipline his minions, but learning to stand up for himself may be more difficult than just showing an imp who's boss.

I realize now, why his name caught my attention. Talion reminds me of Tallius, my brother. I miss him so dearly. I remember the times we spent talking to eachother, in that lab he created. Using his keys to visit him. Giving him that "doll" to keep him company. Whatever happened to Galitea, I do not know. Perhaps Melchisidech disposed of her. I was glad to be rid of her, in any case. She brought me too many memories, both fond and foul. I hold Tallius' soul in the stone pendant that hangs from my throat, and I remember what a kindly man he was.

[Ninorra]

My sister seems intent on facing the man who wronged her. She seeks answers and revenge, and I can not help but worry about her. She carries her heart so pridefully but it is still broken. I only wish that there was something that I could do for Saphiara.

Several days ago, Evanthe seemed to take advantage of the situation. What reason she has for constantly insulting my sister, I do not know. I do wish she would not ignore me, though. It seems as if I am ignored by everyone these days, but I suppose it is my own fault for not seeking them out. I want to speak to so many people, to see how they are, to possibly trust in them again.. Szordrin, the Baron, Tirdisar, Sifar, and Tirralys to name a few. I wonder if they will even want to speak to me? I have been overly emotional in the past, but I do not want to abandon my friendships. Not over silly things like jealousy or anger.

Thinking of losing my sister to her vengeance has reminded me of how precious true friendships are, and how they must be cared for, and not forgotten. I was a silly friend to so many of these people, and took slights too personally. I suppose I wished to think of myself as more special that I really was, but if I am special to my sister and my husband, then that is enough for me. I have their love, if no one else's, and I doubt anyone's could be stronger or more sweet.

[Ninorra]

Why does this song remind me of last night? I want to help him, but it isn't likely that he wants me to. What do I do? Allow him to his own devices? Or do what I feel in my heart is right? My heart is too soft for the work that I do.

((Don't Say a Word (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h2SGIzjgXzI) - Sonata Arctica))


I am your poison candygram,
The love that's meant to fade away
Vade retro, alter ego, move aside, I'm choking on this life
I think I tolerate your hate, as long as you're afraid
All I wanted was to be with you and suffer every day

Under the moon I hold a wake for a promise torn
Mortally wounded, feelings sheltered me
Once again my shadow will enter your life
Time to walk with me the last mile...

I read a book about a man, a love, a woman, how they died
How I was waved aside, listen how the headless doves cry
I truly see a madman in the mirror when I'm weak
I spent a year in love before I realized it's me

Open your blue eyes, tell me that you love me, whore
Make me believe it, oh I know you're lying
Broke the vow I thought you made, my angel, why...
Could I let you wait out the night

Mother always said “My son, do the noble thing..."
You have to finish what you started, no matter what,
Now, sit, watch and learn...
"It's not how long you live, but what your morals say"
Cannot keep your part of the deal
So don't say a word... don't say a word

It won't be long now, love, like mist I slowly fill the room
I place a black candle on your chest,
The path of night is manifest
I never wanted us to end up in this catatonic phase
It was not me who ran away, you made me stray...

Open your blue eyes, tell me that you love me, whore
Make me believe it, oh I know you lie
Broke the vow I thought you made, my angel, why...
Settling the score, we pass the twilight...

Mother always said “My son, do the noble thing..."
You have to finish what you started, no matter what
Now, sit, watch and learn...
"It's not how long you live, but what your morals say"
Cannot keep your part of the deal
So don't say a word... don't say a word

Strawberry blonde, your stranglehold
on my heart is bound to end
I suppose, life sometimes,
It doesn't go the way it was meant
Though you never were a believer,
I assure you: I won't die before you
You read the book now,
The part “Ashes to ashes, dust to dust”

Short is the flight of this little starling
Love sounds familiar, but the emotion escapes me
I will carpe the diem while it's still here,
And see how the fear of death becomes her

We had it all so sweet
Made for me, you, indeed...
Big secret, small the lie
Don't cry for me, oh, argentite

No word you say tonight
Can make this be alright
I'll help you follow through
Remember this?: pacta sunt servanda

... The wounds are too deep,
I need to keep the scars
to prove there was a time
When I loved something more than life

Unlike the last time here,
I now have the means and a will sincere
Your knight is nowhere near
Unfortunate for you, this makes me your God...

Closing your eyes, don't ever say you love me, whore
You never meant a word, I know you lied
When there is life, there is despair, indulge me now
And stay alive this night...
I promise you the end before the first light arrives

Mother always said “My son, do the noble thing..."
You have to finish what you started, no matter what
Now, sit, watch and learn...
"It's not how long you live, but what your morals say"
Cannot keep your part of the deal
So don't say a word... don't say a word

Mother always said “My son, do the noble thing..."
You have to finish what you started, no matter what
Now, sit, watch and learn...
"It's not how long you live, but what your morals say"
Cannot keep your part of the deal
So don't say a word... don't say a word

[Ninorra]

What a fool I was to busy myself with someone who might not even want my help, when my own sister was so close to death, and right beside me. I feel so stupid for letting this happen again. Am I a glutton for punishment? My poor sister. I loved her so dearly, and now will never see her again. Is this my punishment for being so distracted? Gods, how foolish I am..

[Ninorra]

Was it all a dream? Is my sister alive? Gods forgive me if I am responsible for tearing her from her family, but given what I learned, I could not do anything else. I dreamed about her, in all of her forms. I dreamed about making the decision that would either allow her to ascend, or walk with me once again. I admit that I was selfish, but she had such self loathing that I wonder if she truly would have ascended.

How strange that only this morning, Vicailde offered to name our next child after her. I remember that when I started this journal, I was anxious to have his child. I find myself in the same position. I wonder if I can concieve again? I am as worried as I was before, to find out. In either case, I hope that Saphiara is well, and that she will be happy if she really is alive. I will do my best to see to it that she seeks the forgiveness that she deserves.

[Ninorra]

Yes, she is alive. I found her naked in the woods outside of our house, but I was too relieved to joke about it. Relieved and guilt ridden. It is my fault that she lives, when she was so intent on dying. She looks so sad now, wondering what to do next. I said that she should live so that she could do good, but I know that I was being selfish with my sister. I loved her dearly and wanted her back. I am sorry for this decision, but, I am relieved to see her again.

Everything is back to normal!

[Ninorra]

I am plagued once again by nightmares. They are nothing new, really. Except, tonight I could have sworn that I recognized one of the ascending souls. I could not see his face, but I knew in my heart it was one that I cared deeply for. Vicailde, I assume. Or a dear friend. I can only imagine that when I die, I will have to witness the deaths of others, while watching them ascend without me. I can never go where they are going, or see what they are blessed enough to see. Not of they are good, and righteous.

I must enjoy this time, here and now. Enjoy this life. But I find it hard to do so, when I see all of these nightmares.

I spoke to Mohan, last night. I understand his pain and his need for revenge. I only wish that he could fight with us, because I know that in his heart he is good. Nobody could feel pain the way he does without good in him. Later, I saw Malethia. She gave me a gift of flowers, which have become a welcome addition to our garden at home. It was a very friendly night, as I met Libelle's fiance. He seems like a very.. energetic sort. I like him. I hope that they remain together forever.

[Ninorra]

While all of those nightmares don't seem to have ebbed, I simply can't resist the urge to continue researching the licid dreaming that I continually encounter. It feels powerful, to have the ability to distort one's dreams into anything. The only problem is that this does not allow me to destroy the most disturbing parts of my nightmares. I recal one of them. I was in the Dark Below, and a condemned soul told me, "He is coming."

I knew who they referred to. I still haven't spoken to Vicailde about communicating with his father, because to be honest, I think that his father is the most disgusting and horrible son of a bitch that it has ever been my displeasure to meet. I do not like him at all, and the very idea that he gave me my life as a favor irritates me to no end. He will not speak to Vic, despite my constant berating. He will do nothing that I ask of him, save information on how to gain more control over these growing skills of mine. He is infuriating and I can not stand the man. There is something about him, however, that doesn't simply anger me. It terrifies me. Perhaps I am fearful of his extreme resemblance to Vicailde. The idea of him turning into his father is in no way appealing.