Nasty Scrawl

[Nomeni]

Before truly beginning with an accounting of recent events I'd like to first state what it is exactly that I'm trying to accomplish with this journal. I have done some horrible things. Terrible things that I will probably never be able to atone for. The punishment for my medling in the emerald dream is a harsh one, but it is one that I have no choice but to accept. My rage will probably never subside, and there will probably never be a cure for it. Regardless of my lack of self control, I have to accept the deeds that I have done while under its spell, and to take responsibilty for the things that my body has done. If anyone else ever reads this, hopefully they will come to something of a better understanding. It is not out of hate that I harvest, but out of necessity. It is the only thing that staves off the rage...

In anycase I suppose I shall begin with an accounting of my most recent duty, failed though it may be. Reithan charged me with the care of a half-orc some months back, at the time his most prized specimen. The shaman, I believe he was, was able to commune somewhat with the Emerald Dream. I was not allowed to interact with him other than to bring him food and water, and to heal him after his 'sessions' with the shadow priest. He spoke to me when I was with him, though I never conversed with him. He was an interesting fellow, though his story telling abilities were not near the best.

He had grown in an internment camp, a castaway of rape after the second war. He was outcast, even by the orcs, and found home with a shaman of the Tauren. He had ventured out into the world after his surrogate father's demise, and joined a guild...I believe the name was Sanctuary? Regardless, he was found by one of Reithan's servants, one called Sylthis Draedmir. A rather nasty forsaken assassin, who I am quite content to hear was destroyed within Ashenvale. Sylthis learned of the young half-orc's ability to commune with the Emerald Dream, dispite his non-druidic training. Reithan was intrigued, of course, and had the boy abducted.

Attempts to gain information from the half-orc went on until Reithan, Earth Mother curse him, disappeared into the Outlands. I continued to care for the young shaman for some time, and eventually began to speak with him. We spoke of the Dream, and my experiences with it. I can only assume that it was through this that he was able to excape his prison, for his body was gone only a few days later. The door was locked, and there was no sign of entry or exit. I was puzzled for some time as to how he could have escaped, and eventually began to delve into the Dream to find him myself...

This, of course, met with no success. I, to this day have been unable to locate him through either through information garnered from Dreamers, or by searching myself. It has been a frustrating experience, made only worse by the fact that Reithan returned recently. I was punished for the half-orc's escape of course, and spent nearly a week in isolation while the rage tore at my mind. In any casee, he left some things in his cell and until recently I was unsure of what to do with them. A purple tabard bearing a golden hammer was left, as well as all of the shaman's totems. The only thing I can think to do with them is to give them to his former guildmaster...though I cannot for the life of me remember her name...

I hope for his sake that he is still alive in the Dream. If I find him again, hopefully I will be able to free him. Hopefully, I'll be able to return him to home, away from the nightmares within the Dream, and the cursed shadow priest here...

Nomeni closed the small journal with a sigh, and rubbed his eyes. It was late, and Reithan would have work for him early in the morning. Without a sound, he stood and drew a larger book from his shelf, The Book of Locusts. As he placed his journal within the hollow inside the book, he kept a wary eye on the door.

[Nomeni]

Things have changed greatly in the past month. Perhaps even more so than what changed me in the Dream. I am free, at least partially, from the clutches of the Nightmare. I no longer serve the Crimson Lord in any respect. I am not a peace keeper, and I am not a protector. For now, I must be content merely to be myself. It is my duty, for if I cannot truly find myself soon I will surely not survive long. I have no idea how long this journey will take, or the paths that it will force me to follow. For now at least, it will be dangerous. The sooner I strengthen myself, the sooner it will pass.

The danger comes from my past, of course. Somehow before he died, Reithan was able to return the assassin Sylthis from his second grave, and regain hold of the tracker Syphram. The rest of his motley assortment of death dealers is deceased of course, few can survive the tests he put them through. I believe it is these two that currently are seeking me, though I cannot be certain yet. I am unsure as to why they are seeking me, but that is truly of no importance. Be it for revenge, or for their own sadistic reasons, or even some other more powerful member of the Watch commanding them, I do not care. They will not survive long if they continue to track me.

Reithan, of course, is dead. He mistrusted me when he taught me enough to control my rage and suffered what I hope is a final, permanent death. It was done quickly, though I know he did not deserve such a death. His crimes against the Earth Mother were great, so I can only hope he suffers for it in the next life. After the deed was done, I used what training I received from the Plagueshifters of Silvermoon and cleansed his corpse of the plague as best I could. Hopefully this will keep him in his grave, but it seems as though he has come back from worse before. So long as I am stronger than the shadow priest when he returns though, i doubt I will be overly troubled.

Once I reach this strength level, I hope that I might be able to return to Sanctuary's halls. As it is, they have enough on their plates without having to deal with the problems of one more druid. I will offer my aid to them as much as possible, but I do not know how easy it will be to do for some time. I can feel one of my pursuers closing in as it is, and I will need to deal with them sooner rather than later. I did not make many friends during my stay, but that is primarily due to my tendency to keep to myself. In any case, having a safe place to spend the night was worth far more than they will know. I will do what I can for them for it, whenever given the opportunity.

I will write more later. The stench the tracker is near.

[Nomeni]

I haven't told the Warboss yet. I'm not sure how to be honest. i haven't been able to approach Nojinbu or Diomades either, though I know I should probably talk to someone about it. Its frustrating, to be unsure of how to talk to someone, or a group of people. Hopefully writing will clear my head enough and give me the backbone to bring it up.

I found him. Or rather, I should say that he found me. I'm not sure how. It just sortof...happened... It was a blessing, to be sure, but things have happened, and the young Thunderhammer is not who he once was. He is of course, still himself. He has lost none of his kindness or compassion. When he found me, he was not angry. Not angry at all, in fact he even hugged me when we finally crossed paths, surprising me more than anything else he could have done. Still though, something is different. He's more distant, more...confidant. The change is strange, but hundreds of things could have happened to him in the Dream, and I know nothing of any of them. All I know is what I can see happened to him, for he doesn't seem to wish to discuss it at all.

A multitude of cross outs can be seen, Nomeni's frustration indicated by the sheer amount of ink that covers the better part of a page.

Garinth is blind. I do not know or understand why, and he didn't discuss it with me when we met. We spoke briefly of the things he had seen, and the things that had happened to him, but this didn't last long. Suffice it to say, I wanted to get him out of the Dream as soon as possible, lest more harm come his way. I brought my body into the Dream, and pulled him out into Orgrimmar. He was disoriented afterwards, as I imagine anyone would be after spending the better part of a year within the Dream. We were in the Valley of Spirit at the time, so as he rested by the pool he discussed at least some of the things that had changed.

His blindness is not so much a detriment as I originally believed. His eyes tell a different tale, as they are now entirely white. It is an eerie sight, but not one which he wishes to advertise. He covered it with a bandage as soon as we returned and I could provide one to him. He still 'sees', but I don't think he is quite used to this new sight. He said that he sees himself from outside his body, something I do not think I would be able to handle. He told me that he uses an ability taught to all shamans for scouting purposes...I believe he called it far sight... In any case he said that he managed to get it to work constantly, but that he could only focus it on himself and continue to move. Thinking about it, I do not understand how someone so young could go through the mental acrobatics to do such a thing. How he manages to keep this spell focused and centered on himself, and still move is far beyond my range or ability.

He said that it does give some benefits, for which I am grateful. He isn't usually surprised by things coming from odd directions or behind him any longer. He said that he can pick out things that he wouldn't have been able to before, and that he manages to avoid things a great deal better than he did before he lost his sight. I'm not sure if he has noticed yet, but he wears his emotions fairly plainly on his face. Its probably a side effect of the mental concentration required to maintain his new 'sight', but I fear it is something people might exploit. He IS still young. Not as young as the Warboss perhaps, but young all the same. Hopefully his new training will hammer out some of those issues.

Which his training is something that I should have mentioned before, and is the reason why I am still unsure of how to speak to Lady Vilmah or the other leaders within the guild. While we were speaking, an old orc accompanied by a great white wolf approached us. He knew both of our names, and it seemed almost as though Garinth was expecting him. I regrettably cannot remember his name, I believe the conversation that happened afterwards overshadowed it in my memory. He asked Garinth to accompany him, which the young half orc agreed to readily. We said our goodbyes, and he assured me that he would check in at the guildhall at some point. Once more though, I have no idea where he is, and I cannot even report his safety to the Warboss. I should speak with her, or at least Nojinbu or Diomades before his return, but I'm still not sure what exactly to say. Perhaps I'll write again tomorrow.

The journal is left open on his desk, quill thrown absently across its pages. The rest of the room is disheveled and left in disarray, bits of armor cleaning and repairing gear scattered about. The blanket on the bed seems to have been curled up into a ball and thrown against the wall, a comfortable bed for the slumbering Toby.

[Nomeni]

I've had time to think, finally. I've been concentrating fairly hard on preparing myself for my journey into the Outlands. I've been freaking out where Garinth was concerned, and really didn't take the time to do the necessary groundwork to figure out what happened. For this reason I'm glad that I have yet to speak to anyone else about his return. It took a bit of time and meditation, but I managed to actually get some work done. The old orc who came to Garinth was a far seer. I have yet to learn his name, but it wont be too much longer before I am able to ascertain it. Looking back, it seemed odd that Garinth was so willing, eager even, to leave. Perhaps he expected it, I do not know. I do not presume to understand the mysticism of the far seers, if indeed that is what the young half-orc is to become. Regardless, I am certain that Garinth will be alright. When he chooses to, or can return, I am certain that he will.

Next chance that I get, I will inform the Warboss.

[Nomeni]

I'm not sure where things are going anymore. Not with Sanctuary or my purpose there, but with myself. The effects of the Nightmare are clinging to me stronger than I thought. Reithan's restricting techniques are no longer keeping the effects at bay. I know not whether this is because they've grown weaker, or because the Nightmare has spread even further within me. Regardless, I am growing uncertain of myself because of it. I do not wish to, put any of my friends or guildmates. I refuse to allow myself to harm them in any way whatsoever.

These new frustrations mean that I need to find a way to deal with my problems. I haven't yet spoken with anyone about this yet... I need to, I know. I should be talking to someone, so that someone at least knows what is going on. I should, but I wont. As always, my problems are my problems. I will sort them out myself, as always. I have an idea though, for how I need to fix things. It might require a bit of time, but I'd rather deal with the time consumption and fix it.

I've just never toyed with the elements before... I can already feel the headache...

[Nomeni]

More frustrations. I tried today. I really did. I got nowhere whatsoever. I'm not sure yet whether this is supposed to be the way things move or not. I've been speaking with Feralmoon about it, but it hasn't helped as much as I thought. I keep coming back to the same issues as before. I don't know how to commune. I don't know how to make myself the conduit that I'm evidently supposed to become with this path. I cannot hear the elements, and I am no closer to understanding how to listen to them than I was when I started. Its infuriating, but there is absolutely nothing that I can do about it except try something else. Not that right now I believe it will help, but I should try nonetheless.

More than likely, I merely need to calm myself and think things through. I would, given the opportunity, but I can't see myself getting any calmer than I am currently for any period of time in the near future. The Nightmare is making me agitated, and its all I can do to keep myself under control while I'm in public. Hopefully it doesn't stick out as badly as I think it does, but that really isn't something I can concern myself with. If this shaman thing doesn't work within the next few weeks I'll need to find another way to control my urges. If I can't manage to start fixing things I'll have to be put down sooner rather than later. Ugh...

Perhaps the most frustrating thing about all of this is that I learned today that not only am I not supposed to be doing all of this on my own, I also should be mentored in order to keep myself straight. I wish I could take the path of the spirit guide. If I had any experience with the shamanistic ways, I'd find a way to take that route. More than anything, its safer for those around me. Feralmoon stated that in order to follow the proper path that I should have a mentor of some sort, which is understandable I suppose, but not in the least what I wanted to hear. Having a mentor means allowing someone in my head, I would have to. I would not ask for help from someone in this manner without fully explaining first what it is they would be getting themselves into. I don't trust myself, and I hardly expect them to be able to trust themselves with me.

I would much rather learn things on my own, the hard way if necessary. It would offer me a good deal more leeway to keep my head where others are concerned, and place only myself within danger. Feralmoon offered to mentor me if I cannot find anyone else, and to be honest I would not wish to place myself under her care. Not for lack of trust for her, but more because I am not sure she could deal with me if I lost control. Diomades perhaps could deal with the difficulties, but I am unsure of even that. I would ask Broxigan or Vilmah for help or advice, but they both seem to have enough on their minds as it is without dealing with my personal problems. Hopefully this totem business will work out tomorrow, and I will be able to take steps on my own.